You've been visited by The Kirei Of Spooks. Good rolls will come to you only if you rejoice and go to church.
Rejoice, for He himself has come with wise words.
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@kireiofspooks-blog
You've been visited by The Kirei Of Spooks. Good rolls will come to you only if you rejoice and go to church.
Rejoice, for He himself has come with wise words.
All hail Kotomine, the best Father
This pleases him.
Speaking of me being back, guess who just completed todayās challenge quest with a trio of Void Shiki, Mata Hari, and Dantes?
This guy!
Mind the volume, the quality isnāt the greatest
āPirates like me shouldnāt need promos, but after what happened, might as well take all I can get, uh?
Like or reblog this post if yer ready to deal with the Scourge of the Seas, the Pirate Devil, the Shitpost incarnate!
I am Edward Teach, and this is JACKASS!ā
āNo, you are a jackass, itās different. But Iām here too at times, someone gotta watch over him. Just count me as a guest like those party members that donāt always hang around and you never can control them.ā
woah, yorokobe, you've returned!
Rejoice, young demon king, your favorite priest is back, baby!
theshitpostpirate:
Silence fell once again as the pirate pondered upon the otherās words.
At first, his hand twitched to reach his gun; to offend the master that gave him a second chance after the deal in Okeanos, the master that actively trusted him to fight alongside them, even if he was known as the scourge of the seas? Ah! How dared this good for nothing Saint saying such thing? Teeth grinding onto each other, Hook already sharp and ready to strike.
But then, he heard the rest. And somehow, his frown disappeared, replaced by his usual smug smile. A small giggling, blowing up into an heartfell laugh that echoed across the chambers of the church. Loud, booming, while his hands stood onto his hips and his back arched. A laugh that would last for a while, till he explained what caused this fit.
āYou know, ye almost got me. Iām serious! Insulting the Master that gave me a second chance, insultinā my way of living. But youāre wrong, Priest.ā
With a quick movement, the Pirate brought his hands to the sides, arms spread, his height now fully evident. A smile that shine true, even behind his mustache.
āThankless Masters? Confined into a room? Ah, you donāt even know half of it! My Master counts on me, and gave me a chance no other person would after my horrible, reputation ruining behavior of the past! Every dayās a new adventure, be it simply sparring with Servants that I would never have met or by fighting horrendous creature spawned from the bowels of those Demon Gods!ā
āMeanwhile, the one locked between four walls aināt me, itās you. You, who find the only pleasure to just ruin other peopleās desire. But to that, I say screw you, priest.ā
āThat Shield girl, the blue-haired caster. The overweight emperor, the panicky King, and me! Us alone, without four or five stars, were able to bring down things that no other servant ever fought! All while youāre locked up in here, in a limbo till the time youāll be released as some kind of boss! And watch it, youāll not even be a servant to fight, just yet another guy turninā in a pillar! Youāll not even have your own battle sprites! Bahahahah!ā
Another long laugh, as he caught three quartz he has in his pockets - donāt ask when and where he got them - and just launched them in his face, uncaring on whenever they fell short, went too high or hit him straight in the face.
āKeep onā cursinā people, Priest. Youāre giving us nothinā but a good challenge. Four stars, Five stars, Gilgamesh, who cares!ā
āI AM EDWARD MOTHERFUCKING TEACH! Scourge of the Sea, Devil among pirates! Iāve lived my life in the seas, exploring every corner of the world, looting the lootable, spending the spendable, dying while fighting against one of the Navyās biggest ambushes!
Iāll take all your Keys! Black, Blue, Red! Iāll take them all, and then shove them all up your arse one by one when the time will be right! Keep that in mind, scurvy ridden priest!ā
One blink, two blinks. Kirei watched as the anger in Blackbeardās face turned itself into amusement; then to determination. The original speech talking about how he was going to walk the plank, how he was going to hand those saint quartz to the guy completely forgotten he picked up on a purpose to go in life.
Then, to add salt to the growing pile, he even got three extra saint quartz to boot!
Good.
āIs that so...?ā Kirei calmly asked that rhethorical question, just before the saint quartz stopped and started floating right in front of the priest, as if they themselves were frozen in time, but the rest of the world kept going on.
Kirei picked one of them, then----
C R U N C H
Chew, chew, chew, chew, chew, gulp.
āRejoice, Blackbeard, for your wish was just grantedā Kireiās voice seemingly boomed around them with power granted by the thousands of wishes included in his diet.
The summoning ritual presenting itself, a single card provided instead of the usual 10 people asked for.
A single ring appeared, for what use would a servant have rolling for other servants? Let the masters themselves roll until their hearts are satisfied for that ever-elusive 5 star.
The ring gave way to a single gold card. 4 star craft essence? 5 star? Weeeeeell, since Teach said he didnāt need no 5 stars, a 4 star craft essence seems reasonable enough, doesnāt it? But the luck of the cards cannot be controlled, it can only be speculated upon.
At last, the card reveals itself
It is Kirei himself.
The priest himself doesnāt say anything, his handās in an open palm, making making the motions as if offering the card to blackbeard, all with a subtle saintly smile on his face.
Congratulations, Blackbeard! Youāll be taking the priest outside of the room after all, in a weird sort of sense!
@theshitpostpirate:
Out of instinct, the Pirateās hands moved to catch that object flying towards him, even if it was nothing else than a mere half of a dream. Well, all things considered, it was probably closer to a sixth of it, given how many were necessary for a single roll, but weāre not going to ponder and question the capitalistic ideology that caused Fate Goās rolling to be as it was, today.
A look over the priest, then a look towards the quartz. Small enough to fit into a fist, yet worthy of the sweat and hard earned money of the people. A tool powerful enough that it could be used to summon goddesses and heroes of gone ages.
And apparently, it tasted like candy.
āā¦Are you shitting me, priest?ā Leave it to a pirate to be vulgar. āA god damn thing like this canāt be so easy to eat. Hell, Master needs to collect pieces to fuse into one, how the hellā¦ā
And then he had a taste. Eyes opening wide, energy running through his veins. A corrupted energy, the energy of a thousand wishes washing down his throat like mead. It felt so good, and yet so wrong.
āā¦Why the hell are ye even doinā it, Priest? Just for the mere kick of it? To end up in some top tens of most assholish anime villain? Yer sitting over a treasure of this magnitude, just eatinā it away. Are ye just mad in yer own twisted way?ā
"You stay confined in this room for an indefinite amount of time, cut off from the pleasures of the world, and becoming a servant to thankless masters who think theyāre owed the freshest, newest 5-starred servant in the next banner just because they happen to have come across 30 of these things.ā Kirei simply stated with perhaps a bit more force than he should have, all the while he kept his gaze on Teachās own.
āDay after day, my collection of Saint Quartz grow, same as the servants inside the gacha do. But limited as I am, I cannot ever leave this place. No mapotofu, no fresh air, nothing until the next person that comes into the room hands over their Saint Quartz.ā
Kirei took another quartz from his back pocket, and did to it the same as the last one
C R U N C H
Chew, chew, chew, chew, chew, audible swallow.
āI do this for several reasons, pirate. One of them: This is all I have left on a life of ānormalcyā---ā At that word, Kirei rolled his eyes at himself ā-- For however little that means. And the second one:
Do you really think people wonāt call you a lunatic when you start shouting how Kirei Kotomine had a heart-to-heart confession to the most disgusting and creepy pirate to ever roam the halls of Chaldea? Whatās next, Saint Quartz actually tasting like candy? Next youāll tell people that burning merlins is the secret recipe to getting excellent rolls, and that Jeanne Alter will get nerfed into oblivion when the next patch comes.ā
Kirei didnāt do smug smiles, his lack of emotions making him unable to actually pull one off convincingly. But if there was any way he could do that, damn, thatād make the priestās day.
@theshitpostpirate continued from here:
āā¦ā The scourge of the seas doesnāt replies at first. He expected a pletora of reactions, from simple insults to a smug monologue about how heās the newest hot sensation and quartzs should be used to summon him - if possible at all - rather than āwastingā them towards anyone else.
A silence, deep with meaning. Hatred growing second by second, as the realization of what happened settled in. Hands clenching into fists. Foot pressing onto the ground. Teeth grinding, bear ruffling and, finally, the explosion.
āYOU ABSOLUTE MONSTER! YOU KRAKEN! YOUā¦YOUā¦ā A gasp, as he was thinking about the right insult and recovering some air for his lungs. āYOU GOD FORSAKEN CURVY RIDDEN HOPE KILLING WAIFU HATING WASTE OF A BAD END SLOT!ā All in one breath. āTO NOT LIMIT YOURSELF TO CURSE PEOPLE WITH SIMPLE MISFORTUNE, BUT TO EAT WHAT THEY DESIRE? NOW I UNDERSTAND WHY THE WEIRD ARCHER GUY CANāT STAND YOUR GUTS!
YOUāRE THE EQUIVALENT OF ROTTEN FISH! OF GRAVEL IN A BOOT! OFā¦OFā¦OF A KICKSTARTER SCAMMER!ā More insults, Hook waving around, hands moving from pulling his beard in frustration to waving into the hair. āIāll admit, itās pretty impressive for a priest to gather this bout of hatred and fame so easily, BUT YOUāVE CROSSED LINES THAT NOT EVEN NASU EVER DARED!ā
A bout of grunts, of him thinking about using his guns, aware of how the priest might even just bite the bullet in more ways that just one. But then, a revelation, a realization. Light during the storm.
āā¦But wait. Wait wait wait. Oh, this pirate finally gets it. The reason of your anger. The reason why youāre doing this to everyone else.ā
āYouāre doing it because youā¦you yourself are cursed, isnāt it? You bring pain because even by having all these keys, all these quartzā¦you canāt summon anything but that Golden bastards, isnāt it? Your research for a waifu ruined your laifu, and now you want to ruin everyoneās else own!
Lololol! I canāt believe this!ā Of course, whenever it was true or not, one thing was sure - thatās the voice he would spread to ruin the priestās reputation. And for someone as loud as him, wel, it was easy to expect said gossip to run across all of Chaldea in mere minutes.
Kirei kept chewing, completely uncaring at the mad ramblings of the pirate. Did he keep going on because he had no waifu; and therefore no laifu? Sometimes, Kirei wondered, if only because having no emotions to well upon actually made him stop to reconsider whatever he was doing with his own life.
However, thatās another topic for another day; and the present is that even if Teach was right in a sense, he couldnāt be any more futher away from the mark at all. Isnāt it sad, Eddy-chin?
No words needed, Kirei looked at the hand and half a saint quartz held in it, then back to Teach. The priest mentally shrugged before tossing that half over to the mad pirate, for however the rest of Chaldea considered the guy.
āIt tastes like candy.ā
Thatās all the priest said. Thatās all he needed to say; for who, if anyone else, was gonna believe the pirate about some random-ass shitty priest who gleefully basks on the misery of others?
"Oh, if it isn't the most hated priest in the history of...wait, do we even have an history anymore? God, this story's more confusin' than some weird time travel romance VN. ANYWAY! You're known to bring bad roll for all, uh? Well, too bad, this time you're the one which dices betrayed, because I am here! Now hand over the quartz, or I'll make you walk the plank! Or delete your account and all your five stars, whichever is funnier."
Surprise, surprise! For once it aināt someone asking to be blessed on their roll, but rather someone... Who was trying to steal funds from your Friendly Neighborhood Saintly Priest?
What a fiendish thing to do!
Kirei just stood there, hearing with an unreadable expression. No eyebrows raised, nor comments to the time travel romance VN comments, the priest just let Edward Teach say his piece. At last, and when the pirate finally finished rambling, Kirei smiled, and with what appeared to be nerves of steel, he calmly replied.
āOh, do you mean the saint quartz?ā
He took one of said items from one of his pockets, but before Edward could even do anything,
C R U N C H
In Kireiās hand now he held half a piece of Saint Quartz, divided by what appeared to be a single bite mark. Where was the other half?
Well, if the priestās mouth didnāt give the answer away, his unflinching gaze towards the pirateās eyes as he continued chewing in silence for a full minute did. No blinks, no side gazes, no anything from Kirei, just---
chew, chew, chew, chew, chew.
bald merlin is really just twink vin diesel in a hoodie
anon ive had the misfortune to look at this ask as it stands stagnant in our inbox for at least a week now and i hate it so much thanks
It is the year of 2019, or more accurately, 0 Anno Bald Merlinni (ABM). The old calendar of Anno Domini discarded after DW released the newest event, one that rocked the very foundations of humanity as a new danger approached.
It all started with a simple leak found in the tumblr known as ābadfgopostsā, nobody knowing it was but a warning of things to come. An image dubbed as ābald merlinā. Cursed beyond belief, people took to him like a storm, and it quickly spread around the internet, his fame growing more and more with each passing day.
Who were these unsung heroes, though now they may be more remembered as villains? Nobody knows. Their warnings, unregarded, the final day came when DW announced the new collab event, one as unlikely to come as any other.
The Fast and The Furious: Chaldea Drift. Da Vinci, in a first of being a welfare, participated in the event via making her own dune buggy become race-ready. Ishtar, Ereshkigal providing the courses, with Rider Kintoki making a surprising comeback after his Onigashima event. However, not everything was honey and roses, as the powercreep showed itself.
5 star, rider class Merlin. With a set of skills including āMultitrack Driftingā, providing a party-wide evade with a self NP charge, it was a ridiculous skill, especially when levelled up. āDeja Vuā, a self-buff that made it so that his attacks dealt damage twice in the same turn, and āNitro switchā, a buster/crit buff, along being the first rider that naturally reached to the 13.8k in pure damage, he just outclassed so many servants, and his NP āGTX of Avalonā which provided heals, along a 3-turn party-wide evade, it wasnāt even funny.
Most striking of all was his appearance, a huge departure from his original caster class. Instead of the flowing locks everyone grew used to, he now sported a bald look, and was unexpectedly voiced by Vin Diesel, even in the japanese version. Nobody knew why, nobody knew how, but there was one thing everyone discovered.
Their wallets would know peace no more.
Kirei gave me a boon for making this blog long ago, but it seems itās run out, and now I have average luck instead of mapotofu-boosted luck
So, seeing how people are sharing their FGO code, I thought to share mine as well!
Speaking of which, Iām sorry for stealing all the luck
don't spook me, kirei.
@mxxou
Whatās THIS?
A poor soul who WANTS TO ROLL? ON TODAY, KIREIāS BIRTHDAY?
āRejoice, great demon king, for today is a special day.ā The priest smiles with a joyless expression, gathering the saint quartz to perform the 10-summon. Truly, what a vile day.
The lights converged on the center of the room, rings popping one by one as the cards revealed their contents. At the center, however, stood a solitary one. Instead of the plain white orbs of light, golden appeared, dancing amongst them as they revealed a rider class card.
Could it be?
Is it the fabled Ozymandias?
SYKE! Marie Antoinette takes the stage, her idol troupe consisting of three Ushiwakamarus and Medusa surrounding her. Special Effects director Charlie Babbage directs the steam, preparing the pop stars to make their debut.
With thanks to make up master Mephistopheles, the idol group (plus David) start singing the song of their people.
What a spectacle!
I have an important announcement to make
That is all
I have an important announcement to make
That is all
a-sleepy-saint replied to your post ā@a-sleepy-saintā
"Did you miss me, Kirei? Ehehe"
There she was.
So delicate.
So beautiful.
So grotesque, so ill, so hopeful sowrongwrongwrongwrongwrongwrongWRONGWRONGWRONGWRONG
What a sight for sore eyes an eyesore
The priestās mind raced at a thousand miles per hour, yet it was strangely clear at the same time. What was appropriate in this case? Should he laugh? Should he smile? Should he greet her back?
Ultimately, he did none of those things, and actually walked forward to hug with the same expressionless face he was known for. His arms coiling around the delicate body as he tightly crushed her, letting no breath go in or out, ultimately giving him the chance to end her life once and for all-----
Except it isnāt the right time to do that, nor the mood. Even after he told Claudia he couldnāt love her, she handnāt mentally broken. Even death hadnāt broken her, and she was right back in front of him, smiling.
Claudia is truly a Saint.
And he wanted to see her completely broken.
For that, he held back his hug to bearable levels. Thereās still work to do.
He didnāt answer the question either.
@a-sleepy-saint