word vomit within a few minutes.. just needed to get some thoughts out my mind. excuse the grammar/punctuation..
———————————————————————
6 months deep..
World hasn’t stopped spinning. Time keeps running. I’m stuck. Stuck in the same place I was left in. 6 months ago. Maybe worse. I thought I was getting better. And I was. But strings kept pulling me down. Every time I thought I reached the surface to catch a breath, a storm would come by and wash it all away.
Honestly. I thought I was ok. I thought I was fucking alrite. The freedom. The “fuck it whatever” mood. The ability to “do me”. A clear path and a clear opportunity to head into the right direction. And things were going good. 220 fam, the 110 kiddos, new job, radiology opportunity, etc.! But they were temporary highs.. I guess.
Unfortunately those signs took a toll and started to go downwards. The reason of my fall. No control. Head not in the right place at times. Too much freedom. Too many times in the “fuck it whatever” mood. Took away from wanting to “do me”. I lost sight. I lost balance. I almost lost purpose. In myself of course. Which unfortunately transpired to those around me. They saw my energy. They saw who I was becoming. And it wasn’t me. But it was.
You see, it’s so nice when you’re in a relationship and you you have an automatic external factor for you to keep things goin right. But once that’s taken away, after 7 years, damn. Damn. Damn. I thought I was good. I thought I had my mind in the right place. But what I was really doing sometimes was ignoring the truth. Ignoring my emotions. Ignoring the reality of things. The reality?
I wasn’t good. I could’t get back on my feet as fast as I could. Head was in the right place but my heart was destroyed. It’s not the same when your everyday motivator and inspiration is suddenly gone. Yes it starts with me, yes it fucking starts with me. But heartbreak isn’t something that heals just like that. Which is what it seemed like from an outside perspective of me. I’ve been soooooo good at looking like I’m ok or happy or back on my feet. And that lead me to fall for my own lies!!! Which creates temporary happiness and decisions which then leads to a downfall. Destruction.
And the reality of things is that I’m not ok. I’m done acting like I’m ok. I’m done putting up a front and trying to be strong. Because I’m weak. I’m hurting. I’m struggling. Yes I know what I need to do. But that’s not what I’m trying to say here. Stop telling me what I need to do physically because that’s the easy part. The hard part is trying to cope with these damn emotions. If you wanna help, show some love or show it by actions or idk. Just don’t tell me to do this and to do that. Just be here for me. I need support. I need to feel. I need to let these emotions out sometimes cause I’ve been ignoring these emotions to the public too long..
To add on, this is more than just a “heartbreak”. I have sooooo many more difficult challenges that I’ve had to go through these past few months alone and it’s so damn hard to not let it affect me. Cause the reality is that I am heavily affected, despite me getting thru it all. Things are just fucking. hard. So. Damn. Hard!!!!!!! Add these external struggles together PLUS what I previously talked about and gah damn I’m just so done.
But I’m coping. I’m getting thru. I’m getting better. People don’t understand everything going on in your life. All they see is the outside and expect so much from you but they don’t ever stop to think and care about how much you’re REALLY going thru and if you’re doing alrite, behind all the success and all the smiles. Those smiles are put up so you don’t ever have to see my struggles or deal with my negative situations. But it hurts sometimes when people can’t see the other side.. but that’s also because I’ve allowed them to never ever see that side. Double-edged sword..
My mind is all over the place but if there’s anything I want you to take from this, it’s to please always check up on your friends no matter how good they look on the outside. Don’t ignore your true emotions. Allow yourself to feel and go through it no matter how bad it sucks.
I’m not ending this on a super positive, important lesson at the end, or solution because I’m still going through it all.
Idk, I’m emotionally exhausted. And I’m sorry to the people I’ve negatively affected. I deeply apologize. I’ve just been an absolute mess. I hope you could understand.
Thanks for reading. If you did. And thanks for understanding. If you did.
To be continued..
