tw// describes sensations of a panic attack, read at your own risk.
A/N: This is something i recently passed in my writing subject. It's just me narrating what it feels in my shoes.
I walked up to the nearest bench I could find and sat. It was a Thursday afternoon and people were starting to fill up the train station, busy hours began around that time and I was lucky enough to find a waiting bench. Is it weird how any place could be so quiet despite of how noisy it could get? People were minding their own, chatting with each other, kiosk owners are shouting out whatever they had to offer, train wheels from different lines screeched against the metal bogies. It was usually noisy. It does not calm down. Today was an exception, at least for me.
I wondered if I was the only one feeling this way. I could hear everything, but everything sounded so quietly. Though, there was something I could hear faintly, they were there again. My train of thoughts. I laughed at how ironic it is that I am in a real train station. Opposite from what’s happening outside, the noise inside of me was faint but loud. I could hear it screech against my system, from my head to my throat. It drowned me. From there it stopped, as if it was its first stop. Unlike real-life, I couldn’t predict where the next stop is whenever it arrives my throat. What I know is this train is something no one could halt, not even me. But it halts me from whatever I was doing. I looked around uneasily and hoped I could just breathe this train out of my mouth, or at least, lose it with distraction.
The first thing I thought was to observe other people, but it seemed to fuel it more. Questions started flooding into me, “Am I alone feeling this way?”; “Could I tell them apart?”; “Could they tell me apart?”. It seemingly pushed the train in my belly, it pained me in ways I couldn’t escape, but it drove me even more desperate to get it lost.
I snapped back to reality by hearing the real train afar. It was supposed to come to the opposite lane and it sounded painfully loud, it was so far yet the sound felt like it was roaring in my head, the other train inside of me must’ve thought it was a good decision to split separate ways into my body. I felt it through my fingers, my limbs, my eyes. Especially my eyes. It felt heavy, it felt even more desperate for an escape. The next thing I know I could feel tears stream down my face. What’s weird is I can never point out where all of this started. I sure knew it was in my head, but what exactly in it? I couldn’t tell what the main fuel was and with that, I couldn’t reach out for anything that could diffuse it.
I breathed in and breathed out. They told me it was a way to grasp back to reality. I breathed in and out as if it was my only choice. Maybe it was my only choice or maybe I was desperate to grasp back to reality. I counted one to ten. By the number eight, from afar, I could hear the real train I was waiting for. I stood up and breathed my last. I walked straight. I can do it. I knew I would reach my destination. I stopped and shut my eyes close. For a while I felt something inside of me shut down, it made everything quiet, this time I really couldn’t hear anything. I walk straight without thinking. I opened my eyes, and that’s where I lost my train of thoughts.
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