Kat

[lunarkat87]

It's official. I gave dating another try and failed to connect with anyone... it's just not worth my time, energy, or sanity anymore. Not even the one who was so blatantly desperate for a girlfriend wanted me. They can see how damaged I truly am inside, and besides my body, they don't want ME. Hell, I still don't even want me... i know i know. The bullshit: you can't love someone until you love yourself. Fucking trash idea. My friends suggest I date older men, but I just can't bring myself to give up anymore time on this idea that my "special someone" is out there. I've got to become the nurse I always wanted to be, buy my house, give myself everything I'll ever need. So fuck "love," if it even exists. After all, once I'm making money in my desired professiom: I'll be happy right? ....right? Not likely.... while it will solve a lot of my stressors.... I'll still be the broken, damaged girl that nobody wants...

[lunarkat87]

You ever find that person that's like... the unicorn, they check all the boxes, do everything, say everything right. And they still end up leaving you cuz youre too fucking damaged and broken to be loved?

[lunarkat87]

When will I feel like I'm enough? Like the love I have to offer will be valued and appreciated. When will I feel like I'm not giving my love to the wrong people? I'm just so tired of.... I don't know what... i don't want to say a waste of time... because in a way they are lessons to learn... but in a way I feel like valuable time, energy, and love was stolen from me. But I don't know how to NOT love and give so much when it comes to relationships. I hate it. What is out there for me? I'm 30 years old, with absolutely no relationship in sight for many years to come... and by then the people that are left have had their hearts and spirits so broken and twisted by loving the wrong people, that we all just give up and settle for whatever we can find. Just so we aren't alone. I'd rather be alone....

Talking to my sister, she and I both keep arriving at the conclusion that our family must be cursed, at least the women are. My biological mothers mom has been alone for a long time, finding promising love every now and again, but it being ruined in some manner. Her last husband died of cancer. The one before that a wife/child beater and alcoholic. The one before that, her first love, died in Vietnam. My biological mother... always jumped from relationship to relationship, albeit often because she went for those who had something to offer her, but ultimately she settled for a guy that had a multitude of issues. My sister bouncing back and forth with the same father of her children, with long periods of interruption due to infidelity. A true, happy and great love seems so.... out of reach... and I hold absolutely no hope to ever see such a thing in my life.

I'm tired of the pain, of the suffering and heartache. I JUST WANT SOMETHING STABLE AND HAPPY. For once in my gods damned life. Why dont I protect myself better? Why do I throw so much love at people who don't care what happens to me? Am I so desperate for love that I show how much I have to give, in the hopes that I'll get some back? This world has beaten me down, and I don't want to get up again.

[lunarkat87]

I refuse to let it happen again. Forever protecting what little is left of my heart.

[lunarkat87]

I'm the "dime a dozen" kind of girl. So easy to find, and so easy to replace.

[lunarkat87]

[lunarkat87]

I never should have called

'Cause I knew you would leave me

But I didn't think you could do it so easily

I never should have held your hand

On that cold rainy night

'Cause, further along, it would cause another fight

Stranger, that's all I see

When I look into your eyes

A soulmate who wasn't meant to be

Stranger, who knows all my secrets

Can pull me apart and break my heart

A soulmate who wasn't meant to be

I never should have kissed

Kissed your hand

I am under your control

I will never understand

I never should have said

"I love you"

You never said it back

So why do I still care for you?

--A Soulmate Who Wasn't meant to Be By Jess Benko

[lunarkat87]

I know it's cruel

But I kind of hope you're tortured too

Tell me, does your heart stop at the party when my name drops?

Like you're stood at the platform when the trains cross

Are you hurting, yeah you must be

Or is it just me?

Tongue-tied, screaming on the inside

When I say that we broke up and they ask why

Are you crying in the shower like a freak?

Or is it just me?

Is it Just Me? By Emily Burns

[lunarkat87]

When you lay down at night

I hope you sleep alright

Cause you said this, then did that

Took my heart, gave it back

So, how do you expect me to

Be happy for you?

Never saw the good in bye

So I will never tell that lie

If you're getting out, I'll drive, yeah

Maybe you could "find yourself"

Better with someone else

Glad that I could be some help

--I Wasn't Enough for You by Hollyn

[lunarkat87]

Well, I never want to see you unhappy

I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover

Goodbye, my hopeless dream

I'm trying not to think about you

Can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

Should've known you'd bring me heartache

Almost lovers always do

--Almost Lover by Alison Sudol

[lunarkat87]

Source: unknown

[lunarkat87]

If my next relationship isn't like Jim and Pam from The Office, with a bit of domination thrown in there, then I don't want it. Girl of Chaos over here needs to be shown some love, and then shown who is in charge. Can't believe I almost gave up my kink side for some playboy that couldn't give a flying fuck about me.

[lunarkat87]

I was wrong to say I loved her

I was wrong to think I'm right

But when I told her it was over

My darling I had lied

I've been running from my demons

Afraid to look behind

I've been running from myself

Afraid of what I'd find

But how am I supposed to love you

When I don't love who I am?

And how can I give you all of me

When I'm only half a man?

'Cause I'm a sinking ship that's burning

So let go of my hand

Oh, how can I give you all of me

When I'm only half a man?

--Half a Man by Dean Lewis

[lunarkat87]

[lunarkat87]

I don't feel you

I ripped the last page out

I don't even get jealous when you mention other women

I don't, I don't

And I don't miss you, I'm doing better now

I don't even think of calling

'Cause I never feel like talking, I don't

I don't need you

But I need you

Truth is I'm dishonest

'Cause I'm always scared to get too deep

Truth is that I want this

'Cause I always see you in my sleep

Truth is that I love you, mm

Even when I'm trying not to

-- Truth Is by Sabrina Claudio

[lunarkat87]

If there's a God

Why'd He make me?

All of these flaws

Is all that I see

If there's a God

I don't believe

Someone as perfect as you would love me

God (Damnit)

--God Damnit by Illenium ft. Call Me Karizma

[lunarkat87]

Some days it's hard to see

If I was a fool, or you, a thief

Made it through the maze to find my one in a million

And now you're just a page torn from the story I'm living

And all I gave you is gone

Tumbled like it was stone

Thought we built a dynasty that heaven couldn't shake

Thought we built a dynasty like nothing ever made

Thought we built a dynasty forever couldn't break up

The scar I can't reverse

And the more it heals the worse it hurts

Gave you every piece of me, no wonder it's missing

Don't know how to be so close to someone so distant

And all I gave you is gone-- Dynasty by Elephante

& MIIA