holy

this is my gore/god blog. i dont tag things unless specifically asked. he/him

[parsabad]

Lunar eclipse/ PERSPOLIS/ Fārs/ Iran Photographer: amir sadeghian

[pjharvey]

i am an intense person and i am going to be an intense person for the rest of my life but the right people will stick around i think hopefully

[lacerationdivination]

no idea who i can talk to. i've been isolated for so long. its all about to come out. i cant keep going like this anymore.

theres a part of me thats ready for it to burn. thats ready for it to hurt, ready for it to ache in that deep deep place in my chest. its craving it. its been so long since we've had a big time of change. but it has to happen. i have these feelings that i just cant ignore, and its not fair to them as much as it isnt fair to myself. this whole thing has been unstable and built on top of so many bad habits. promises broken. trust betrayed. and i stayed, every time. i dont know why i stayed. love, i suppose. i see the good in them. but they've got me in a cage. one i never asked to be put in. one that i, actually, specifically asked not to be put in. and i'm done waiting. waiting for them to get over it, to catch up and finally feel comfortable enough to let me out. you cant expect me to stay in here for my whole life.

let it hurt. let them scream and cry and beg. let them beg and beg and beg. but be firm. be firm. stand still, dont go backwards. i've abandoned myself my entire life. abandoned my own needs, my own wants, what my own fucking feelings even truly are. i havent been my genuine self in a long time. i dont know if i ever really have been. somethings always restricted me. no more. this just cant continue. im still dealing with the exact same things i was before moving across the country. im still so lonely and isolated. im extremely repressed. i've buried so many behaviors and habits that made them uncomfortable. but they were things that made me ME. ive made myself smaller, restricted myself, agreed to their rules temporarily hoping things would get better as they worked thru things but...they just havent. theyre not going to be the one to approach me about it. i have to do it. i have to say it. and i have to be honest. there IS someone im interested in. and its probably exactly who they think it is. and its gonna suck. but god. i just. i cant just sit with these feelings and pretend i dont have them. not when im almost positive its reciprocated. i never agreed to monogamy. i never agreed to being closed off. i never agreed to any of this.

its gonna hurt. but its gonna hurt even more to sit in it forever. resentment, real, true, honest resentment, is so much worse than i ever thought. these feelings are terrible, but I AM NOT TERRIBLE FOR FEELING THEM. i deserve to have my needs met. my fantasies fulfilled. i deserve to express love and affection in my own way, no matter how anyone else thinks of it. i deserve my autonomy and my freedom, and someone who really loves me will understand that this is just who i am. you cannot have 8 billion people on this planet and expect me to only love one of them. i dont have to change myself just because someone else loves me and wants to be with me. i dont have to change myself for someone elses comfort. i have to stop. it has to stop here.

ARE YOU STRONG ENOUGH TO CHANGE YOURSELF LIKE WE USED TO

ARE YOU STRONG ENOUGH TO GO THROUGH THE PAIN OF GROWTH

WILL YOU CHOOSE TO DEAL WITH THE DULL ACHE FOREVER OVER THE SHARP AND LIBERATING STAB OF CHANGE

[lacerationdivination]

no ones coming to save me

[lacerationdivination]

people dont realize how close i am at any given time to just completely losing my mind. ive managed my symptoms for so long and ive done such a good job of hiding everything. im never honest about my emotions. im never honest about whats going on in my head. i have to quiet so many voices that are separate from my own. and sometimes those voices mix and melt into my own, and its hard to tell whats me and whats The Disorder. im one really bad thing away from having a total mental break.

i have to reel myself in so often. theres a part of me screaming for me to just give in, to just indulge in the self-destruction, to let go of this bit of reality and return to the one i held so many years ago. to be crazy and unstable, to not care what people think as im ripping myslef open over and over and over. to start skipping meals again, drinking excessively, sleeping around, all the things i have urges to do but have to hold at bay.

im not okay. ive never been okay. ive never been a normal functioning member of society. im a fucked up broken worthless individual who cant do anything worth any value. im a shit friend, im a shit partner, im a shit person in general. bad things keep happening to me because its what i deserve. why do i think i should just get to do nothing and still get by in life? everyone has to work. everyone has to work. everyone has to work. everyone has to work. everyone has to work. everyone has to work. everyone has to work. you have to work. you have to work. work work work work you have to WORK yOU HAVE TO WORK YOU AHVER TO WORK FOREVER WORKWORKWOROKWKORWKORWOWORK FOREFEVER YOU CANT EVER BE FREE

[lacerationdivination]

every day i have to push through the suicidal thoughts. every day i have to quiet the "i wish i was dead" that keeps repeating at random times. i wasnt supposed to make it this far. i was supposed to be dead 10 years ago. i wasnt taught how to be a functioning adult. i was taught how to hide and people please and grovel. i was taught that theres something inherently wrong with me and that i'm going ot have to spend my entire life justifying my existence. justifying being alive. and when youve been trying ot prove it for so long you start to wonder- surely it wouldnt be this hard if they werent right about me. it wouldnt be this hard to just exist if i was actually supposed to. there must actually be something wrong with me, and its been there my whoel life, and itll be there forever and theres nothing i can ever do about it. im worthless and dont deserve comfort or safety. i dont deserve financial security. i dont deserve food. i dont deserve to be stable. maybe i'd be better off on the street, lost in my psychosis until someone hits me with their car or i die in a ditch somewhere.

[lacerationdivination]

i want to hurt myself so badly but i cant. my skin is on fire and i wnat to cut cut cut cut cut cut but im not allowed. i havent done it in 6 years. i never thought i'd go this long. but i still think about it every single day. we're about to lose everything and i just want to rend myself. i want to be a bloody mess on the floor again. i want someone, anyone, please god, please, just please notice how bad it is.

but no ones coming to save me. thats not how this works. i dont deserve special treatment. i dont deserve anything. this suffering is what i deserve. it just never ends. and it never will. its just going ot keep being horrible forever until im finally dead

[lacerationdivination]

3 years since i've been here.

it feels like something is trying to claw its way out of me. im barely managing to hold it at bay. therapy helped a lot but it wasnt enough. im still like this. im still fucked up. im a couple steps away from completely losing my mind and i've been dealing with that for so so so long. i dont know what to do. i have to keep waiting until i can afford help. money is so tight right now its a little scary but im managing. but that means i cant pursue more treatment right now. even though i really desperately need it. im really downplaying to everyone around me how bad i am. i dont know what to say. or how to say it. or what would even come of any of it. so i just act like its all okay and ill just. get better when im able to. and no one will have to know.

[painstation-deactivated20181026]

[vvolare]

“Becoming Wilderness”

Inka Lindergard and Niclas Holmstrom

[femalepentimento]

https://www.instagram.com/femalepentimento/

[abandonedandurbex]

[frolicingintheforest]

[sictransitgloriamvndi]

Verfallene Kapelle / Chapel Ruin (1845, Oil on canvas) - Carl Hasenpflug

[space-pics]

Hubble Sees a Young Star Take Center Stage by NASA Goddard Photo and Video

[lacerationdivination]

i dont know why but every now and then theres something that tugs me back here. i’m so much better now but i know that all of this is still inside me. of course i’m “rational” or whatever now, but i’d be lying if i said i never thought about any of it anymore. my wings are but faded wisps of what they used to be, but theyre still there. a part of them still exists. i may not shudder when i feel the wind blow through them anymore, but every now and then the pang of a weight that doesn’t exist resonates through my whole body, and i’m not sure which feeling i hate more. 

getting older and growing up is weird. its weird looking back and knowing that all of this was me. i still have the remnants, faded as they may be. i look back at my writings from years and years ago and wonder “how the fuck is this me?” while at the same time the memories flood through my brain, my hands, my veins, my wings, my soul. i may not be a delusional teenager anymore, but everything that happened to me back then, including the divinity delusions, heavily influenced my current belief system and how i even function on a day-to-day basis.

theres that part of me that is still holding on to it. cradling it, almost. the idea of letting go of it feels impossible. its comforting, knowing that if things really really went wrong, i could just...go back. let myself succumb again and this time i could totally and completely lose myself in it. of course i dont want that to actually happen but......its there. and i know its there. and its probably always going to be there. i can always go back.

[lacerationdivination]

i hope you’re happy. i hope you’re safe. i never even knew you but i think about you so often. i wonder if you ever feel it.