and when dirk is in his 30's, probably getting married to jake, thinking about having kids, about his career, he will finally fully process everything.
One day, he and jake will be sitting on the couch together of there shitty hotel room, will a couple bottles of shitty wine, and dirk will just break down.
He will think about all the times growing up that he didnt notice at first glance, but were now obvious with how inlove dave was with him. Will remember all the times he'd walked in on dave hiding his wrists and crying, and he will remember thinking, 'i really wish i knew how to help this guy, this has to be more than just teenage hormones right?' and he will hate how right he was. he will hate that it was right there, infront of him the whole time, and he just completely missed it.
He wouldn't think it was his fault, because it wasn't. he didn't make dave fall inlove with him. he did nothing to lead dave on, he did nothing but treat dave like an older brother should.
But he would think about what he could have done if he knew sooner. Maybe he could have talked dave out of it, made sure that dave knew that although dirk didnt love him the same, that he didnt hate dave for it. Maybe he could have acted as if he didn't know, and force dave to confess to him, to get everything off his chest so that dirk can actually help him.
Maybe dirk could have loved him, too.
Dirk pushes jake off him, who was trying to comfort his husband. He just stops crying, assures jake he is fine, and takes a shower.
They leave in the morning and dirk has to pretend like he didn't just think about dating his brother. dirk has to go on, raising his kids, dealing with jake getting fired from his job and them having to cut corners to not go homeless, comforting Kanaya after rose cheated on her and help them through the divorce.
He keeps it in the back of his mind, know nearing his late 50's. He keeps thinking that if only he had loved his brother in the wrong way, dave would be alive.
Him and jake were finally happy. everything was calm. he had the perfect life.
and yet, nearly 30 years late, he realizes that he is exactly the kind of person he hates. Because he is in love with his brother. his dead brother.
he would think about all the times he talked and looked at his dead brother in a negative way, and would regret it all. he loved his dead brother, the way he smiled in photographs, the way he used to force dirk to listen to his shitty raps, the way he would brush dirks hair out of his face while he was too balls deep in digesting a robots stomach to do it himself.
He would hate himself. Because he never loved his brother. He would have never supported THIS while dave was still alive.
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