Lost In Theory

Our parents,teachers,and peers often tell us to think about the bigger picture. That's the problem with life these days. We are always focused on the bigger picture. That keeps us from enjoying the little things because we are so focused on a future that's going to be scarred,broken,and demolished no matter what we do in the long run. You know why? There is no hope for us in this society. They make sure we never feel it. Something I came to realize is that hope doesn't exist.

[jwkfhjs-blog]

Friends? | Jasmine + Allyn

[jwkfhjs-blog]

"Smiling for the sake of smiling, not having a care in the world. Being surrounded by the ones you love. Not to be plagued with doubts, fears and horrible expectations. Looking at world as if it can offer you a thousand different great things a day. Release." I rest my hand on top of hers and smile, she really was a God send. 

"You are a special kind of person Allyn. You really are. Is your Isaac here? Don’t worry, we all knew about you too, the boy is gorgeous I don’t blame you at all."

[marxonme]

"Thank you Jasmine. Isaac is here actually. He's around here somewhere. You'll probably run into him. Just make sure you hear the accent before saying his name. Turns out there's a guy here that looks exactly like him."

But he kisses differently. Speaks differently too. Acts like a brat as well.

"Do you want to run, Jasmine?"

[jwkfhjs-blog]

Friends? | Jasmine + Allyn

[jwkfhjs-blog]

I don’t know what I would do if I did or didn’t see his name, but I think maybe just not looking would be the best solution to that. “I can’t Allyn, I can’t. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t see or if I did see his name. I can’t give myself hope and be disappointed and I can’t… I don’t think I can do it Allyn.”

[marxonme]

"There were days when I believed that hope didn't exist. I can always find out on my own and if you want to know then just ask. But for now I am taking it upon myself to make you happy. When you think of happiness, what pops into your head?"

[jwkfhjs-blog]

Friends? | Jasmine + Allyn

[jwkfhjs-blog]

Here goes. “After I got out the Arena, I started to feel sick and just, well long story short, I was pregnant and it was his. I had a little boy, I called him Raj and he was just the image of him you know? Bright eyes and a beautiful smile. He was so kind, so loving, funny, and so handsome. I had a piece of Jarel with me and then-” I had to catch myself again, it was okay, I could do this. It happened so long ago. “Then he was Reaped, and they made him fight and he died in the Arena. They took my baby away from me and they killed him. He was ambushed, and tortured and then they killed my little boy.”

I had to hold onto Allyn as I said this because I wouldn’t have been able to say it otherwise. I squeezed onto her hand as tightly as I could and gulped back the sobs threatening to take over my body, but the tears still continued to fall.

"They’ve taken everything away from me, and I’ve felt nothing but sadness. I’ve done nothing but suffer, and I don’t want to suffer anymore."

[marxonme]

She had a baby...

She had a family and they took it away from her. Evil fools. I swear I hate them more and more each day. Wait...maybe she can have happiness. We need to check that roster.

"Jasmine we need to check to see if the brought him back. There's a chance they did. If they did then you can have some happiness back. If not then I will do everything in my power to help you find something to be happy about."

[jwkfhjs-blog]

[marxonme]

She reminds me of Ithuriel. Back in the early days of our friendship he thought he couldn’t love anyone else.

A-what. I want to know now. But she is obviously upset so I can’t push the issue just yet.

"You remind me of a friend. Jasmine, what could have possibly happened to get...

[marxonme]

Woah. Didn't know that Victory would be that rough. I squeezed her tighter. I know how it feels to fall apart. It's almost a physical thing. "I promise Jasmine."

[jwkfhjs-blog]

Friends? | Jasmine + Allyn

[jwkfhjs-blog]

"Yes, and other things. I’d finally found someone that I care about more than myself. I just couldn’t feel that way about any other man you know? Especially a-" nope, not right now Jasmine. There were only a few sad memories that I could take at a time.

I let out a long sigh and wiped my tears away, it wouldn’t be long until they found out about him, the sick bastards would probably bring him back to cause me more pain. “I kind of wish I had died in that Arena. Let Emerson, or Leo or even you kill me. It would have been a lot better and you all probably would have had better lives.”

[marxonme]

She reminds me of Ithuriel. Back in the early days of our friendship he thought he couldn't love anyone else.

A-what. I want to know now. But she is obviously upset so I can't push the issue just yet.

"You remind me of a friend. Jasmine, what could have possibly happened to get you to wish you died?"

Life is a precious thing.

[jwkfhjs-blog]

Friends? | Jasmine + Allyn

[jwkfhjs-blog]

The hug was exactly what I needed and I didn’t know how long I spent crying on Allyn’s shoulder. I felt like Allyn was a rock, the kind of person that supported people through suffering, loneliness and bad times, I hoped she had her own person to lean on.

"I spent the majority of my life after the Games being unhappy. I don’t even know what will make me happy anymore."

[marxonme]

"Was it because he was dead?"

I can make a list of things that may make her happy. Hook ups,bottle of wine,a hobby,slitting Athelea's throat,or do those cheesy girly sleepover things I did before I got pregnant.

[jwkfhjs-blog]

Friends? | Jasmine + Allyn

[jwkfhjs-blog]

Welcome to the Hunger Games. I’m surprised she didn’t ask me about my eyes the second she saw me, she must have known I didn’t want to talk about it straight away.

"I saw Jarel again. Well, I went to look for Jarel and I found him. We talked, hugged, and kissed and I realised that I couldn’t be the girl that was going to share the man she loves with another woman so I kind of broke things off with him and told him to keep his distance from me. And it feels like I’ve just shot myself through the heart." I pressed my hand to my chest again and squeezed my eyes, but the tears fell again and sobs racked my body. I always said that I was never going to be the girl cries over a man and here I am.

[marxonme]

I knew that bastard was no good. He damn well better avoid me because I will not hesitate to fucking hurt him.

I hugged her. She needed someone there and I am happy to be that person.

"You're doing what's right for you. No matter how much it may hurt you just have to be selfish sometimes. Think about it this way. If you didn't do this then more than likely you would grow unhappy."

[jwkfhjs-blog]

Friends? | Jasmine + Allyn

[jwkfhjs-blog]

I came at sat down next to her and smiled a little, I was safe here and I knew that but I was so tense. “I know I’m safe with you, I just. A lot happened and I’m sorry if I’m a little jumpy at times.” I crossed my legs and looked up at the sky. It was perfectly blue.

"I’m sorry for what I did, in the Arena. I wanted to go home, or if not, for Jarel to go home. I came out here to say that, you deserved so much more than to die in that Arena."

[marxonme]

"No need to apologize. You did what you had to do so it's nothing. I'm glad it was you that killed me if I'm being completely honest. Death by the hands of a friend sounds like it would be some kind of tv drama."

Okay what's wrong.

"You're off and your eyes are puffy. What's been going on?"

[jwkfhjs-blog]

Friends? | Jasmine + Allyn

[jwkfhjs-blog]

She seemed so calm, she looked so at peace. Why could I not have that same feeling. I took a tentative step towards her and paused for a second. She wasn’t going to hurt me, and I was safe here. I had to remind myself of that because for the longest time I was yet to feel safe.

"I’ve seen better days but I am alive, even though now it doesn’t seem like much of a positive. How are you?" I felt like I should say something, but I won’t, not right now. 

[marxonme]

Well this wasn't awkward at first but now it feels like it.

"You can come sit. I can't speak for the rest of the people in the house but I can speak for myself. You're safe with me. I'm pretty good. Not much phases me so this being alive again thing is just another day in the life of a Panem citizen."

Should I address the puffy eyes? Not yet. 

[jwkfhjs-blog]

Friends? | Jasmine + Allyn

After finding a quiet spot in a music room I sobbed for a while and hugged myself until I was all out of tears. I hadn’t cried this hard since I saw my baby Raj die in the Arena and before that the first night I slept alone after Jarel had died. Right now I needed a friend, someone who would tell me what I needed to hear and not fill my head with bullshit and there was only one person I had in mind, and right now I doubted she wanted to see my face.

I walked outside, embracing the beautiful and somewhat natural landscape that was the garden and saw Allyn there, her hair was up in her usual ponytail. I always thought she looked prettier when it was down. She looked so calm, and at peace, I felt bad for disturbing her.

"Allyn?"

[marxonme]

This place really knows how to make a girl feel at home. Word searches and the grand outdoors. What could be better? The theme was flowers. Rose,tulip,daffodil,orchid. Now where is hydrangea? 

Jasmine. I would know that voice anywhere. When I look up I see that she is visibly upset. Crying...yes. I have nothing against Jasmine. She did what she had to do to live. In the end I'm glad that my death was from a worthy opponent.

"Hello. It's about time we finally meet again. How are you?"

[marxonme]

Everything We Knew || Allyn & Valentine

I find myself on the floor in the library with a large book of word searches. Since that whole Valentine fiasco I have changed into jeans and a tshirt,done some productive stuff. Now I am fully immersed in this word search and the grand comfort that only comes from laying on the plus Capitol carpets.

As I'm searching for the word mahogany I notice a familiar pair of shoes coming my way.

"Nice to see you again Ithuriel." 

[marxonme]

Control Me || Allyn & Valentine

[v-for-valentine-blog]

"You know when something so unfortunate happens that you can almost laugh and so you do so it feels better. Yeah, I’ve just gone past that and right now I don’t know whether to just leave or strangle you. So. For the sake of our friendship and my sanity I think it be best if I excused myself from this room and returned when I feel like I’m in an acceptable state of mind."

I stood up from the bed and brushed my clothes down trying to ignore the deed that was going to have to be done sooner rather than later. This girl offering to help she was on some serious bullshit. I put my finger to my lips, feeling something sticky, ah yes her lipstick. I wiped it off, and turned my hand over.

"Definitely not my colour."

[marxonme]

Strangle me? Like he could even fucking try. See this is why I'm glad I didn't sleep with this asshole. He's just like every other douchebag out there. From years of training I seem to automatically get in the defensive position. I don't take so kindly to people who seem to think messing with me is okay.

"Oh get the hell over it Ithuriel. You're acting like a fucking child who can't get the toy he wants. Don't you even dare try to threaten me. You're not the only one in here who has a bad temper. You are right with one thing though. Dark pink isn't your color. Unless you're into wearing lipstick. Not that it wouldn't be okay or anything. Red seems to be more your color."

[marxonme]

Control Me || Allyn & Valentine

[v-for-valentine-blog]

She did not just. Calm.

Be calm Valentine.

I ran my hands over my face and tried to calm myself down a little but it proving to be unsuccessful. Girls that did what Allyn just did are the worst kind of girls in the world. What the hell was I going to do with myself now? Like, who does she even think she is? If I was half dressed this whole entire thing would have been even worse than it is, not that it already isn’t bad enough.

I don’t know why I waited for her to come out of the bathroom, because a large part of me just wanted to storm out of the room like a petulant child, but I still had a shred of integrity left.

[marxonme]

With my dress on and my hair back in its usual style I head back out to Valentine. I'm so sorry. There is something I could do for him. But...should I? I don't know.

"I'm so sorry but I can do something for you. If you want or need me to. I'm not that mean. There's just somethings I can't- Do you want me to or not? Just say yes or no before I start to feel bad."

[marxonme]

Control Me || Allyn & Valentine

[v-for-valentine-blog]

So, her weakness is foreign languages. I can use that against her language but for now I was going to enjoy her company. “Yes, is good enough Miss Marx, in fact it is the perfect answer.” the fact that after months of longing, I’m finally getting what I wanted is perhaps the most satisfying thing that I am feeling right now. 

"Are you going to stop resisting me now Allyn?" I traced my finger across her jaw before guiding her hands to my waistcoat so she can take it off. Why did I wear so many clothes?

[marxonme]

Clothes. Why? Why clothes? An inconvenience. I really could get up and walk away. The haze is back. That haze that I always got when I wasn't in control. There was something moving in the room. I turn my head to see my memory repeating again. With Issac. Not Valentine. This is all wrong...

I'm not ready. My body wants something but right now my heart is telling me to stop. Maybe in another time I can do this. Just not right now. When Isaac is on the screen and I'm falling in love with him right before my eyes.

I get off of Ithuriels lap and collect my dress.

"I have to resist you Ithuriel. I'm dearly sorry for...this. Your mindset is something that I can't seem to slip into. I'm just...I can't cross that line yet. I'm sorry."

I politely smile and excuse myself to the bathroom. Dammit. What was I about to do? I could have done it. I would have done it. Hell I wanted to. Really wanted to. I just couldn't.

[marxonme]

Control Me || Allyn & Valentine

[v-for-valentine-blog]

I might as well just shoot myself in the head. The ability to think straight righ this second just didn’t exist. Why is she making me think? Why does she hate me this much? Think Valentine, think… she had a weakness for hair touching, hair pulling, cheesy romance at that boy that looked exactly like me. I still wasn’t over that, the French accent, and the very European kind of charm. Slimy bastard. If only I co- wait a second.

I looked up at Allyn and narrowed my eyes at her, before biting down on my bottom him to stop the groan about to leave my mouth. I didn’t want to remind her of that French boy maybe another romance language would satisfy her. I ran my hands other her thighs, so soft… and planted soft kisses up her neck before my mouth reached her ear. I brushed my lips against the bottom of her earlobe before whispering “Posso se avere quel te ora?”

[marxonme]

Holy crap. He did it. That voice. How can I think straight now? 

Is it possible for me to like Italian more than French? I really like it. All I recognize is the language. Whatever question he just asked me is something I don't know. 

"I really don't know what you just said so I'm just going to say yes."

I seriously needed to stop talking. Resisting now was out of the question. 

[marxonme]

Control Me || Allyn & Valentine

[v-for-valentine-blog]

Oh dear God this girl is trying to kill me. Her dress slides up so much I can almost see her underwear. Literally an inch of fabric is between me and seeing Allyn’s underwear and I let out a groan, not really caring any more. I felt sorry for the person that was next door to us. Every single thing she said after sitting on my lap kind of just blended into a sound talking about control, weakness, tugging, no and pain and I just, really didn’t want to do anything other getting her naked.

Please stop talking Allyn. I ended up just nodding, after catching the rising intonation of her voice, making me guess that she just asked a question of some sort. This girl… I grabbed onto the bottom of her dress and lifted it up above her head to see the greatest sight in the world. Allyn in her underwear.

"Oh my God" how have I lived for so long, and not seen this. What kind of life am I even living. "Allyn, just why? Why do you tease me so much?" this bra was staying, the bra was most definitely staying on. I run my finger over the red lace trim and intricate design of her bra. This is perhaps the greatest bra I’ve ever seen. With her long blonde hair flowing down her back, some spilling down across her shoulder, she just looks absolutely irresistible. Making sure to avoid the hair, I wrap my hand around the back of her neck and kiss her again. I don’t think I’ve ever wanted a girl more than I’ve wanted Allyn right now.

[marxonme]

Getting rid of the dress was no big deal. He obviously didn't hear what I just said. Poor man is consumed by lust. Then again he did avoid my hair. But I kind of don't want him to now. I take his hand off the back of my neck before breaking the kiss.

"Your restraint sucks. I tease you because you make it easy. Now back to what I was saying. Find my weakness and you can do whatever you want to me with no objections. It should be easy for you because you know it."

I wiggled my hips for emphasis. Crap that friction felt good. Control. Must control.

Will he listen this time?

[marxonme]

Control Me || Allyn & Valentine

[v-for-valentine-blog]

"But that’s not fair. You might have just wanted to kiss me, but just." I just had to calm myself down and take a moment to breathe for a couple of seconds. Allyn did not just do that to me, she did not just think I was going to be okay with kissing. How old did she think I was?

So done with this girl. Just simply touching me wasn’t going to do anything for the throbbing pain in my pants. I kind of smile at her compliments but I just wanted more. God dammit Allyn. “A little.”

[marxonme]

I kinda felt bad for him. This wasn't intentional. Should I? No...But he's making me. Fuck I want more and my restraint is barely there. I straddle him. My dress sliding up to a very inappropriate height.

"Ithuriel you really should learn control. Also be aware that I'm a tease you see. Having more control does also go in my favor. I can get way worse. You can always go relieve yourself in the shower. Then again I'm not that mean. I'll happily give into you if you find my weakness. Which is not tugging my hair. Each wrong move an I further enhance your pain. Deal?"