Magi's Diary @magisdiary - Tumblr Blog

hey

hey friend

dont kill yourself tonight ok

you have a really pretty smile and i know its not always easy to manage one but itd be a bummer if we never had the chance to see it ever again

youre really important and you matter a lot so stay safe and try and have a nice sleep

Bout to rage quit cause I can't draw beanies FOR SHIT-

#was drawing Jughead earlier and OMG BEANIES ARE HARD #might take a crack at it later idk #diary entry

quotefeeling

“No great mind has ever existed without a touch of madness.”

— Aristoteles

#words words words

How it feels to start using makeup in your 20s:

#I tried it yesterday and the whole time I felt uncomfy #All the makeup I have is way too light on my skin #and I clearly need to practice cause WOOF #back to the drawing board ig #diary entry

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Touchy Feely Fool, I'm Sorry You Went Crazy, and AJR's (Alleged) Complicated Relationship With Their Mother

So, with the official release of I'm Sorry You Went Crazy, and due to some of the conversations and reactions I've been seeing from fellow AJR fans, I figured it was a good time to dive into a topic related to the band that I've realized isn't as well-known as I thought it was: their relationship with their mother.

Full disclaimer: this is all speculation, mostly based on song lyrics and circumstances surrounding the band. The guys haven't spoken on this publicly or confirmed that any of this is true. But in my opinion, the songs Touchy Feely Fool and I'm Sorry You Went Crazy make a lot more sense when viewed as songs about a strained relationship with a parent, and given what we (sort of) know about AJR's mom, I think there is a decent case to be made for the claims I am about to present.

I will be doing my best to provide evidence and receipts for my claims, but keep in mind I can't collect receipts on everything, so you're just going to have to take my word for some of it.

And perhaps most importantly, THIS IS IN NO WAY MEANT TO DISRESPECT OR HARASS THE BAND. All of this information and speculation is alleged, and I do not encourage harassment of the band regarding this matter. I will take this post down if the band expresses any sort of discomfort about this matter.

But with all of that being said, let's get into this, starting from the beginning.

So we've known for a while now that AJR's parents were divorced, particularly because of the song My Play. I am unsure if the divorce was known about before this song was released, so please let me know. But before this song's release, AJR's father Gary was actively involved with the band and took it upon himself to meet with fans and support his sons. Their mother, however, didn't, although she was still mentioned in songs and interviews. The boys specifically said that BOTH of their parents were very supportive of their music, not just their dad. This leads me to believe that the parents had joint custody, but Gary was seeing the boys more often. Their mom apparently was in charge of their production company, AJR Productions, for a while, so she had active involvement in their music. (This screenshot comes from the About section on the website for The Tutoring Collective, which their mom is the founder and manager of.)

Not to mention, in the physical releases of The Click, Neotheater, and OK ORCHESTRA, in the special thanks section of the album credits, BOTH of their parents were thanked.

(Sourced from John Loren, the artist behind The Click.)

(Sourced from musicbrainz.org)

(Apparently this is sourced from Arc Film Festival, but the link isn't working. Zoom in to see the names.)

All of this to say, it is my belief that, up until the OK ORCHESTRA era/tour, the boys had a good relationship with their mother. But as production of TMM began, something shifted.

AJR has made it incredibly clear that the album was the product of an incredibly rough couple of years. The most obvious example of this was their father passing away from cancer in July of 2023, meaning a huge part of their support system was gone. But there were other things as well.

Going back to the physical release of albums, I have a vinyl of TMM, and checking the special thanks of the album credits, while their father was listed, their mother...wasn't.

(Sourced by me. Sorry for the poor picture quality. Zoom in to see.)

Hmm. That's odd. She was thanked on the last album. What happened?

Well, in this interview, they casually let out the fact that Touchy Feely Fool is about a family member who wronged them (skip to 7:45).

That's interesting. Let's look at the lyrics of Touchy Feely Fool, shall we?

"Well, I'm not too superstitious But I knock on wood a lot Prayin' I'll wake up tomorrow Get the guts to tell you off But I know I'll never get there You could scream you wish me dead But I'll crawl back to you tomorrow Why the hell can't I get mad?"

This first verse clearly tells the story of an abusive relationship. This person is crossing their fingers that they can leave this situation, that they won't have to deal with this anymore. But they know that, despite all the horrible things this person does to them, they feel like they can't leave, like they're indebted to them. This is typical within abusive relationships, where the abuser will manipulate the victim into needing them, making them feel like they have to be grateful that they're with them.

"I'm screwed But, hey, what can you do? I'm a touchy feely fool I would give anything to not give a shit About you (you) Life is pretty cruel For a touchy feely fool I would give anything to not give a shit, but I do"

The victim knows this is a bad situation, but they're sentimental towards this person, so they've resigned themselves to their fate. All they want is to just disregard them, acknowledge them for the awful person they are, but they can't.

Now, after I first heard this part of the song, I assumed it was discussing a romantic relationship or just abusive relationships in general, especially given the context of The Dumb Song, which also seems to discuss an abusive relationship. But then the next verse states:

"Well, I'm not too claustrophobic But I lose my breath sometimes Now I can't even talk to ya Now your lawyers talk to mine Could you teach me to be ruthless? Could I be unfeeling, too? Maybe someday, when I'm older I'll be better off like you"

The second half of this verse is particularly interesting. The phrasing of it, emphasizing "teaching" and getting older, makes me wonder if this has less to do with a romantic partner and more to do with a parent.

First of all, it's well-known that parents can pass unfavorable traits onto their children, or at the very least, those traits can negatively affect their children growing up. And the line "maybe someday, when I'm older, I'll be better off like you" reminds me of the idea that you "become your parents" as you get older. Have you ever said something and followed it up with "wow, I sounded just like my mom/dad/parent/parents?" If you're an adult, most likely. Whether we like it or not, our parents' influence lives on within us.

When you frame the song through this parental lens, the song's message of sentimentality and feeling like you owe something to someone who doesn't care makes so much more sense. Because we feel like we owe our parents so much. They conceived us. They raised us. They gave us everything we have and got us to where we are. So even when they mistreat us, when they clearly don't care as much as we do, we can't quite get ourselves to completely hate and abandon them, like we might be able to with romantic partners. And even worse, parents sometimes take advantage of this, making us feel as though we're cruel or ungrateful for even daring to "disrespect" them, even when the opposite is true.

And given the absence of AJR's mother from the special thanks, and the clearly great relationship the boys had with their father, I don't think it's an insane leap of logic to imagine this song could be about their mother, and their strained relationship with her (perhaps as a result of their father's sickness, or something else entirely).

I should also mention the way The Dumb Song plays into this as a sidebar:

"You said with certainty

I may be the dumbest person that you've ever seen

You think you're hurtin' me

Bet you won't believe it, but you kinda set me free

You've mentioned Adderall

Slip this guy a sedative, he's bouncin' off the wall

Honey, it's no big deal

We'll get you back to college, you could study somethin' real"

Their mother is insulting them, calling them stupid for abandoning her, not realizing that by doing so, the guys are actually setting themselves free from a toxic relationship. The last two lines are tongue-in-cheek, phrased the way a parent would phrase something to their child, only it's AJR cleverly insulting their mother by using her own words against her. (Remember that Jack and Ryan dropped out of Columbia University to focus on AJR.)

So I think we've established by this point how these songs could be alluding to AJR's mother. But I need to strongly emphasize that, when The Dumb Song was first released as a single, when the first verse of Touchy Feely Fool was teased via the guys' phone number, and when the full song was released on TMM, this was NOT something on anyone's radar, including mine. Everyone assumed that these songs were about a toxic ex. I made a post on Reddit shortly before TMM released, connecting TFF and TDS (as well as YIAM), but I was still operating under the assumption that these songs were about a failed romantic relationship.

But then, four days after the album was released, AJR's interview with Zach Sang about TMM was posted, and it changed everything.

At 50:10, the guys start talking about Touchy Feely Fool. It seems as though they're going to speak about who the song is about, but then at 50:44, right when Zach is about to say the name, the footage cuts to a black screen with text that reads, "This clip was deleted due to legal reasons".

...what on Earth? What could've happened?

Wait a minute. What was that line from Touchy Feely Fool I conveniently didn't comment on during my analysis?

"Now I can't even talk to ya

Now your lawyers talk to mine"

...did...did AJR's mom sue them?

It would very much appear to be the case.

(Before we discuss I'm Sorry You Went Crazy, I'm going to provide you guys with a few links to Reddit threads from around the time this discussion was initially happening. I got a lot of my info here from those threads. Here is mine, and here is one I spent a lot of time in.)

So now let's get into the reason why we're all here: I'm Sorry You Went Crazy. This song was first teased back in March of this year, and when I heard the chorus, alarm bells immediately began going off. There was discussion about whether or not this song was related to Cat, thinking she and Ryan had called off their marriage. Keep in mind that this was before we knew about Betty, and obviously before we knew about The Plane That Never Lands, so we had no real reason to believe they had called it off. I openly disagreed with this take from the beginning, as I could tell from the start that this song was the spiritual successor to Touchy Feely Fool. So let's look at the lyrics:

"I turned 29 the other weekend

You know you're not blocked, you still can call

Did you hear we played The Garden and I got my own apartment?

Are you in touch with anyone at all?"

Ryan turned 29 on March 3rd, 2023, and before AJR headlined The Garden during the TMM tour, they played there in 2022 as part of the iHeart Radio Jingle Ball. So clearly this song was either written in early 2023, back when they were teasing TMM, or it's just reminiscing about that time. And more importantly, this would've been before Ryan and Cat got engaged, which was in the summer of 2023, so it's not about her.

The line about not being blocked is especially noteworthy. It connects to the guys not feeling like they can fully hate or cut off their mom in the same way they'd cut off a toxic ex. Her contact is still in their phones, just in case. Clinging to an abuser or something who hurt you, or at least leaving the door somewhat ajar, is not uncommon. They also hint that their mother's behavior has driven people away from her.

"I bet you never, ever sit in silence

You'll try therapists till one tells you you're great

Or else it would be clear, though, that you're not the fucking hero

And if you called, I don't know what I'd say"

Their mother refuses to acknowledge what she's done wrong, looking for validation. She thinks she's really done something, that her boys wronged her. Remember the description on the website that said she "founded" the band? Remember what I said about parents making kids feel grateful when they shouldn't be ("I MADE you")?

"I'm sorry you went crazy

I'm sorry that I'm saying it so blunt

Everybody says that you look happy

But to me, you just look like someone that I used to love"

The apology is a conflicted one: it's a little genuine and a little sarcastic. They can't decide whether to forgive or mock. Then they apologize for their phrasing, furthering the idea that they're still guilty.

"OK, you're right, and we're all evil aliens

And thank God you're here to save the human race from us

So shoot me in my weak spot with your subatomic laser gun

Now you're really all alone"

Their mother is framing them as the bad guys who need to be punished, hence the lawsuit. But all she's done is isolate herself from her family.

"I'm sorry you went crazy

I'm sorry that the money's what you want"

This time, the apology is a little more sarcastic given the line that follows it. This further confirms that the lawsuit did indeed happen, and that it only happened because their mother was anxious for a cut of their earnings.

"I'm sorry you went crazy

I'm sure it isn't any fucking fun"

Once again, this is a mixture of sarcasm and genuinely feeling bad for what she's become.

"Yeah, you've gotten good at looking happy

But to me, you just look like someone that you used to love

Oh, my God

You really look like someone that you used to love"

This line is a killer. The guys really rub in the fact that their mother is not at all happy with what her life looks like now, and that secretly, she hates herself for what she's done. This can only come from the minds of those who have silently stewed and wondered what could've caused someone to act like this, wishing to get inside their mind. So there's a sense of bitterness and dismissal. However, the fact that they even bothered to consider it from this angle shows that, once again, they do still care, and they secretly hope she's going to be OK.

So yeah. It's about their mom. I'm not really sure what else to say.

I really hope this convinced you of this, and that it makes these songs easier to understand. I've had these brainworms for almost 2 years now, so it's time to finally share them with other people. Rest easy, and respect yourselves.

#omg this is...a lot #as someone with a similar relationship with my mom this hurts. a lot #you wanna cut her off but deep down you still love her? same #I hope the guys are ok #thx sm op. good read

howtonerdoutovereverything

Every couple of weeks I reminisce about that one time almost a year ago when I wrote an entire dissertation to prove to AJRblr that AJR have a fucked up relationship with their mom and it makes me feel like a tenured professor watching her students walk across the graduation stage

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