Hereâs the thing. Men in our culture have been socialized to believe that their opinions on womenâs appearance matter a lot. Not all men buy into this, of course, but many do. Some seem incapable of entertaining the notion that not everything women do with their appearance is for men to look at. This is why menâs response to women discussing stifling beauty norms is so often something like âBut I actually like small boobs!â and âBut I actually like my women on the heavier side, if you know what I mean!â They donât realize that their individual opinion on womenâs appearance doesnât matter in this context, and that while it might be reassuring for some women to know that there are indeed men who find them fuckable, thatâs not the point of the discussion.
Women, too, have been socialized to believe that the ultimate arbiters of their appearance are men, that anything they do with their appearance is or should be âfor men.â Thatâs why womenâs magazines trip over themselves to offer up advice on âwhat he wants to see you wearingâ and âwhat men think of these current fashion trendsâ and âwow him with these new hairstyles.â While women can and do judge each otherâs appearance harshly, many of us grew up being told by mothers, sisters, and female strangers that weâll never âget a manâ or âkeep a manâ unless we do X or lose some fat from Y, unless we moisturize//trim/shave/push up/hide/show/âflatterâ/paint/dye/exfoliate/pierce/surgically alter this or that.
Thatâs also why when a woman wears revealing clothes, itâs okay, in our society, to assume that sheâs âlooking for attentionâ or that sheâs a slut and wants to sleep with a bunch of guys. Because why else would a woman wear revealing clothes if not for the benefit of men and to communicate her sexual availability to them, right? It canât possibly have anything to do with the fact that itâs hot out or itâs more comfortable or she likes how she looks in it or everything else is in the laundry or she wants to get a tan or maybe she likes women and wants attention from them, not from men?
The result of all this is that many men, even kind and well-meaning men, believe, however subconsciously, that womenâs bodies are for them. They are for them to look at, for them to pass judgment on, for them to bless with a compliment if they deign to do so. They are not for women to enjoy, take pride in, love, accept, explore, show off, or hide as they please. They are for men and their pleasure.
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