I met someone. A guy. I am in an open relationship with my primary partner. But I met someone. Ten years ago--probably even five years ago--I would have called them "feelings" that I had and meant every Drew Barrymore romantic-comedy sense of the heteroperformative word. I only met him about a week and a half ago as I was getting into my car at the gym. My driver's side door was blocked by another car, so I hopped in--almost playfully--through my passenger door. Tossed my bag in, curled up into a ball, and hopped into the driver's seat. Before this though, I noticed this rugged handsome face in the Bronco next to my passenger side. He looked up. I didn't think much of it until after I was nestled into my driver's seat. I had to sit and eat my starbucks sandwich and wait for my boyfriend to call me back anyway, so I chilled. I noticed him peering over a bit. We made eye contact a few times. I just assumed we were cruising. I wasn't really in the mood but "let's see what this guy's about." Was my ego needing a stroke? Probably. Some muscle head's checking me out; I'm going for it. Who cares where it goes.
My boyfriend finally calls. I'm almost done with my sandwich. Me and the dude keep exchanging some quick glances. I go for it: I unroll my passenger window and signal for him to unroll his. He smiles. His eyes light up. We strike up a conversation about lifting weights, that he's new in town, that I used to lift weights elsewhere...just light pleasant banter. It felt organic and comfortable. He gets out of his vehicle, and we shake hands through my car window. We exchange numbers. "That was fun," I think. I just treated it as a nice warm convo at the time; I really wasn't thinking about further exchanges.
He text me within a few minutes. "That's what I'm talking about. organic, authentic conversation." And I think he sent me a bicep flex emoji. Exactly. My. Language. "I think this dude gets me."
(For those wondering...no I never had the thought of leaving my partner. For all of what I'm trying to figure out what this "is," leaving my partner and setting up some new fling with Bronco man, with certainty it is not.)
In the last twelve days of knowing him, somehow I feel like I know him already. No, I don't mean that in some rom-com sense or some spiritual plane experience. I literally mean, I've experienced this person, these traits, this relationship before. He is my brother.
I can explain more details later, but essentially my experience with him thus far lends support to my feeling, that over the many many years I have interacted with men, experienced "gayness" and where I fit (or do not fit) with it, fallen in and out of various versions of "love," and failed at dare I say, all of them... I've essentially been replacing nuanced relationships with men and seeking closeness with the masculine spirit, with a default of "romance" and western heteroperformative-style relationships, that "feelings" word I used earlier. It's vague and elusive, and loaded with connotations, stereotypes, and meaning, and *yet* fails to explain what I feel, what I need, or what I intend.
What does this have to do with my brother? My brother and I, on our own, were best friends from childhood. We laughed and fought and talked. But, when he got around friends, I was suddenly not good enough. He'd lose all sense of--what I'd call now--integrity. I called him a hypocrite a lot growing up. It felt like he had something to lose by openly enjoying our relationship as brothers, as best friends. And so, in one of many follies and instances of neglect, I learned to hate myself and put pieces of myself away, to keep that relationship stable, especially as my brother (who was older) approached high school. I love my brother. I know he has pain of his own from our family of origin, and we just dealt with it much differently. I sought safety in authenticity (and experienced the opposite of it frequently in the form rejection); he sought it in belonging and being liked (and actually succeeded at it quite well). I am painfully seeing through my interactions with...we'll call him "Mark"...that I haven't forgiven him for choosing popularity over our friendship, and perhaps more importantly, how far I've run from pieces of myself, the pieces I always claimed were obliterated and blown apart and scattered to unknown places, pieces that I only felt when I was dangerously and fearfully close to them...all along they weren't scattered at all.
I want to forgive my brother, just as I want to forgive Mark. But doing so means I have to let go of this "thing" I've become so toxically attached too--being liked, being masculine, being muscular, being respected by many. It's been a constant conflict, wanting to marry authenticity with being liked and respected as a man. It truly is a fragile space to be in. Disentanglement doesn't come easy. I'm not suggesting I cannot be friends with Mark, or that I can't have a good relationship with my brother, though rejection sure feels heavy. It feels anxiety-ridden, firstly. It also feels empty, empty in a way that says "if he is gone you will fall." I remind myself, that I have survived long enough without this type of relationship, however much I wanted to fearlessly explore it; so that emptiness is not rational.
In twelve short days, I've gone from familiar but confusing "feelings" for Mark, to straight-up confusion, to domination-submission exploration, to still not knowing exactly what word could even be used to describe our relationship (men are not allowed nuance to have such words), to seeing painful and uncomfortable parallels that I've never had space to face without having to pay for it with abandonment and embarrassment. I'm thankful to Mark for giving me that space. I think he's awesome and patient and thoughtful for even giving me space to truly spill my experiences and reflections about our relationship onto him, and to share his own painful experiences back to me. He admittedly is also painfully confused about what exactly it is he wants, or how to find it, which creates pain and confusion for me.
I think what's also become painfully apparent about our relationship, is that he wants the same. That is not painful of itself; what is painful, is that I may not be able to safely give that to him. How ironic: just last week I was explaining to him how much I valued the space he had offered me, and asked for patience as I worked to understand our relationship, and how I saw him as the older brother I never had. God, it seems to all be right in front of me??
Whereas I once saw Mark as some fantastical Alpha Male, "top of the totem pole" I told him once, Mark and I actually aren't different, because he wants space, he wants freedom, he wants comfort and safety. I found it out in an intense way today after we actually fought at the gym while working out. I pushed him to a place and he shut down, he walked--nearly ran--away from me , in the most literal sense physically and emotionally. I think back to that day he first made eye contact with me from his Bronco. They were not the eyes of a man (not intended to be an insult, btw) but it was the eyes of a boy asking to be accepted? Or maybe to be told it's okay. I don't know; they definitely were not the eyes of a man cruising, though. Maybe I'm projecting my own onto him. I can never be sure unless he says it. He may not be ready for that conversation. Admittedly, it may not even "be" there for him to explore. After this week, our relationship may be over. I'm okay with that...not in a dismissive stoic sense, but in a way that I am confidently and assuredly grateful already for knowing him. I got a lot out of our conversations and time together. I do not want to hurt him by omitting his needs, either.
I feel we men are doomed to fail this game, always, because we are constantly waiting for another man with a full cup, and pretending the whole time our cup is full already to give to someone else. And so we fail, we hurt, and we spread our pain. It keeps us apart and emotionally alone.
Forgive my grammar. Forgive my lack of flow and linearity. It's 1 am and I have been crying listening to the opening them to Attack on Titan season 3...a piece that makes me think of chasing chaos while hoping for peace.
