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Today I wish I got into a car accident and die. Unfortunately, that didn't happen and I’m too scared to crash into a random car.

I wonder if it is a good idea to die on my birthday...

Let’s make more memories and keep them in records <3

Just listening to a Wedding Medley on YouTube sang by an engaged couple. It was beautiful. I know you play the guitar well and you sing amazing too, I don’t sing as well but can we record a song together?

Oh, and have I already said that we need to take more photos and videos together?

I want to keep our journey on record because they are short but precious. I want to rewatch our interactions and see how far I have fallen.

Happy Valentine’s Day, babe.

2021 will be a better year

Today I got my BNT162b2 vaccine. It was an impulsive decision made the day before when my indifferent mind had decided that she will pull her full trust in the scientists who have worked so hard on this and maybe it is that one step closer to a normal life again.

What I truly want in 2021 is to be able to set a date and have a tangible countdown of when I will get to see and touch my partner, and my family again.

Goodbye 2020, you have been a rough ride.

Night Changes

I want to slow dance with you to Night Changes (TikTok remix). In the dark, with no words but only our bodies communicating to each other and cherishing every single moment with you, my love.

Describe my smell.

“You smell like shampoo......like a pleasant breeze.......that’s like home......and that smells natural too.....”

That’s a pretty wonderful description of my smell, baby.

Your tears broke my heart

I know I always cry when I miss you and that’s totally normal for me because I feel emotions strongly and I usually express it by crying. I try not to cry in front of you because I don’t want you to be worried or upset but sometimes a tear or two rolls down uncontrollably.

Especially when we talk about the uncertainty of when we will next see each other. That always gets to me.

Today you video called me. I was surprised because we literally called yesterday for like half a day and your exams are coming up. But of course, I always welcome your call, most of the time.

We were talking about us, and an approximate time that I will come back to you, permanently. I answered that I would want to come back to you probably just before or around the time his working hours become less hectic. You were surprised by the time frame.

During the call, I noticed a tear roll down sideways onto your nose. You quickly turned away. My heart broke into a million pieces. I really wanted to cry at that moment. I am so sorry I couldn’t be there to hold you when you miss me.

That repeated itself three times.

This was the first time I saw him cry. This was also the day we officiated our broke up many years ago.

Although I felt special, I felt very heart broken. Seeing my man’s tears killed me inside. It must have been quite painful for him at that moment, maybe. I know that whenever I cry when I miss him, I feel physical pain at my chest.

Can I love you physically already?

Why do I always have to be the one who’s far away from you?

I can’t wait to love you, baby.

1y 1m into this LDR

Me: Babe, do you think we would’ve progressed much faster if we were both physically in the same place?

Him: Yeah, definitely.

Me: How so?

Him: We’ll probably have a kid by now. *laughs*

Me: *laughs*

It was definitely a joke that’s worth keeping. I adore him and it hurts my heart that I won’t be able to touch him for another few months.

Appreciation for the art of Yoga

In this difficult time and time of self isolation, I decided to take up a 30-day yoga challenge as a way to switch things up and challenge myself physically and to develop another self-care aspect of my morning routine.

Just an overview of my usual exercise routine - I have been doing home workouts, usually strength training, consistently for the past 2 years and have just recently invested in resistance bands and free weights to take my own training to another level. Flexibility is never my forte and neither is patience, or physical activity in the morning as a matter of fact. However, I would like to devote this 30-days to change it up and try something different and see how it goes.

Today was day 7 of yoga practice with Adrienne and new thoughts budding in my mind during the morning practice. I shall start calling this practice my ‘playtime’ (as how Adrienne calls it) to make it sound fun, carefree but sensual and maybe even slightly erotic at the same time.

I find myself beginning to enjoy the slow pace of yoga and it felt really amazing as a kickstart to my morning before breakfast.Feeling my palms and feet planted to the floor and listening and thinking about my breathing patterns were never something I consciously think about. This playtime has enabled me to slow down, focus on myself, my environment and overall feel more feminine and in tune with my body. It feels really sensual and empowering at the same time.

This is a huge contrast to my usual workouts where I just go boom-boom-boom and smash the workout - focusing on my form, my muscle contractions, working myself out to a sweat and feel the lactic acid build up. It goes by really quick and I never really think about where my body parts are. Never did I even think about my breathing until I am panting, out of breath and dying from a great workout. This was exactly what I love about my workouts - quick, challenging, straight to the point and pushing my body to her limits.

Now I have founded a new fire for yoga. It’s funny how much it contrasts to my usual training in every way except for the fact that it is definitely challenging. I am excited for the next 3 weeks as I embark further on this journey to self-love and I hope that I can incorporate this playtime into my life even after this 30-day challenge. I have also set a goal for myself - I would love to eventually master the Bakasana or Crow pose. Currently, I am not even close to lifting my feet up for even a split second. But that is fine because it is playtime and I will take it at my own pace and be kind to myself and enjoy the process.

Yoga, for me, encompasses the physical act of self-love and self-nurture and I really love that it gives me a whole new perspective of how I can feel about myself while working on my fitness.

You are more than just a future boyfriend

I don’t know what has happened since August 17th of year 2019 but since then you have became such a best friend to me, in addition to a partner.

After each subsequent video call, I can feel the ease of conversations between us, ranging from the most mundane day-to-day occurrences to our future then somehow to the most bizarre things (reference to corny poos).

You always make me feel listened to. Always. When I talk about my feelings especially some that I believe should be kept inside (because they are silly) and apologise about them, you listen to them and validate them. “You are not being silly, you are talking about this because it means something to you.”

Because of such a great listener you are, I have began to share even more about myself and thoughts, which are normally better kept to myself. You are my best friend. I trust you so much, you know that?

Although I am grateful about how much you mean to me at this point, the self-defence aspect of me is getting scared and want to retreat to a phase where we were less open with each other. But what’s the fun in a relationship if both parties are not vulnerable with each other? If being safe my whole life is fun, then I guess I can do that and not surrender to someone else. But I want to surrender to someone else and feel safe at the same time. Am I asking for too much?

Whenever I watch you fall asleep through, I really wish you were right beside me so I can kiss your forehead and keep you close to me. You look so peaceful when you sleep. Can I just keep you for a long long time?

I am usually indifferent or confident about my physical appearance when I am single because I don’t got no one to impress but now that we are in this together, I have been feeling quite insecure in my head. Like, I need to look this certain way to please you, and feeling apologetic that my chest/peaches are too flat - but you never ever make me feel that way. Ever. You make me feel really pretty.

I love it when you sing to me. You have such a beautiful soothing voice. Can I lie on your lap while you serenade me with your guitar? That would make me feel so loved. How would you like me to love you, babe?

I love it when we are speaking over each other and not really listening to each other properly (because I can get too caught up in my opinions in) and you can just silence me by saying “Babe, babe, listen”. I immediately calm down and look you in the eyes, and listen. I like it when you call me baby.

I know due to circumstances we may not be able to go to Greece together this year but you promised snuggles so I will be looking forward to them <3

I’ll let you go...have breakfast!

After a 2-hour long video call (past midnight for me; early morning for him), I decided it’s time for him to get some breakfast.

Me: Okay, I won’t keep you any longer, I’ll let you go.

Him: Don’t say that.

Me: Okay I’m just going to let you go for breakfast.

Made me feel so warm and fuzzy inside <3

Merry Christmas 2019!

Even if I am mad at you, I will love you

I will still give you a kiss on the cheek before I walk out the door in the morning.

Let’s try our best to never go to sleep angry at each other <3

Our Love Languages

U N I

1. Quality time 2. Physical touch 3. Acts of service 4. Receiving gifts 5. Words of affirmation

1. Acts of service 2. Quality time 3. Physical touch 4. Words of affirmation 5. Receiving gifts

You told me you have wanted to bring up this conversation when we are more than “friends” but I guess I was one step ahead.

Thank you for hearing me out, my love

Please don’t give up on me.

Please stay strong when I am weak.

I promise to stay strong for us when you feel doubtful too.

Please stay strong for us.

Please don’t give up on me, on us.

I think I am actually falling for you. I cried last night because I missed you. I cried because I realised that I really liked you. And I cried because I am worried that you may have made the wrong choice because loving me and staying with me will be a difficult journey and I don’t want to hurt you again. I cried because I am scared of hurting again.

My tears fell when I talked on the phone with you, when you sang for me, when you said “I miss you” and when I said “I miss you too”. You said that my voice sounded sad and I am sorry that it had made you upset that you couldn’t be here with me. I am sorry that I appeared weak and vulnerable last night and made you feel that you might be a burden in my life.

I am sorry that I felt really afraid to have told you how much I missed you because I am scared that it will push you away. I guess I am still terrified of being completely vulnerable to someone. I hate it when I give someone a capacity to hurt me but what is love and trust if I couldn’t do that?

As weird as it sounds, when you expressed how much you want me, I actually felt the urge to protect you with all my heart and to like/love you for a long time. I hope you feel the same for me. Very frequently, I replay that moment in the car when you told me “I still want you” and it hurts my heart to know that you feel that way towards me.

Please don’t give up on me. Please be there for me. Please show me that you love me and that I can love you back and give myself to you safely.

I really want to love you fully. Just show me that the deeper I fall, the more you will protect the love we are building together.

One day I will be sure of us

It took me weeks of being self aware of the emotions that you ignited in me. Just 5 days over a period of 2 months, I’m yours (in my mind). I liked you enough to be vulnerable about my emotions. Enough to have expressed how much you made me feel in such a short period of time and how frustrated these feelings got me. How I have not felt this way in the past 5 years and made me feeling unsure of how to process these feelings. From the way you treated me, looked at me, I was (almost) sure you felt the same way.

The moment you held my hands tenderly as I was undressing my heart for you really touched me deeply. I didn’t know I needed that touch until you gave it to me. When you undressed your heart and told me how you felt over the years we separated, I felt it deeply too. It was the most intimate conversation I have ever had with anyone for the past 22 years of my life. How could we share so much, be so vulnerable, so trusting towards one another? It was such a bizarre phenomenon that I have not experienced before and I needed time before I dive into this.

Although I like you enough, I cautiously made a decision not to start a relationship with you, at this moment in time. I am hoping it will happen in time.

Perhaps, I may have just been selfish to have let it all out. Maybe I did not want to suffer alone while bottling up these intense, but positive emotions that I have not felt for a long time. Perhaps I just needed to let you know how I really felt before I leave you for a period of time. Perhaps I needed clarity and a solution and to hear that you like me too. Perhaps it’s a combination of all of the above.

I am unsure of starting a relationship with you. Because we had history, I need time to tell me if I am just feeling this way because of what we had, or because I really do actually like the person you are now.

I am very lucky that you are supportive of my decision as we talked it out. We have been acting like a couple even before our feelings were shared and even now. We decided to date each other exclusively and both agreed that a ‘relationship’ is nothing but a label as we will be treating each other the same way as we do now.

So for now, let’s stay “friends”.

“There is no perfect. There will always be struggle. You just have to pick who you want to struggle with.”

I pick you. And I want to pick you for a long long time.

A Hug That Says ‘I Care For You Deeply, and I Miss You, and I Love You’

After having dinner, he drove me home and I really want a hug so I got out of the car, gave his driver’s window a knock and asked for one.

He playfully rejected at first but got out of the car anyway to fulfil my request.

I walked towards him and wrapped my arms around his mid back. He reciprocated with a tight, squeeze hug that took my breath away. It was really unexpected. I rested my head on his chest. Both of us felt each other’s warmth and heartbeat. I didn’t manage to close my eyes as I was surprised by his strength of embrace but thinking back I wish I had. At that moment I just wished that we were lying down in bed because I could just fall asleep then and there, feeling safe and warm and comforted. It went on for about 4-5 seconds. Definitely not long enough but long enough for now.

Am I exaggerating if I said I felt his ‘I love you’ from the hug?

Am I just thinking too much? I might be.

Regardless, it was the best hug that I have ever received.

Is it too much to wish that I could get more of these in the future?

260619

The day I met up with a long lost friend of 6 years

We were close and we dated for about 1.5 years and then I broke it off because long distance isn’t sustainable for me. I was at a young age of 16/17 then.

Now I am a ripe 22 and decided to recontact my old friends and so I approached him. We texted back and forth for a few weeks before deciding to meet for coffee.

During the entire time I had my outgoing side and we bantered quite a bit. It was really fun and reminded me of the good old days. We were smiling and laughing constantly and the chemistry was definitely there.

I asked myself.. Why didn’t I keep on contact with him? Why didn’t I contact him earlier? Why didn’t he reach out for me? But why would he reach out to someone who had hurt him?

That day we spent a total of 7-8 hours in just each others’ company. There were few silences but when they were present, I could feel the tension in the air. It may be one sided but it was a good thing we weren’t physically close and none of us made physical contact.

He seemed to remember many details of things we spoken about long ago.

He seemed to really care about what I am saying from the way he leaned towards me when I spoke.

He seemed to really care about my well being at the moment, whether I’m feeling too hot or the food isn’t palatable enough.

He seemed to just be making a lot of good strong eye contact which was reciprocated by myself. His eyes were as amazing as they were and definitely showed interest or at least content.

He asked if I would like to buy some food for my parents which was definitely very sweet of him.

He offered to pay and offered to drive me home.

I definitely got thrown off by all these interactions but I never encountered him interacting with another person so I couldn’t conclude that he was interested.

We got to know each others’ university lives and I got reminded of how kind and generous of a soul he is, as he always was.

It was really great time. All we exchanged was words and laughter without any physical touch but the high school girl’s heart in me arose and started fluttering again in a very long time. How could this had happened? I think I lost a night’s worth of sleep because my heart wouldn’t settle. It was definitely rough the next day but I was happy I met him again.

I am confused as to how I am supposed to act on these feelings because I don’t wanna hurt us through LDR again. Or he may not even be interested in me in that way at all.

Regardless, we made clear that we were both single but we indirectly exchanged that we may be at the point in our lives when romantic relationships aren’t a priority.

From this meeting, I noticed my change from how I was previously as a teenage girl who got into her first serious relationship. Back then I was shy and embarrassed about dating someone. Now, I believe that I am entitled to make my own choices and go after what I want. I am a big girl now, my decisions will bear consequences for which I am responsible for.

Thank you for being so open to seeing me again. Until next time.

It doesn’t matter what others do, it matters what YOU do

I shall not let myself be carried away by numbers nor shall I let the competitive side of me take over.

I will continue what I have been doing, taking my time and adjusting my life. No deficit, no deprivation, no restriction, just enjoy the process and get stronger.

It doesn’t matter what others are doing. They have a different end goal and a shorter time frame. You do you.

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