im not a cry baby im THE cry baby

tw

[littlemisssobsateverything]

in the club bathroom thinking “you are not living an authentic self. you will devour yourself like The Greedy Python. the monster is real and it is you.”

[littlemisssobsateverything]

i don’t know if you would recognize my handwriting

[littlemisssobsateverything]

[littlemisssobsateverything]

i’ve been wearing slides around the apartment on the account of the broken glass that keeps getting stuck in my feet. all because he came over to give me back my shirt and get his sweatshirt. because he showed up scratched up from a box cutter he took to his face and wasted and i have never even seen him tipsy. we met at a halloween party and he was dressed up like kurt cobain and drinking sparkling water. but anyway the other day he drove all the way from casa grande hours later than he said he would. so i had gotten wasted myself thinking he wouldn’t show. we took the rest of his 99 shooters so he wouldn’t have any left over in the morning and so he could start working on his 30 day chip again. i broke the mirror that’s propped up on the floor while clumsily trying to take my clothes off. the morning after i sobbed after i found my own bloody footprint thinking about the night i saved hayden. and i spent all day at work favoring my right foot that had little shards of glass stabbing and reminding me that i am so lovable right up until the point that i am not.

[littlemisssobsateverything]

wake up with all the lights on and it looks like i was really tryna hurt myself

[littlemisssobsateverything]

i hate people with anxious attachment styles. like yes, i’m going to leave you. stop being so annoying ab it.

[littlemisssobsateverything]

“you could sell him “premium air” for his car tires”

[littlemisssobsateverything]

summer has been lingering in the doorway like a friend too drunk to drive home. like she doesn’t want to be alone. like she still has a cautionary tale to tell me: something about heat or intensity, some metaphor for intimacy. whatever. it’s october and im bored of symbolism.

[littlemisssobsateverything]

i just had a revelation. i have felt so much shame and guilt for years for “making myself sad”. i don’t think i’ve ever actually done that. i think i’ve compartmentalized my feelings so much more than i’ve realized and the times i was “making myself sad” were times i was allowing myself to experience my emotions.

[littlemisssobsateverything]

god the girl ithat grew up across the street from me, in my culdesac died today. you let her overdose. please let her into heaven she gave me her handme downs

[littlemisssobsateverything]

fourth of julys are one of those holidays where you spend the day thinking of all the fourth of julys that ever happened to you

[littlemisssobsateverything]

today i bought some records and i did laundry and dishes, ate a nectarine over the sink and showered, called my dad, watched some sopranos. i have good days and bad nights. days of feeling nothing and nights of feeling everything. nights of rum and blood and waking up with stomach pangs. but this is my body and my apartment and i am so pretty when i cry; it’s the most fun i’ve had in days.

[littlemisssobsateverything]

my cat is just like me! she’s vocal and annoying and lovey-dovey but stand-off-ish. she gets over-stimulated very easily and hits and bites when she’s trying to play and she appreciates routine. she’s curious but nervous. she loves ben and late nights and early mornings and having her hair brushed. i love her so much.

[littlemisssobsateverything]

you said i was sick i was sick i was sick i loved them more than you

[littlemisssobsateverything]

[littlemisssobsateverything]

i’m in bed watching game of thrones and texting my mom about the season 5 finale and eating the m&ms she gave me and a frozen pizza i made. i’m in my own apartment surrounded by all the things i’ve collected from different points in my life and i feel like a whole person. i got my christmas lights lighting up the room and it is raining really heavy and hear it hit the roof and the thunder shake the windows. the whole place is cleaned and organized because one of my oldest friends will be here tomorrow. this is a perfect moment.

[littlemisssobsateverything]

i’ve been thinning out a little which happens around this time of year when i get untethered. and tonight i got so dizzy i had to make myself ramen. and i was sorta excited about it too. i made it the way i like with an egg and hot sauce and onion and garlic powder. it wasn’t until i sat down with it that i remembered the last time i had ramen. i told him he didn’t have to make it for me cause he had finished my vodka and was getting angry but he insisted and then screamed at me the whole time he made it. slammed the cabinet door so hard the hinge broke off and and shattered my vape by throwing it at the back door. it was over a year ago and i still lost my appetite.