Fleeting Thoughts at the Wrong Times

I may be gone, but I hope you find solace in the pieces of myself that I choose to leave behind. 

[lettersfromlily]

My Dearest Loved Ones,

You know those thoughts? The ones that always kind of pop up at the most inopportune times? The ones that are loud and consistent, set on being heard? The same ones that you always want to share with those that you love? Well, i have those often. My mind never seems to shut off and it seems that most of the time, there’s a steady trickle of thoughts reserved for each of you. 

I created this blog so that I can document these thoughts for you, so that maybe one day each of you can see how often and how lovingly I thought of each of you. 

I don’t know how much longer I will have, so by the time you find this there’s no telling how many of these letters there will be. I can tell you that at this moment, it is a slow and mellow mannered summer evening. I am sitting beside the window in the kitchen in my mother’s trailer. The sun is just beginning to slip its way beneath the horizon for its several hours of slumber. This sunset doesn’t look like it will be one worth trying to preserve the memory of. That said, I feel it important to mention my mental state at this point as well. I am depressed. The idea of dying seems to be more and more enticing by the day. Yet, I know that I have a bit more time left, even if I don’t much care for it. On the bright side, that means I have more time with each of you when life seems to permit it, not that she seems to be very permitting these days. 

All things considered, I hope that by whatever means I am taken away, that you can find your peace with it. If by my own hand, I know it will be hard, but I hope one day you will find the means to forgive me. If by circumstances out of our control, I hope that you can forgive whoever or whatever it was. I hope that should you need healing that it comes to you swiftly. I hope that each of you can find comfort in one another. Nothing would make me happier than to see the people I love most find a way to love one another. I hope that your love for one another is somewhat reminiscent of the love I had for you. I hope you find comfort where you least suspect it and that you feel my presence when you need it most. I hope this plays some role in whatever healing you may need. 

I will do my best to keep letters balanced, and I will have a navigation post of sorts so that all of the letters will be sorted and so that people can find their letters easily. Additionally, each letter will be tagged with who its addressed for such as “#For Alivia” (you’re sitting right here, and I just told you about this, hopefully it’s been a while since then.) Or more generally you’ll see “#For My Loved Ones.” It will also be tagged with a date. 

There will be an array of posts such as letters, songs or playlists, or just things that remind me of you. I hope they make you laugh or smile or that they explain things or answer questions. Whatever you find here, I hope it’s always what you need. 

I do ask that you try to refrain from reading things meant specifically for others. I do anticipate that some things will be meant solely for specific eyes, and if you could respect them as well as myself by reading only what’s general or addressed to you, that would mean a lot to me. 

Lastly, if you happen to be the only person to come across this blog, I ask that you look at the “Master list” and read through the names with letters. You’ll likely know exactly who they are, so I will not be using last names, and if a last name is ever needed, then I will only use the first initial of the last name. You should be able to take it from there. I believe in you wholeheartedly. I know this might be a lot to ask, but if you can manage this, it would be greatly appreciated. 

With an abundance of undying love,

Lily M. 

[lettersfromlily]

Here’s a playlist of all of my all time favorite music. Give it a listen when you want to feel like you’re in the car with me or if you feel like you need a little extra dose of my presence. Airplanes and Gold were lifetime anthems for me, I hope you love them as much as I do.

[lettersfromlily]

[lettersfromlily]

[lettersfromlily]

My Dearest Loved Ones,

It’s been a minute. If I’m honest, I’d forgotten about this little project for a while. But, recently I mentioned it to Lizzy and how she’d need to find it after I died (I hope you’ve found it) and I figured it was time to start writing again.

You know, I haven’t really discussed it with any of you, but I really don’t feel as if I was meant to live for a long time. Call it a gut feeling. I could be wrong, but I’ve learned over time that my gut is seldom ever wrong. The prospect scares me a bit. I hope I’m wrong. It would be nice if I were wrong, but I won’t hold my breath.

I start my second job back at the theater tomorrow. I should be sleeping. It’s midnight and I have to be up for work at six, yet here I am. Extremely frustrated and tired, unable to sleep, and just thinking about all of you.

I hope each of you know how much I love you. I hope you know how much I appreciate that you were a part of my life, long or short. Thank you.

That said, I’m gonna stop here.

With an abundance of undying love,

Lily M.

[lettersfromlily]

[lettersfromlily]

[lettersfromlily]

Safe

Safe, a song by All Time Low on Spotify

“So put the car in drive and don’t stop runnin’ ‘til you’re long gone.”

[lettersfromlily]

[lettersfromlily]

Songs of a Lifetime, a playlist by Lily Merritt on Spotify

A playlist featuring Parachute, Bella Thorne, Daughtry, and others

Here is a playlist of almost every song I’ve listened to since the year 2015 (I think). This playlist will contain almost any and every song you could ever imagine that we listened to together. It was my most listened to and worked on playlist. These truly are the songs that define a lifetime. 

[lettersfromlily]

I Wish The World Had Been Kinder

Have you ever watched a day come to life from the back of an ambulance on a morning you never thought you’d live to embrace?

Watched a fruit fly and wondered if it knew it would likely die within the next 48 hours, wishing you could be as fortunate? 

Have you pulled at the straps meant for constraining you so tightly that your fingertips went numb and realized that the rest of you felt the exact same way?

Waited for the sun to peek through the clouds, knowing that it wouldn’t because you’ve never been that lucky? 

I wish the world had been kinder. 

I wish we’d never known such pain. 

[lettersfromlily]

My Dearest Loved Ones,

As of late, I have had several nights in which I find myself silently pleading God for some sense of direction. I’ve tried my best to be a bright spot in each of your lives, but I can’t help but feel as if I’ve become more dark the more vocal I become about how I feel. I’m sure that each of you have been painfully aware of the heavy presence that has been plaguing me at this point in my life. I’m sure it hasn’t been the easiest thing in the world to do. I’m positive that it has the potential to be over-bearing and burdensome. Yet, I’m sure you’d all say it wasn’t, and even if it had been you’d do it all again.

Those are the types of people you are. I am very fortunate to have had each of you in my life. I am extremely blessed that although darkness haunts my mind, that love from y’all flourishes all around me.

It’s a late night, an early morning, however you wish to refer to it. Olivia, this is the night that we facetimed and begrudgingly committed to pulling an all-nighter so that we could catch up on our school work. You hung up a while ago so that you could go talk to Savannah and pop a caffeine capsule. You told me you’d be five minutes, and maybe ten minutes later, I chuckle knowing that you’ll probably be another ten or so.

**Correction: You’re calling right now. You said that you needed time to let the caffeine work its magic, and I totally get it. Apparently, you took the time to let Savannah read your palms.

Regardless, I want to let you know that I am grateful that I have you to struggle with, no matter the situation. It seems that we always find ourselves falling into the same holes. And when we get tired of our holes, we always help each other claw our way out. It’s a terribly annoying yet enduring cycle, and I am so happy that I undergo with you.

I’m now at this point in the letter, and though I had a set intention/point for it, I have completely forgotten it, and I think I may end the letter here and post a poem or something.

With an abundance of undying love,

Lily M.