You experienced it too. I know you did ...I think you did.
You told me you loved me, you called yourself my brother. You said if we ever married and had children with other people, that you'd be the uncle to my kids and I'd be the Aunt to yours.
I said I loved you, called myself your sibling. We even shared the same birthday just one year apart. We should have been family.
When I spilled out my secrets, about how tired I felt. About how I hated being strong constantly, having to hold the weight of everything...you said you would be my Atlas. You would hold the weight of the world for me if it meant I could rest.
When you spilled yours, and I listened. Telling you it was ok. You had been defending yourself. I wanted to hold you and let you cry until you couldn't anymore. I wanted to be there and take all the pain away from you too. Like you did with me. You were scared of what your actions meant about who you were. What they made you. They made you kind and gentle. They made you considerate. You might get angry, but you never let it control you.
We dreamed of better lives for ourselves. We made plans and talked about what we would do in hypothetical scenarios. How we would be there to see each other's big milestones no matter what it took.
I hate that she kept me from you. I hate that I couldn't meet your family. I hate that I couldn't go for late night runs in the cemetery with you, even though I didn't like running. I wanted to do everything with you.
I remember the protests. The riots. How I had wanted to go to a protest in the city close by, and how you said if I went you would go with me because you wanted me to be safe. To protect me if I needed it. I remember feeling the same. I would protect you. I remember the promise we made, about never joining the military. Because you had asked me to. So I made you promise it too.
We were both just traumatized kids who needed someone to lean on. Someone to confide in. We both shared too much with each other. Desperate for acceptance. To be seen, and still loved. Especially me ..I know I made you uncomfortable with how much I would share. For that I'm sorry. I don't blame you for pulling away when you needed to. I just wish you had talked to me before closing the door, instead of leaving me there confused and so suddenly alone when I needed you most.
I am glad though. I found a somewhat peaceful and cozy little life for myself. With people I care about, even if it isn't much. That was what I needed to find. You went on to do something wonderful. I saw the posts from the college you went to, and God fucking damn it I'm so proud of you. You got to explore parts of the world you always wanted to see. And I wish I could tell you just how happy that makes me.
It's been....what? Four years now?
I still see you in things. Hear you in the songs we used to listen to together. It took me two years to be able to listen to Sabaton again without breaking down.
You aren't the perfect friend I made you out to be in my head, and I see it now. But you were MY friend. My brother. Even without limerance clouding my vision, I will miss you.
