Coping with S*xual Assault:
A victim/survivor's emotional responses to an assault will vary from individual to individual. S*xual assault is an extremely traumatic and life changing event. It's important to remember that your responses are not crazy; they are normal reactions to a traumatic situation called r*pe. People whoa re victims/survivors of an attempted assault also may have similar feelings. Recovery from assault is a lengthy process; the passage of time lessens the pain. People recover from assaults just like they recover from other crisis's. In the course of reorganizing their lives, some women become more sure of their own strengths and more confident in the power of the healing process. Remember, your feelings and experiences are not abnormal - and you are not alone.
Fear of People, Sense of Vulnerability:
Victims frequently fear people and feel vulnerable even when going through the regular activities of life. Being afraid to be alone or afraid of being with lots of people, they may find themselves not knowing who to trust. They may have lost their sense of safety in their own environment, which makes them feel vulnerable. They may even fear it might happen again or be particularly aware of s*xual innuendoes, looks or leers, pats, and whistles that they once took in stride.
If you are a victim, remember...
* Temporarily "not trusting" is a protective device that is an emotional coping skill. You will be able to trust when you've had a chance to heal and are feeling less vulnerable.
* Learning to trust others and learning to trust your own judgement again will take time and support from others. This is particularly difficult if the assailant was someone you know.
* Trust your "gut feelings" if something feels unsafe.
* Try to spend time with friends, family, or people you trust.
* Talk to trusted support people about your feelings.
* Set firm boundaries, even with loved ones. If they care about you they will understand.
Guilt, Shame, Self-Blame:
Most victims feel guilty and ashamed about the assault. Sometimes blaming oneself helps a victim to feel less helpess and in control. They question that they somehow may have "provoked" or "asked for it" or that they should have known what was going to happen. They may think that they should have known what was going to happen. They may think they shouldn't have trusted the assailant or should have prevented the assault. Some of these feelings are the result of society's myths about r*pe and s*xuality. Victims know what society believes and worry about what others might think of them now.
If you are a victim, remember...
* No one deserves to be s*xually assaulted - tell yourself that many times a day.
* Realize your guilt and self-blame are efforts to feel some control over the assault and your life.
* Education about the facts surrounding s*xual assault may be helpful in dispelling shame and self-blame.
* Praise yourself for having done the best you could to survive the assault. "I did the best I could, given the situation.
This is the most common way of managing trauma-related pain is through avoidance. The victim may avoid situations that remind you of the assault, such as the place where it happened, or are less directly related such as going out in the evening if you were assaulted at night. Another way to reduce comfort is trying to push away painful thoughts and feelings. Most victims learn very fast to "stuff their feelings". As soon as a feeling comes up, the survivors stuffs it right back down. This can lead to feelings of numbness, where you find it difficult to feel anything. Sometimes the painful thoughts or feelings may be so intense that your mind just blocks them out altogether, and you may not be able to remember the assault.
If you are a victim, remember...
* Often assault triggers feelings that may be hard to handle including rage, anxiety, fear, guilt, and shame. All of these feelings are natural, and it's important to find someone you trust with whom you can share your feelings.
* Acknowledging and expressing feelings about the assault is an important part of healing.
* Write down your feelings in a journal, meet with a therapist, or talk with other survivors who understand them.
Anger is an appropriate, healthy response to assault. It usually means that the victim is healing and has begun to look at the assailant's responsibility for the assault. Victims vary greatly in how readily they feel and express anger. Many people who have been assaulted feel angry not only with the assailant but also with others. It may be especially difficult to express if a victim has been taught that being angry is never appropriate. Anger can be vented but in appropriate ways, or turned in, where it may become sadness, pain, or depression.
If you are victim, remember...
* Allow yourself to be angry - you have every right to feel angry. It is a common reaction to assault.
* Write down your feelings in a journal or talk with other survivors who understand them.
* Releasing physical tension that goes with anger can be worked out physically without harming you or others through exercise, walking, running or biking.
* Find what works best for you to express your anger in a healthy manner that will not hurt you or anyone else.
* Remember that angry feelings need to be directed at the assailant, not yourself.
Loss of Control Over Own Life, Fear of the Assailant:
The assailant stepped into the victim's life and took control. The victim did not have a choice and they did what they had to do to survive that situation. They may feel unsure about themselves and often temporarily lack their usual self-confidence. Decisions that were made routinely before feel monumental now. They may even feel that because of the assault they have to change their whole lifestyle to feel safe. They may also feel that the assailant has taken away their good feelings about their own body, leaving them to feel "used", "dirty", or "bad".
If you a victim, remember...
* Your ability to make decisions will return.
* People who offer options and support your decisions unconditionally can help you regain confidence.
* It isn't paranoia to take precautions that will help you feel safe.
* Your fear is a result of your heightened sense of awareness and feeling out of control.
* You may want to experiment with a different lifestyle that may make you feel more secure. Trusting only those who have earned your trust, locking doors, staying with trusted friends, taking self-defense classes, etc. are normal means to help you feel safer and regain a sense of control over your life.
This includes feeling jumpy, jittery, or shaky, being easily startled, and having trouble concentrating or sleeping. Continuous arousal can lead to impatience and irritability, especially if you are not getting enough sleep. The arousal reactions are due to the fight or flight response kicking in in your body. Another reaction to danger is to freeze, like a deer in the headlights, which often happens during an assault. The fight, flight, or freeze response is the way we protect ourselves from danger by fighting, running away, or freezing we need a lot more energy that usual, so, in order to survive, our bodies pump out extra adrenaline to help us get moving. People who have been assaulted often see the world as filled with danger. The problem is, that increased arousal is useful in truly dangerous situation, such as if we find ourselves facing a tiger, but becomes very uncomfortable for a long period of time even in safe situations.
If you are victim, remember...
* Increased arousal is a normal physiological reaction to a trauma.
* Take good care of yourself. Anxiety only gets worse if you are sleep-deprived, hungry, or dehydrated. Exercise helps soothe your nervous system. Good self-care is not selfish, it is very important.
* Practice anxiety/tress-reduction techniques. Do one thing a week to make yourself feel good - it may be a long bath, it may be progressive muscle relaxation, mediation, or taking a walk.
* Avoid substances that stimulate the central nervous system such as caffeine and nicotine.
Re-Experiencing the Trauma:
People who have been assaulted often re-experience the trauma. For example, you may have unwanted thoughts of the assault and find yourself unable to get rid of them. Some people have flashbacks, or very vivid images as if the assault is occurring again. Triggers that can cause flashbacks include places, times of day, certain smells or noises, or any situation that reminds you of the assault. Nightmares are also common. Nightmares can replay the assault or be "fear dreams" of being chased, etc. This can begin shortly after the attack and continue for a long period of time. Victims may fear they are "losing it" or may feel that they should be "over it by now". However, these symptoms occur because a traumatic experience is so shocking and so different from every day experiences that you can't fit it into what you know about the world. So, in order to understand what happened, your mind keeps bringing the memory back, as if to better digest it and fit it in.
If you are a victim, remember...
* These responses, as scary as they are, are normal reactions to trauma and can be the way your emotions "act out" and deal with the fear you experience.
* Healing takes time, it will take time for the flashbacks, nightmares, and fears to go away too.
* As you begin to pay more attention to the times you feel afraid, you can discover the triggers for your anxiety.
* It's important to talk about the flashbacks, nightmares, and fears and how they affect your life. Keeping them a secret from people you trust may be depriving yourself of a lot of caring and support from those people.
* Keeping a journal and writing about feelings, dreams, and fears can be a helpful tool.
Talking About the Attack vs. Keeping the Secret:
Some victims may be compelled to tell others about the attack; some feel it must be hidden from everyone or from certain people because of fear or shame. Such risks are real, because some people may not be supportive or understanding, or, even worse, may not believe or even blame the victim for what happened. It is extremely important for victims to be able to talk about the assault, their feelings about it, and how it has changed their life in order to heal.
If you a victim, remember...
* It's OK to choose not to tell or ask for a supportive person to help you tell others about the assault.
* It's important to talk about the assault with people you trust.
* Remember, that the assault was not your fault. It doesn't matter what the circumstances were that led up to the assault - what you were wearing, if you chose to have s*x with this person before, or if you were drinking - what matters was that you chose not to be s*xual and that choice was not respected - you were a victim. People who do not understand what assault is, or who may have to work through there own issues, may respond in a shaming, blaming way. People who don't want to believe that assault can happen to you or to anyone may respond in disbelief. It's important to remember that these reactions, as painful and frustrating as they may be, do not change the fact that it was not your fault.
* Try to get support from people who have knowledge about s*xual assault and are sensitive to the needs of victims, such as SA centers, therapists who specialize in working with victims of assault, etc.
Concern for the Assailant:
Some victims express concern about what will happen to the assailant if the attack is reported or prosecuted. Others express a concern that an assailant is sick or ill and needs psychiatric care more than prison. It is human to show concern for others, especially those who are troubled, destructive, and confused. Some of these attitudes may be the result of the victim's effort to understand what happened, particularly if there was a previous relationship. These attitudes might also be the result in the victim blaming themselves for the assault. If a victim feels sorry for the assailant they might find it difficult to express their anger and indignation for what they have suffered.
If you are a victim, remember...
* The assault was not your fault, only the assailant was responsible for what happened.
* You have a right to have and express anger.
* The assailant needs to be held accountable for their actions.
* You can have mixed feelings - you can love/like the assailant as a person and still hate what they did.
* Pushing yourself to prematurely "forgive" the assailant may force you to stuff down your feelings of anger and rage towards the assailant.
* Reporting the assault may be one way you choose to turn your anger into a positive action.
* Reporting may be the only way for the assailant to get treatment.
Victims may experience a variety of s*xual concerns after an assault. They may want no s*xual contact whatsoever, they may need intimacy- stroking, nurturing, holding - and not want to be s*xual, or they may experience some confusion about separating s*x from s*xual abuse. Particular s*xual acts engaged in by the assailant may provoke flashbacks and thus be very difficult to engage in.
If you are a victim, remember...
* To retreat s*xually is a normal coping mechanism.
* S*xual healing takes time. You have a right to refuse to be s*xual until you feel ready.
* It's OK to ask your partner to nurture you and not ask you to be s*xual at this time.
* A patient, gentle, intimate partner is helpful in your healing process.
* R*pe is not s*x. Intimate consensual lovemaking bears no resemblance to assault.
Self-Image and Views of the World:
Victim's self-image and views of the world often become more negative after an assault. You may tell yourself, "If I hadn't been so weak or stupid, this wouldn't have happened to me." Many women see themselves as more negative overall after the assault - "I am a bad person and deserved this." It is also very common to see others more negatively, and to feel that you can't trust anyone. If you used to think about the world as a safe place, the assault suddenly makes you think the world is dangerous and others aren't to be trusted. These negative thoughts often make women feel they have been changed by the assault. Relationships with others can become tense and it is difficult to become intimate with people as you trust decreases.
If you a victim, remember...
* Because the assault has changed so much of how you see the world and yourself, it makes sense to feel sad and it is important to grieve for what you lost because of the assault.
* Remember bad things happen to good people. Nothing you did caused you to be assaulted.
* Learning to trust others and learning to your own judgment again will take time and support from others. This is particularly difficult if the assailant was someone you know.
* Praise yourself for having done the best you could to survive the assault. "I did the best I could, given the situation.
* In the course of reorganizing their lives, some women become more sure of their own strengths and more confident in the power of the healing process.
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