my 4yo is weirder than your corgi

Sh*t my kid says. I'm an author, and my son's a liar. It's basically the same thing.

[littledudesays]

Float like a butterfly, sting like a wolf spider with a sharpened stick.

little dude: THE NEXT TIME I SEE A SPIDER, I'M PUNCHING IT.

sister: Dude, you can't punch a spider.

little dude: I CAN. AND HAVE.

[littledudesays]

All the birds of a feather.

her: I'm a green macaw from Rio, and my name is Emerald.

him: MOMMY, I'M A RED PIRATE FARMER HIPPO BIRD FROM RIO, AND MY NAME IS SILLYDOODLE OPTIMUS BIRDBOTTOM DINOMITE. *puts red bandana on head and throws the horns*

[littledudesays]

The gift that keeps on giving.

him: I WANT TO GO HOME AND PLAY WITH MY BALLS.

me: *laughs madly* 

him: IT'S NOT FUNNY. THEY GLOW IN THE DARK.

me: *laughs insanely* 

him: STOP LAUGHING AT ME BECAUSE I LOVE MY BOUNCY BALLS.

me: *dies laughing*

[littledudesays]

It was the first thing he opened.

MOMMY, YOU RUINED CHRISTMAS WITH YOUR JAR OF POOTS.

I'm the happiest girl in the world. <3

[littledudesays]

him: WHAT ARE YOU GETTING ME FOR CHRISTMAS?

me: A jar of poots.

him: THAT'S NOT FUNNY. YOU CAN'T EVEN DO THAT.

me: I totally can. I've been putting all my poots in a jar for the last six months, and that's what you're getting tomorrow.

him: THAT'S A LIE. YOU NEVER POOT.

me: *stares* That's what you think.

***

So guess what he's getting for Christmas tomorrow?

Mm hmm. A Poot Jar.

[littledudesays]

The day after we met Peter S. Beagle.

him: MOMMY, I CAN'T FIND THE LAST UNICORN. I LOOKED EVERYWHERE.

me: Did you look in the movie cabinet?

him: …UH, NO.

me: Go look there.

him: *five seconds later* I LOOKED IN THE MOVIE CABINET. IT'S NOT THERE.

me: Did you look by the XBOX?

him: …UH, NO.

me: Go look there.

him: *five seconds later* UGH. IT'S NOT THERE EITHER. WAIT. DO YOU THINK THE RED BULL DROVE IT INTO THE SEA? BECAUSE IT'S THE LAST UNICORN, AND THAT'S KIND OF WHAT THE RED BULL IS SUPPOSED TO DO.

me: *rummages behind XBOX* Nope Here it is.

him: OH MY GOSH. YOU ARE SOME KIND OF SCHMENDRICKER.

***

Note: Last night, we were fortunate to see a high-def showing of The Last Unicorn at our local theater and enjoy a Q&A with Peter S. Beagle. Little Dude has been a big fan of this movie since the first time he saw it and has a love/hate relationship with the Red Bull. Your heart would melt into invisible wine if you could hear him sing the theme song at the top of his lungs. It comes out I'M AWIIIIIIIIIVE I'M AWWWWWI-YI-YI-YIIIIIIIIVE!!!!

[littledudesays]

The Last Unicorn, now in citrus flavor.

him: WHY DO THEY CALL THE RED BULL THE RED BULL?

me: Because he's a bull that's red.

him: BUT HE'S FIRE, AND FIRE IS ORANGE. WHY ISN'T HE THE ORANGE BULL?

me: Well, for one thing, "the Orange Bull" doesn't sound as fierce. And for another, his fire burns red, not orange.

him: I THINK ORANGE MAKES A PRETTY GOOD BULL. HE WOULD SMELL GOODER.

me: Better. So you think that instead of the Red Bull driving the unicorns into the sea, a citrus-scented Orange Bull would be the better storytelling choice?

him: YEAH. BECAUSE ORANGE IS MORE EVIL. EVILER. THE EVILEST. EXCEPT IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN A HIPPO. A HIPPO CAN EAT A TWO-HEADED ALLIGATOR IN ONLY ONE BITE. THOSE UNICORNS WOULDN'T STAND A CHANCE! *dances around the room, singing* HIPPOOOOO BULL! GO HIPPO BULL! CHEW THE METAL! YOU'RE A ROBOT! FIRE HIPPO ROBOT BULL WILL CRUSH ALL YOUR FRIENDS!

me: So...

him: THE ROBOT FIRE HIPPO JUST REALLY LOVES UNICORNS, SO HE CHASES THE RED BULL AND KISSES ALL THE BOY UNICORNS BUT IT'S OKAY BECAUSE THEY LIKE HIM BECAUSE HE SMELLS LIKE YUMMY CLEMENTINES.

me: I love your brain.

him: WELL, I LOVE PRETZEL GOLDFISH.

[littledudesays]

Little Dude partially endorses my books. Kinda.

me: Hey, dude. What do you think about my books?

him: PRETTY GOOD. I NEVER READ THEM, THOUGH, SO I DON'T KNOW EXACTLY. DO THEY HAVE HIPPOS?

me: Nope. Although they have vampire rabbits and bloodthirsty unicorns.

him: UNICORNS CAN'T DO THAT. THEY'RE MAGIC. UNSTOPPABLE. A UNICORN IS IMPOSSIBLE TO DIE. THEY CAN'T EAT PEOPLE BECAUSE THAT'S NOT THEIR MAGIC POWER.

me: What is their magic power?

him: TO DEFEAT THE RED BULL. DON'T YOU KNOW ANYTHING?

me: Why do you think people should read my books?

him: BECAUSE THEY'RE GOOD. GOODER THAN ANY BOOK ON THE PLANET, BASICALLY, EXCEPT MY SKYLANDERS GUIDE. DID YOU WRITE THAT?

me: Sadly, no.

him: ACTUALLY, THE BEST BOOK ON THE PLANET IS… YOU.

me: Look, I'm trying to use your platform to sell some of my books for the Christmas holiday. They make fantastic gifts. People who find you amusing might enjoy my steampunk paranormal Blud series, which starts with WICKED AS THEY COME and is set in an alternative universe with Victorian goth carnivals, hot firemen in kilts, and vampire cabarets.

him: I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. BUT I LIKE YOUR BOOK WITH THE SCARY SIDEWAYS GIRL.

me: That's SERVANTS OF THE STORM, my YA horror about hurricanes, demons, and Savannah, but it's not out until August 2014.

him: THAT'S A THOUSAND YEARS AWAY.

me: I know, right? Or maybe your readers would dig my Shadowman e-novella, FOLLOW ME BOY. It's all creepy-voodoo-crazypants.

him: MAYBE INSTEAD OF WRITING THAT, YOU SHOULD WRITE A SKYLANDERS BOOK.

me: Hm. Skylanders steampunk romance? It could work.

him: PLEASE STOP TALKING ABOUT YOUR BOOKS NOW. IN CASE YOU WANT TO KNOW, I'M READING THIS ADVENTURE TIME COMIC ABOUT THINGS THAT ARE BLACK AND WHITE AND HAVE CREEPY HEARTS.

[littledudesays]

Skystinkers.

me: Dude, why are the Skylanders all lined up in the bathroom and staring at me?

him: *giggles* THEY HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU.

me: Um, why?

him: *giggles* THEY WANT YOU TO SIT ON THE PORTAL OF POWER.

me: I take it you are referring to the toilet?

him: *giggles* YEEEEEES.

me: And what happens when I sit on this "Portal of Power"?

him: I DON'T KNOW. IF YOU POOP, I THINK CHAOS SHOWS UP AND YOU HAVE TO FIGHT HIM.

me: And if I just want to wash my hands?

him: I GUESS YOU GET THE NEW POWER OF NOT HAVING STINKY HANDS. 

me: Cleanliness is not a new power.

him: IT IS FOR ME.

Exhibit A:

Because everyone loves to be stared at by tiny people while they pee.

[littledudesays]

The first rule of Cow Club is MOOOOO.

little dude: TODAY, I AM HAVING A COW MEETING.

me: Cool. What happens at the cow meeting?

little dude: WE TALK ABOUT MOOSES. AND MUSTACHES. AND CEMETERIES. BECAUSE THEY'RE A PROBLEM FOR COWS.

me: And who gets to go to the cow meeting?

little dude: UH… JUST KIDDING. THERE'S NOT A COW MEETING. I'VE PROBABLY SAID TOO MUCH.

me: Really? That's too bad. I was all excited.

little dude: *quietly* MOO.

[littledudesays]

Never hire a hippo maid.

little dude: *exits bathroom* WELL, THAT WENT GOOD.

me: Did you flush and wash your hands?

little dude: *reaches for the pretzels* YES... AND NO.

me: *snatches pretzels back* Dude, go wash your hands. With soap.

little dude: UGH. I DON'T LIKE THAT SINK. THE WATER GETS TOO HOT AND I TURN INTO LAVA.

me: Fine. Here's a squirt of soap. You know what? Take two squirts. Go upstairs and wash your hands all over. 

little dude: OKEY DOKEY! *disappears upstairs for ten minutes* *comes downstairs and throws a fork into the sink*

me: Did you fall in?

little dude: NOPE. I CLEANED THE SINK. I WAS PRETENDING I WAS A HIPPO MAID, AND I SCRUBBED IT GOOD. WITH A FORK.

me: That's all kinds of wrong. Let me see your hands.

little dude: *holds out hands covered in Aqua Fresh*

me: That's disgusting. Your hands aren't clean, dude. 

little dude: AT LEAST THEY DON'T SMELL LIKE POOP AND CHEESE.

[littledudesays]

I am Entmom.

little dude: COME HERE. I WANT A HUG.

me: Gladly. *hugs him, kisses his forehead*

little dude: YOU KNOW, WE COULDN'T DO THIS IF YOUR FACE WAS MADE OUT OF WOOD. 

[littledudesays]

On whales.

me: I love you, Cheese Face.

him: (covered in Pirate Booty cheese dust) DON'T CALL ME THAT. IT'S INSULTING. CALL ME WHALE NUMBER ONE.

me: I love you, Whale Number One.

him: I LOVE YOU, TOO, BIG MAMA NARWHAL NUMBER TWO.

[littledudesays]

Hey Little Dude, you want us to look into getting you a robot leg?

little dude: YEAH. I TOTALLY WANT A ROBOT LEG. THEN I COULD DO MORE STUFF. CUZ ROBOTS HAVE MAGIC BODY PARTS. I COULD DO MAGIC STUFF WITH A ROBOT LEG. LIKE I COULD MAKE IT TURN ME INTO A WEREWOLF. A WEREWOLF ROBOT. YEAH, THAT WOULD BE PRETTY COOL.

[littledudesays]

So, little dude, hope your leg is feeling better soon! Did you think they were going to make you into a robot in the hospital?

little dude: NO. I THOUGHT THEY WERE GOING TO BREAK MY LEG OPEN TO SEE WHAT HAPPENED. I THOUGHT THEY WERE GOING TO CUT IT OPEN LIKE THAT TIME THEY CUT OFF THE CAST. I FIGURED SOME YUCKY BONES MIGHT BE IN THERE, ALL ROTTEN AND BROKENED. AND THEN THE DOCTORS WOULD THROW THAT IN THE TRASH AND GIVE ME A ROBOT LEG. OR THEY COULD EAT THAT YUCKY STUFF INSIDE MY LEG. I DON'T KNOW WHY.

[littledudesays]

Little Dude! What are your top tips for living a happy life?

little dude: WHAT'S A TIP?

me: It's an idea to help someone improve their life.

little dude: OH. THAT'S EASY. YOU COULD POUR WATER ON SOMEBODY'S HEAD SO YOU CAN ESCAPE FROM THEM.

me: Ok. What makes you happy?

little dude: HAVING YOU AS A MOMMY, OF COURSE. WAIT. HOW OLD ARE YOU?

me: I'm very old.

little dude: THEN YOU SHOULD PROBABLY BE TALLER. THAT'S YOUR TIP.

[littledudesays]

Little dude, I want to go on a vacation. Where is a good vacation spot for robots?

little dude: THE BEACH. THE ONE THAT HAS ROBOTS. WITH ROBOT WATER.

me: What's robot water?

little dude: IT'S WATER THAT HAS ROBOT ARMS IN IT AND DOESN'T HURT THE METAL. AND IT'S ONLY FOR ROBOTS THAT BROKE THEIR ARMS AND LEGS. ANY PARTS OF THEIR BODY. IT GETS THEIR BODY PARTS BACK. SO THEY CAN FIGHT. AND DANCE.