Dream on, Dreamer

What you see below this description are tiny fragments of what is thought to be my life. Simple dreams, hopes, and troubles all mixed in the same pot for all of those who stop by to take a glance, and be inspired.

[extramadness]

[extramadness]

[meaganfdriscoll]

If this is it, I want him to know it's not his fault.

[meaganfdriscoll]

All I wanted was a reason to live.

[meaganfdriscoll]

I've got a lot on my mind.

I stopped taking my meds. Not necessarily on purpose. I'm mad at myself for not taking them actually.Im an adult, I shouldn't need reminding to take a medication that is so much needed. I should just have a routine and it be a part of it. Even when I look directly at the vial, I still don't take it. Like I want myself to be miserable today, tomorrow, and forever. I turn into this bottle full of emotions. I'm like a 2 liter of Coke. Weird, I know, but bare with me. On my meds, regularly, I'm like the 2 liter with 1 Mentos in it. Fizzy, a little on edge, but its bearable. Off my medication, I'm the bottle with 2 Mentos in it. Ready to explode. The smallest things make me cry, panic, or shut down. I hate that I let myself come to this point. The point where I can't sleep. Can't smile, or even fake it for that matter. Why is my damn brain wired so poorly? Because nothing in my life too terrible has made me this way. I've had a normal life. I should be happy. I shouldn't need a pill to trick my brain into being okay.

I hate being alone. When I'm medicated, I love being cooped up reading or watching tv. Off of it though, it's like I'm too alone. I'm just stuck here and I'm alone against my will. I want to go out. I want to have a life and make friends, but there's these roots that have grounded me to these floors.

At least when I'm home, I have my best friend who goes through the same things. We're there for each other when our minds get all fucked up. And the best part: we don't even have to talk about it. We just know and pretend that life is normal. And that makes it so great because we need to pretend life is normal for it to, for once, just be normal.

[meaganfdriscoll]

I wish I had the courage to thank his family for everything they've done for me before this all crashes and burns.

Up here, I have no one. But his mom would always take the time to invite me to things or just shoot me a text asking how I'm doing.

I hope they know they're appreciated. I hope they know how much I love them.

[extramadness]

[meaganfdriscoll]

All I want is to be treated right. Instead, I've been left alone. I've been constantly battling with the demons in my mind telling me I'm not good enough for you; today, they won.

[meaganfdriscoll]

I've been so focused on making you happy that I didn't realize you weren't doing the same for me.

[meaganfdriscoll]

I'm so tired of going to bed alone.

He's right here beside me, but he feels 10 million miles away.

I hear a sigh as I cry myself to sleep.

What once was someone who would hold me until I would stop having a panic attack is now someone who pretends to sleep so he doesn't have to deal with them.

What did I do wrong? What did I to drive him away. To no longer care or want a future with me?

I just want my happiness, but more importantly,

I want his.

[twloha]

I’ve come a long way in managing my depression and anxiety. I’ve heard the voices of suicide, and took the steps to stay instead. It’ll never feel easy, and I have a long way to go, forever really, but I want to. Need to.

Candace Ganger, “What Depression Looks Like When You’re a Mom” (via twloha)

[twloha]

You do not decide my worth. You do not decide my hopes. You do not decide if I live. You do not decide me. You are an emotion. You are not my good days, and I am not my bad days. You are not my existence.

Kaytlin Killion, “To My Monster: You Do Not Decide” (via twloha)

I needed this.

[meaganfdriscoll]

I don't even feel like I'm in a relationship anymore.

[meaganfdriscoll]

Sometimes I dream of running off to Tennessee, alone. Just me and my dogs. A back up plan if he decides that he's no longer happy.

And sometimes I feel like I should make the decision for him. He'd be happier without me by his side. I mean, I'm barely there now, anyway. He won't let me be there.

I just want love to be enough for him. I want to be enough.

[meaganfdriscoll]

I didn't take my meds today.

I've only thought about self harm only half a dozen times, so I guess that's a plus, right?

[meaganfdriscoll]

I'm finally having a good day. I feel good about myself, and that's such a new concept for me.

[meaganfdriscoll]

Growing up, I would steal all of my feelings and put them in jar. I was told that those feelings aren't real. It was dumb to feel that way.

Recently that bottle burst, and I'm a mess of everything that I hid from the world. Wearing my disease on sleeve.

I'm still conscience of what others think. "Do they think I'm a cry for help?" "Because I'm this way, I have no one." "If I were normal, I'd actually keep a friend around longer than a few days."

I moved to a new place hoping for a fresh start, and all I got was realization of who I am.

I am broken.

I am alone.

I am worthless.

I am unfixable.