The letters
This may be the longest letter that Iāll be doing for you, @allthesmalltigs And I am not sure if youāll be reading this; but just a disclaimer, these are the things I want to say to you (kindly see dates in parentheses for reference).
For now I canāt collate all the words I need to say to you (thatās why this will be uploaded in one big tumblr entry). Please bear with the continuous editing Iāll be doing for the next daysā¦weeksā¦or monthsā¦until I pour out my feelings for you. You donāt need to do reply to this. I just need to vent my emotions since I donāt have Twitter anymore.
(04052017)
We had a good 11-month (and 2 weeks to be exact) run. I may not have accepted things right away but eventually I will. Hey youāre right. Knowing that youāve deleted our photos on Instagram connotes that you want to cut / forget all memories of being together [I think and assume]. That part I understand. It just sucks on my side because I still have feelings for you. You are the person I miss talking to, but I need to accept the fact that we are not together anymoreā¦and you need the tantamount space just to forget your feelings [or even memories] for me as well. I get that. Youāre right with not talking to me is the biggest move you can do just to move on from the relationship we have. Youāre right re what I am feeling right now. I know I am responsible with all the emotions I am experiencing right now, but you canāt blame me for choosing to love you at the start. I guess being friends would not be as soon as I was expecting.Ā
(04062017)
Hey, so I just got disturbed with your latest post on Facebook. To be honest, I check your profile from time to time to see if you have already replaced me. Why I got disturbed? Well, you donāt usually post on Facebook and tagging someoneā¦only one and sheās a woman. So I assume that sheās your new? Even though another part of me is giving you the benefit of the doubt, I have a gut feeling youāre seeing someone already. Screw this process Iām experiencing. I chose to undergo this process again because itās what I did before with Art. Fuck this feeling. It really sucks. I find it disappointing from time to time whenever I remember your reasons on why you broke with me. It stings you know that? I find myself angry whenever I remember you in every happy situation I am in. Istorbo ka. The part you left me hanging because of your reasoning is just ugh. I donāt know what word I can replace withĀ āughā. The last texts you sent me left me hanging. You were angry at me because you thought I blocked you from Twitter. I unfollowed you at first but I eventually thought of deleting my account. And voila! I canāt retrieve my Twitter anymore because it was deleted permanently. I was irritated on how you reply to my tweets indirectly thatās why I unfollowed you at first.Then again, I thought of deactivating it because of the temptation to read your tweets. You made your account private and even changed the name of your account so there is no way I can read them. But I read your response to one of your crushes using Merylās twitter. You made it a joke that you need someone who will not leave you. Srsly? You were the one who left me. I bargained when you were breaking up because it can still be fixed. But you made your decision and I respect that. The last texts you sent, the deletion of our photos on your IG, and your indirect tweets did not by any chance showed any respect on my side. I had to blurt these all out. But I donāt have a chance to talk to you anymore because you choose not to. I hope that someday you may realize that all I need from you is a sincere apology of what you made me feel. (to be continued)
(04072017)
I sent you a message of Messenger this morning; and to my expectation, you didnāt reply. I had to send that message because that is what I am feeling until now. These past weeks itās either I am angry at you or sad, and to some extent both. But this morning, all I was feeling was the love I have given to you for past year (including the courting months). Yes I still love you but I guess it wouldnāt be reciprocated like before. Again thank you for making me love you after what Art did to me. I didnāt know I was capable of loving again after what Iāve gone through. Now, I need to divert my thoughts from you and focus on loving myself more. I have a bucketful of love in me thatās why I made a decision last year February 13 to make you feel that love. It was a decisionā a risk I was willing to take. I can say that I have shown you the selfless kind of love, but Iām not sure if thatās what you have perceived. No two loves will ever be the same. My love for you is different from my exes or from the people I love and have loved. Have you seen the post I shared on Facebook? I was indirectly talking to you, but I guess you just brushed it off because you chose not to care anymore. I understand that. I know you wanted to move on quickly (I suppose). But thatās you. On my part, I just want to undergo this whole process until I am healed by time and by Him. Can I tell you another thing? Kanina when I woke up, a tear dropped from my left eye because I remembered you. I was feeling the love I have for you and then I compose the message I sent you. I was not feeling any hatred nor sadness. I was only feeling the love I have for you. Can I still love you from afar? Just like what I did with my past relationships. Donāt worry I wonāt be bugging you or anything. I will just keep the good memories we had. I wonāt delete or photos together on Instagram because what we had was real. It wasnāt a kind of relationship I took for granted or disregarded. Nagkataon lang na you were the only one I have photos with thatās why you didnāt see any photos of me and my other exes on Instagram. Donāt worry, I wonāt make my next relationship feel that he should jealous of you because of the photos. You know I didnāt make you feel jealous of my guy friends or the guys I have dated before, so I will be doing the same with the next. Just so you know, I am not seeing anyone lately. I have no intention of dating anyone soon or be in a romantic relationship with. I have decided to love myself more until I get better.āto enjoy what the Universe has to offer me, to experience all the love God has for me, and to be ready for the next guy I can share my life with again. Thank you dear. āTil we meet again.Ā
(04112017)
Itās my second day of fasting from my social media accounts today. I havenāt gone over your FB and Instagram profiles so I guess that a yey from my side. Itās hard. Itās also tempting to take a glimpse of what youāre thinking or doing lately. I still miss you but I am not sure if itās you who I miss or the idea of you before we broke up. Itās crazy thinking what I really feel for you. Every time I think about the good memories we had, I always make a decision not to care for you anymore. I always make a decision that the memories we created will remain as memories to be kept in my treasure box. I cherish you my dear. I still do but you donāt want it anymore. You donāt want me to be part of your life anymore (I guess). I need to remove the care I have for you. I am loving you from afar. I canāt hate you because thatās not me. Thatās not how I view people who left me. I cannot understand now the real reason behind this event, but in the long run God will reveal it to me. Maybe I can get hurt even more if I know the real reason now but it still stirs up my curiosity. Maybe youāre still in love with your best friend? I donāt know. I could never know. Iām jealous of her now because she gets to talk to you; while I am here being just a stranger to you after all the time we spent together and the stories we shared. Itās kind of unfair on my part because things go wrong every time I give a part of me to a person I love and then leaves me or sees me invisible or worst never existed. Recently I have been reading chapters in the Book of Proverbs. I have found out that wisdom needs understanding. I havenāt fully grasped and accepted the real reason why we are not together anymore, but please do know that I am doing my best not to care for you anymoreā¦just like what doing right now.Ā
(04122017)
Youāre online on Messenger, and I saw my last message to you. It still remainedĀ āseenā. I read it again. I got to have it to myself, I did compose it rightā¦almost error-free. It only lacks the wordĀ āotherā. I am curious do you still look at my profiles in Facebook or Instagram? I have a hunch that itās a yes? Itās just an assumption and more likely you wouldnāt answer my question. You do not talk to me anymore. I just see you through your posts in which I need to stop. I unfollowed you on Facebook so that I donāt get to see you latest updates. Though I find myself funny doing that because I still go to your profile and see your posts. Have you seen your posts that Iāve liked? I would be positive that yes you see them. Just to clarify, I unfollowed you on Facebook but I am still your Facebook friend. Maybe thatās what we are now? Friends via Facebook, but in reality maybe just mere strangers. From lovers turned into strangers. I did not choose this. I still blame you for choosing this silent treatment weāre having. The constant brush-offs. But in one angle, youāre right. Giving me this space is making me see how small things make me happy long before God introduced you in my life. It gave me more time to find lasting happiness I need. I am still finding it though. I am making myself happy. Oh yeah, after we broke up I started reading books againā¦well encouraging ones. I recently finished a book by Regina Brett titled,Ā āGod Never Blinksā. Itās a good book. It made me feel and see God in many ways I never thought He would be in. If we become friends again, I can lend you the book and maybe youāll see the goodness the universe can offer you. The book I mentioned was the last thing I read the night before the morning I sent you my thank you text. Every time I think about us, I always veer away from the feeling of loneliness or depression caused by abandonment. Yes I felt abandoned after you left me just like thatā¦just like a book in the shelf waiting to be read. This may sound weird but thank you for continuing to make the decision to brush me off from your life or not to reply to my last message on Messenger. I am still in the midst of finding happiness for myself and make it stay in my life. Before you came in my life, I learned how to be happy with the small things in my life. When we broke up, hatred covered my heart but there were amazing events happening. Every time I am reminded of the pain of a disappointment and abandonment, small and happy circumstances keep on coming in my life (i.e. thank you messages from my managers and the consultants I provide admin support to, free food from my new friends in the EA team, or the last slot in the jeepney so I wonāt be late). GalingĀ āno? I just realized it as soon as my heart is transforming into a more durable and wiser oneā¦as soon as love and hope are trying to cover it again. In time, peace will also join the two. I am still praying to God that in time I will have the heart to forgive you even though you are not asking me to. I still love you but I need to love myself more and seek Godās wisdom to every circumstance I encounter, encountering, and will encounter. I pray that youāll get wisdom from God as well in whatever state you are in right now.
050317
I guess you have noticed that I have already unfriended you on Facebook. Donāt worry on Instagram Iāll be hibernating as soon as I finish my #100ThankU project. I saw your girl you know. Someone told me. I was hurt because you did lie to me. You didnāt tell me that you wanted to leave because I was not enough for you. I guess I would not be asking for your apology soon because you are too proud of yourself. Oh you boys. Sorry but youāre still not a man at this stage. Want to know the real reason behind unfriending you? You remind me that I am worthless. You didnāt see my potential. You only saw that I am weak. My dear you have unleashed the bitch part of me. You belittled me. You didnāt respect me as a woman for crying out loud. You disrespected me like how you disrespect your sister behind her back. I have loved you before, but itās time to un-love you because you are pushing me away as if I never existed in your life. I am infuriated with the feelings I have for you. Ugh how stupid of me. But no worries, youāve made me unleashed my potential to be more matured and also wiser. Thank you though for making me see the real you. The part of you that you told me before. I have accepted it before, but now I canāt because you chose to leave and forget all the memories we hadā¦that includes me. So I guess this is goodbye. I wish you well. If we bumped into each other, I hope youāre already worthy of my attention. (to be continued if there is still something to continue)
