LOvE, Mel

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Claire 's drawing of herself. #sweetClaire

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Baking Mexican wedding cookies from scratch #evanthebaker

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8th grade locker expert #myheart (at STEM Launch)

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#pumpkinpancakes

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Mom can you see me? Yes I can. No you can't! Mom can you hear me? Yes I can. No you can't! Hehehe

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Hypogammaglobulinanemia

Trying not to break.

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Exerpt from “The woman who stole my life” by Marian Keyes

I cried when I read this.

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Happy 12th Birthday 🎂 Evan!!!

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#bigbrotherlovesme

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The Sick

I’m sick. It’s not the kind of sick that is permanently disabling it even a visible kind of sick. You look at me and probably don’t realize that I’m sick. At best, my condition is complicated and at worse it’s deadly. If managed well it can be fine. I got sick right after I had Claire and I try took nearly a year to diagnose. I still can’t believe that I was on the verge of death! I had never heard of “Wegener’s Disease” before and I barely knew what an autoimmune disease was. I nodded and asked questions, but it was still hard to understand what the doctors were telling me. I don’t remember much of my first 11 days in the hospital, but I remember missing my kids so much. I got better, but didn’t realize that the treatment and the disease could cause so much damage. Now, 4 years later I’m sick again. Not the sick where I look sick all the time, but the sick where it’s a victory to get out of bed, work all day and get home exhausted. I’ve developed a medical vocabulary and an interest in medicine I never had before. I try not to be scared of the future; I’m optimistic and hopeful that I will be here long enough.

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Happy Easter!

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Riding all by herself

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Sometimes you just run out of soap....

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Decisions

One thing I learned was to make a decision and stick to it. Bouncing from one thing to the next won’t always get your what you want. Not all decisions are easy. Things change; people change and you want things to be easy, but they’re not. 

Here is my difficult decision; here is the thing I struggle with the most: Is it time? Is our time up? Is it over and has it been over? One part of me says, “forget it” it’s over and there is nothing to save, but another part of me says: “follow through with your decision.” I still see good, but I see so much pain. Don’t I deserve better? Don’t you?  Can trust ever be gained back?

I don’t know how long I have left here. Should I spend my days miserable and being something and someone I’m not? Hiding away who I am and what I want because I’m following through with my decision? It’s selfish, I know, however, my life may be shorter than what I had expected. I may not see any of my kids graduate from high school or college. I may never get to pick out a wedding dress with my daughter. These things make me sad; no, they kill me and I don’t want to add to the list of things that may kill me. 

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The Me

I had brown hair, thick ringlets and walked when I was 9 months old. I want my kids to know me. Not the woman they grew up with, but the me that became the me that I am. 

I remember my childhood in terms of where I was. My dad was an entrepreneur and was flipping houses before flipping houses was a term, but before that he owned grocery stores. 

I was born in San Jose, California, you should know when my birthday is!  I don't remember our first home there, but I did make my parents show me when I was a teenager because I'm sentimental like that. The first house I actually remember is a town home in San Francisco. I tried to map it, but I can't pin point it at this point. Anyway, it was 2 levels with a garage on the first level and the home above it. I remember we had to climb up one set of stairs to get to the porch and then climb up another set of stairs once inside. It may have been 3 stories, but I just remember the dark entry way. I also remember my mom brushing my hair and me crying. My dad got so fed up with my crying, or maybe he felt bad that I was hurting, that he took me to get my hair cut to my chin. This would be the reason why I have absolutely nothing against little girls and women having short hair. 

I think that around this time they owned the first store in San Francisco. it was very small, probably what you would call a "Bodega." I wasn't even old enough to go to school yet so I hung out all day at the store with my parents. My mom would make me a "tendidito" in the back where I could sit comfortably and play and nap. I have ALWAYS loved to nap! A memory my parents would remind me about is that we had two cats, one which was very shy and the other who was very willing to take all kinds of abuse from me. I'm sorry! I don't remember! 

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8

Yesterday you turned 8. I have never met another boy as alive as you. You feel with your whole heart and your whole body. You love and cry with everything you have. You are very, very special and I'm glad you are in my life. I wish I could give you the world without spoiling you too much.