Until One Day @maygunmaygunmaygun - Tumblr Blog

13-10-2016 1:30am

I feel fucking stupid writing this but i dont know what else to do to try and get rid of this pain . I miss you so much but i am so angry at you for fucking wasting my time like this . I think about you alot , just when i start to think im fine again youll pop into my head , mostly when I'm driving around and i see something that reminds me of you and all the empty promises you made me . I had an afternoon nap today and unfortunately dreamt about you . Thornton was having drinks at her house and you were there . You were saying hello to everyone and i was standing outside the open window watching you make your way around , wondering if youll stop and say anything to me or if youd just ignore me . And i waited and i watched and i waited and then you looked at me and said "hey you" and gave me a hug and i just broke down in your arms and you said to me "its alright let it out , im so sorry" and I woke up after that with tears in my eyes and i felt my heart aching for you . Why have you been so unfair ? Why have you set me up for failure like this ? I tried to resist because i know i always end up getting hurt but i dunno there was something about you and i let my guard down and got fucked over a week later . And i feel so fucking pathetic cos it was only a week but in that small space of time you fed me so much bullshit that i started to believe you were genuine . And no matter how many times i tried to push you away you kept trying and trying and i was so fucking stupid to believe that you actually gave a fuck . That you meant it when you said you would wait for me , you would put in the effort because i was "worth it" , even when i said we wont be talking this time next year you said nah nah nah well be talking ill make sure of it . Fucking lies . I think what hurts the most is that you said to me i can tell you haven't been treated good in the past , ill be good to you . What a fucking joke , you turned out to be like every other fuckwit ive ever wasted my time with . It hurts . It hurts so much but who the fuck am i gonna tell ? Theres only so many times you can repeat the same story before people get bored but it still hurts just as much as the first day I found out you were just using me as a rebound . And then you get to sit back like nothing ever happened while your girlfriends threatening to smash me and making me out to be a shit cunt to anyone who will listen . How does that work ? Why do i have to be the one explaining myself over and over again like im the one whose in the wrong ? I have been interigated , threatened , shit talked and blocked by your psycho missus because you came up to me and fucked with my head . I find myself searching for you all the time , every possible car , house , shop , town . Where are you ? Its like you disappeared . I just want to be in your arms again . If i had known that that was the last night i wouldve sat up and talked to you for hours , finding out every little detail about you that you would find insignificant and i would find fascinating . I wish and i hope and i pray daily that ill hear from you . Youll apologise and ask to meet up and me beng the dumb bitch that i am would welcome you back with open arms . At the end of the day i think im just needing closure , this uncertainty of what has and what couldve been is fucking me up . Did you mean anything you said or was i always just a time filler ? Why me , do i look easy ? Am i weak ? Is it really you telling me to go away or your crazy fuck of a girlfriend ? I dunno what to do to make this pain end , im trying to carry on as i was before but its not the same . Im constantly tired , dont wanna go to work , grumpy , distracted , vacant , but most of all im lonely again . I feel like something is missing . Something that could be replaced by finally hearing from you . Fuck im dumb , i am so dumb .

boys-and-suicide-deactivated201

As you get older, you really start to understand more about why people drink the night away, smoke their lungs black, or throw themselves off buildings.

(via boys-and-suicide)