I'm trying man

they/them. 20. Active April 2025 ⚠️ED and mental illness behavior trigger warning!!⚠️

[lil-smol-bean-04]

This is my pinned post ig? I've never had one before so I thought I'd do it.

This blog is about me dealing with @na and my mental health.

There'll be mentions (and sometimes numbers) of/from c@ls, fast!ng and things like that, but I'll never post about my w3ight number, sometimes I'll say how much I've lost within a time period but I won't say my w3ight out of respect for people on here and my lovely followers since we all probably know how triggering it can be, which I wouldn't wanna contribute to. I'm not in any way saying I have a problem with ppl doing it, cuz I don't, I just prefer not to❤️

I turned 20 this July and have been dealing with @na for the past 8-9 years now

Anyways thanks for reading all this and welcome to my blog<3

[lil-smol-bean-04]

Hi guys, I'm still not r3lapskng don't worry, that's not why I'm here!

But I'm having an issue right now; basically I've been feeling super fatigued for the past week now and I really have been eating properly so I know it's not that, but im just wondering if I should contact a doctor?😭 Like I feel like my balance is shit and like im about to fall over whenever I stand still but I don't? It just feels like it. And then I also have re ocurring (is that how you write it?) headaches and nausea that lasts for hours at a time... My current guess is lack of sleep and possibly dehydration even tho I feel like im drinking enough? But it's summer and hot out so I know i need to drink more than usual and I'm not sure if I am, but I'm trying

I'm decaying😭

[lil-smol-bean-04]

I currently have 2 ongoing ao3 fics, one I haven't updated in 3 months (byler) and the other 4 months (soukoku)😭 I feel sorry for my readers, it's just so rarely I actually have motivation to write

The byler one I am writing tho, I have over 8 a4 pages for the next chapter, its just not done yet😭😭

I know this is not at all what I usually post but I just felt like sharing it somewhere and this is the only place I can cuz I have no IRLs on here🫡

[finn-is-fucking-tired-deactivat]

“Forgive and forget” no! I hope he dies :)

[lil-smol-bean-04]

I wish I was born a boy💔.

[lil-smol-bean-04]

I was scrolling on Facebook and I just saw someone from my old middle/primary(? Idk im not American?) school class who has just gotten a bachelors degree in Applied mathematics and I've never felt so useless and unaccomplished before in my life, like wtf am I even doing anymore? People (1person) my age are getting degrees and I'm stuck working a shitty customer service job because I'm too fvcked in the head to be able to handle going to school, god existence is a fvcking nightmare, I'll never get anywhere with my life

[lil-smol-bean-04]

I can do a whole 5 pushups now YIPPIEE

[lil-smol-bean-04]

I can do a whole 7 pushups now!!!

[lil-smol-bean-04]

I can do a whole 11 pushups now hell yeah!!

[lil-smol-bean-04]

I can do a whole 5 pushups now YIPPIEE

[lil-smol-bean-04]

I can do a whole 7 pushups now!!!

[lil-smol-bean-04]

Hey guys I'm mostly okay rn, I was relapsing for like a week mid november and then got out of it and then just before new years I had a week where I just barely had an appetite, no idea why, but of course my stupid brain took that as a sign to just eat even less on purpose, but then I've kinda gotten out of that as well and I think i'm doing okay but I felt like posting on here, it has been a while and I sort of miss the community on here because you're all so kind<3

I've gotten a new goal which is to just work out and become muscular enough that my títs disappear🙏I also wanted to post a picture my mom took of me today in (/on) the snow just because I felt like it looked nice but I had nowhere else to post it and I hoped that you guys would maybe like it.

I won't lie and say i'm just magically healed and sh!t, so I'm gonna be honest and say that most of the reason I like this picture is because my legs actually look sk!nny in it, which of course is a mindset I should be trying to move past, but it's obviously a slow process... Anyways here is the picture, I do also just like it because it's nice and a vibe but yeah

[lil-smol-bean-04]

Hi guys its me again.... Idk I'm not r3lapsing yet but it's really fvcking hard right now.

So at work we have this new hire who's skinny, doesnt eat a lot and is just focused on like health and sh!t. She's super nice and fun tho, like we genuinely have so much fun together but at the same time she's really really triggering to be around.

Today we went to an amusement park with a few colleagues (her included) and we went out drinking a bit afterwards as well. We got some free chips and I was planning on eating mine on the train because we both had a (btw very small) bag of them, but them she starts mentioning the c@lories and amount of fat and shit there's in them so obviously I completely lose any appetite that I had before that.

Im just really triggered and I just feel like I really want to relapse to be properly sk!nny again cuz I hate my body and I want to look like her and how I used to but I know it'll be so miserable and not worth it but at the same time i'm miserable either way so maybe it's fine because it's just a distraction from everything else?

Idk logically I know it's bad but it's just so tempting right now and I dont know how much longer I can take it, I just get so triggered every time i'm around her, but its not her fault (most of the time at least) and I just feel so bad about myself and it feels like the only solution and I just wanna crawl into a hole and fvcking rot away for the rest of my life

[lil-smol-bean-04]

I'm tired man.

The thought of having to work for literally the rest of my life makes me not even wanna live it at all cuz wtf is the point of I'll never actually be able to enjoy anything because I'll ALWAYS just have to work FOREVER....

I'm so exhausted I dont know how much longer I can do my job before i genuinely start to lose it and become su!c!dal.... It just makes me feel like nothing matters and the way customers speak to me is just a sh!t reminder that people are and always will be fvcking awful and especially to me because I look and act different than most of them so I'll never fit in either.

I have to live the rest of my life being laughed at and started at on the street just because I have dyed hair and can finally express myself freely, except it doesnt feel very free when I cant even go outside without being made insanely uncomfortable

I'm tired of everything

[lil-smol-bean-04]

Currently im eating fine and have an okay mindset about food so my posts are just rants and other sh!t that I have to deal with

[lil-smol-bean-04]

Tell me why THE FVCK this costumer today thought it was okay to yell at me and be rude as fvck because I served a person a came to the register and not her, who by the way was standing at our hot food display??? Like tf, its next to the register but it sure as fvck isn't one... For some reason she was expecting that I was gonna be taking her order even though she was VERY CLEARLY not at all by the register, where I was very obviously standing AND didn't say a word about wanting to order....

Like what the actual fvck.is your problem???!?!? She literally got mad because I served someone who came to the register and not her, who WASN'T AT THE REGISTER

[lil-smol-bean-04]

I need to be sk!nnier so I look better in cosplay

[lil-smol-bean-04]

I've b!nged for the past two days:( I'm such a fvcking disappointment, I just wanna be th!n and dainty💔

[lil-smol-bean-04]

I'm so tired of everything, it's all too much I'll never be comfortable in this world

I'm just tired and every day gets harder

[lil-smol-bean-04]

My brain is rotting more every single day I'll never be able to live a good life, there's no point