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Betty Blue OST - C'est le Vent, Betty Dün yatmadan önce film izleme kararı almıştım, lakin başardım da. Çok beğendiğim bir film olmamakla birlikte son bölümde geçen bir cümle beni benden aldı, sonra aklıma Betty Blue geldi. Ne alaka mı? Şöyle:

Maybe we could express ourselves more fully if we say it without words. Should we try that?

#i miss you

sputniksea

https://instagram.com/p/BVMZEVqnRUe/

masamitsu-magome

Photo by Masamitsu Magome

Venting demons and crying the fuck out

…I’m tired… not like a child who has spent the whole day playing down the playground, willing for some sleep to repeat everything all over again on the next day. I’m tired. My tiredness’ been at my side since my early 13, when my teenage rebellion was starting to show over the surroundings and lose control.

I know I’ve done tons of negative things;

I know I’ve suffered a lot; I know I’ve hurt my parents; I know I’ve lost my dad; Lost my home, some friends.

And I know strangers have stolen my innocence away at the age of 14.

So why’s that?

A huge question mark’s carved onto my forehead, waking me up to the afterall and all.

I’ve done NOTHING that could help me understand the reasons of why I am the way I am. And why am I so lost all the time even though I have seen and experienced so much? Constantly feeling caged, trapped, cheated, alone. My body seems to be physically ill, I haven’t got strenght to do anything nor I have the mood that allows me to enjoy things. I like nothing. I hate nothing.

Every single day I wake, I cry. Not kidding, but seriously. Got subscribed in Kung Fu classes and I just don’t go, don’t exercise, don’t follow their orders. Last class I’ve had an emotional breakdown. During an activity that involved the whole class, while everybody was running around the class, I simply went to the center of the room, sat down and started crying from anxiety, anger e fear. I wasn’t discharge. My teacher gave me orders to stand beside a wall and take deep breaths, but I was crying so much that the only thing I wanted was to kill him. The panic softly went away but I didn’t participate. Went home feeling like shit. Bunch of doubts about the college, the cultural extension, my life in here, myself.

I hate myself. I swore to never ever pity myself again, but I feel I am a failure. I’m not optimistic towards this admission test.

#paula #me