Just Writing Things

A place for my recreational writing to be seen. Please do not use anything without my permission, though reblogs are encouraged. I'm always open to feedback and happy to give it. Message me! (Main blog: degstiel.tumblr.com)

[mineowncreationizm]

"When My Time Comes" - rough draft 6/10/2025

The other day

I played fetch

With a dog

Who is dying

She wasn't sad

Or deflated

She zoomed around-

Happily bouncing

In anticipation

Of the frisbee being thrown

She doesn't know

That she is dying-

That her time is

Much more limited

Than it has any right to be

She was just happy

To play a game

In the sun

I hope that

When my time

Is on the horizon

I can approach it

With the same

Nonchalant glee

Of that dog

Who does not know

That she is dying

[mineowncreationizm]

"Do Not Bury Me"

Rough draft - 9/13/24

When I die

Do not bury me

In the waste of space

That is a cemetary-

Essentially just a golf course

That holds memories.

When I die,

First strip away

Every usable piece

Of my physical body-

Give it all away

So that others may live.

After that, the choice

Is yours.

You can compost me,

Feed me to a tree,

Toss me in the woods

To be eaten by coyotes,

Or out in the swamp

To become a bog mummy.

If you burn me to ash

You could scatter me

Wherever it makes you most happy.

You could keep me in a jar

For all to see

Or in a closet

So you don't have to face

The memory.

If you must bury me,

Do it somewhere where I can be

Returned to the earth

And feed those

Who come after me-

The plants

And the bugs

And those that they feed.

But whatever you do

Do not bury me

In the desolate landscape

Of a cemetary.

A place of no growth-

No wildlife-

No trees.

What we do with the dead

Is ultimately for the living.

But I do have these wishes-

Donate everything that can be used

And do not bury me

In a box

In a cemetary.

-Emma J. Beyor

[mineowncreationizm]

One of the things I don't often hear talked about when we talk about loss and grief is the moment of switching to past tense.

We no longer say, "they love ____ ," "they always say_____ ," or, "they call those ______ ."

"Love" becomes "loved."

"Say" becomes "said."

"Call" becomes "called."

Every verb ever used in regards to them is now past tense- every single one. No more present. No more future. We talk about them now exclusively in the things they used to do and say. Everything is now former- now past.

"They loved ______ ."

"They always said ______ ."

"They used to call those ________ ."

And it's heartbreaking. It's heartbreaking that they will never discover anything new or do anything in the present tense ever again.

Their entire existence boils down to "was" and "were."

And then the forgetting happens.

The voice goes first.

And then the face.

And then memories start to get fuzzy.

The forgetting is slow, but the instant change to past tense is the Harbinger of the forgetting.

They will never again be here for us to make new memories with- for us to hear their voice, see their face, touch their skin. Their being is gone.

All we can hold onto is the memory of what and who used to be.

Of what there was.

Of what they did.

Of who they were.

Overnight the present and future tenses are gone forever, leaving us only with the past to look back on. 💔

[mineowncreationizm]

"This Wasn't Really My Loss"

Rough draft 9/4/2024

Everything is gray

And I don't know what to do

Because this wasn't really my loss

Yet I am hurting, too.

I know I must keep moving-

The world doesn't stop

And this wasn't really my loss-

No cause for me to drop.

The world feels empty

With another loved one gone.

This wasn't really my loss

But still, it feels so wrong.

Life can be so short-

A jarring fact to face.

This wasn't really my loss,

Yet still this vacant space.

Everything is gray

And there's nothing I can do.

This wasn't really my loss,

And yet, I feel it, too.

-Emma J. Beyor

[mineowncreationizm]

Silence

Rough Draft- Written 7/11/2023

I am learning

To hold space

For silence

I have spent

My whole life

Hardly breathing

Between words

My mind

Is never quiet

Sometimes

The clamor of thoughts

Is so deafening

It has to pour out

From my mouth-

My throat-

Lest I explode

From the pressure

But

I am not

The only one

With a noisy mind

To give them

Room to have a voice

I need to learn

To give them

The courtesy

Of silence

Not every minute

Second

Moment

Must be filled with words

Sometimes silence

Says more

Than my voice

Ever could

[mineowncreationizm]

Social Rules I Do Not Abide By

Rough Draft- 6/27/2023

When the man at the rental car shop

Asks me our relation

I have to pause

Before opening my mouth

The man already knows

That the woman who just left

Is my partner

I am so proud to be with you

But if I call you my husband

I do not know

How the man will respond

I also do not know

If he sees the name

Of your wife on the policy

If he does

It would call my answer into question

Because according to the normal rules

You may have only one

And so,

When the man at the rental car shop

Asks me our relation-

I grit my teeth

And just say, "family"

[mineowncreationizm]

"Do Not Feel Bad For The Dead"

Rough draft- written 7/15/2022

Do not feel bad for the dead.

They aren't hurting,

They aren't lonely,

They aren't in pain.

Whatever they are,

wherever they are-

They are free.

Free from the torments of the mortal realm-

Free from pain-

Free from sorrow,

from mourning,

from fear-

Free from all the awful things

The world has to offer.

The dead no longer suffer-

The suffering is passed to

Those left behind.

They get to be free

And we remain,

Holding onto all our broken pieces-

All our emptiness and grief.

The pain of death

Isn't felt by the dead

But instead by the living.

The ones left behind

Live with air sucked from our lungs-

Blood drained from our veins-

Color sapped from our worlds-

The dead no longer suffer-

Instead we carry their suffering

As a final tribute to their lives.

The dead are free-

But we, the left behind,

Are trapped in our mourning.

We learn to live with less oxygen-

Less blood-

Less color.

We learn to live-

Holding all our broken pieces-

Helping others hold their broken pieces-

Until it is our turn to be free.

Do not feel bad for the dead.

The ones who are bleeding are living.

~Emma J. Beyor

[mineowncreationizm]

I Love You More

When I told you

I love you more

Than I love them

I don't think

You fully believed me.

The thing is

Truth doesn't care

What you believe.

I spoke the truth.

I choose you

And I will keep choosing you

Forever.

I will keep loving you

Forever.

-Emma J. Beyor

[thatanimallady]

Coming to Terms With Myself

In a society that has formed a very distinct idea of what a person should be, I found it hard for a very long time to be true to myself. There exists a set of boxes that social conditioning bids us all to jam ourselves into- some people naturally gravitate to these boxes while others find them uncomfortable, cramping, and unnatural. For at least some of these societal boxes, I fall into the latter category, and yet I spent a lot of time trying desperately to fit myself in the box of who the world wanted me to be. I didn’t even fully realize I was doing it initially. Social pressure and conditioning can be very potent. Indeed, rather than recognizing that these boxes just weren’t made for me, I instead thought there was something wrong with me for being the way that I am. I thought that somehow, even though I didn’t feel like it was the case, that some of my feelings must be inauthentic because how could they not be? The narrative I was force fed from the time I was so young that I don’t even recall it dictated that existing as I’m truly inclined to is wrong. It took far too long for me to reject that conditioning and accept myself, regardless of what the world might think of me for doing so.

I am demisexual and polyamorous. 

The first of these is something I acknowledge about myself but often won’t claim aloud, instead favouring to simply explain how attraction works for me. I am still not fully comfortable claiming the identity because even the community that is supposed to support it often doesn’t, especially in my case because while I am demisexual, I am not otherwise queer. I am straight and demisexual. This affords me a level of privilege that some others don’t get because it means I pass for being ordinary in that regard. I love often and I love fully. I love in many ways, romantic love being only one form I experience. For me, romantic love and sexual attraction only ever extend to men. While it only extends to a small group of men whom I am already close with prior to developing any romantic or sexual attraction, it still only extends to men. I also happen to have a high sex drive, making me pass even more for ordinary. But while my drive is high, my attraction is limited. If I don’t romantically love the person, sexual attraction just doesn’t exist for me. I can recognize attractiveness from an aesthetic point of view, but only in the same way I might find a beautiful painting or a horse to be aesthetically pleasing. When I explain this to people, they seldom really understand what I mean. Unfortunately, because I can easily pass for having a “normal” sexuality, I don’t feel truly welcome in the LGBTQIA+ or aspec communities. I have a high drive, so I don’t belong with asexuals. I am attracted only to the opposite sex, so I don’t belong with the “LGB” part of the acronym either. I often feel that this part of myself is trapped on an island with no community who understands or wants me, and that trying to be part of the communities that are most like me in that regard would be overstepping and intruding on a space that isn’t for me. I am glad there is a word for this part of me, and yet I do not feel that I can truly claim it for fear of stepping on someone else’s proverbial toes. 

The second of these is something that I knew in my heart about myself for quite some time before I truly accepted it. There is a lot of social pressure to be monogamous. So much in fact that for quite awhile I not only tried to convince the outside world that I fit into that box, but I also tried to convince myself. It made me miserable. Every time I loved someone other than my partner while I had a partner I felt horribly guilty. The narrative I’d been fed for as long as I can remember dictated that if I fell in love with another person, I obviously couldn’t possibly have loved the first one. If I loved the first one at all, then clearly I at the very least didn’t love them enough. Instead of recognizing the fault in the narrative, I tried to guilt myself into letting go of feelings that I couldn’t shake. It made me unhappy. Even when I started to accept it and told my partners when these things happened, I didn’t really accept myself. I still felt guilty. I still tried to shove myself in the box. It was futile. The harder I tried to fit in the box, the smaller and more uncomfortable the box felt. When I finally gave in and rejected that box it felt as though an elephant had taken one of its feet off my chest after having been holding it there, bearing down on me for years. Sometimes I feel like a bad poly person because I only have one partner right now. I feel like even though I’ve accepted my true self that it doesn’t really count unless I have multiple partners at all times. I know that isn’t true, but it is how I often feel. 

At the very least, none of the feelings about my lack of community cause me to refuse to be my authentic self anymore. I rejected the first boxes prescribed to me and I will reject the new ones, too. I am happier being true to myself. 

The world looks at me and tells me that it’s impossible to love multiple people at once. The world looks at me and tells me that I’m not demisexual, I’m just picky. The world looks at me and tells me that demisexuality is a made up identity for people who just want to feel special. The world looks at me and tells me that I am being taken advantage of for being with someone so much older than me, especially when they have another partner already. The world looks at me and tells me that my love for more than one person at one time is disgusting and dishonest. 

I am fed up with the world bossing me around. This is my life and I will live it as my authentic self. The world is wrong about me and about the communities that I identify with, but don’t quite fit in. At least for me, these things about me have never made me feel special, but rather an outsider. They make it hard to relate to a lot of people who just don’t or won’t understand- who often refuse to even try to understand. I am standing up for myself. The only person who gets to tell me how to live my life is myself. 

I am polyamorous. 

I am demisexual. 

I am valid. 

[thatanimallady]

Help DV Victim In Need

I came across this woman's story on Facebook today and my heart broke. Please do anything you can to help. Signal boost the fuck out of this and donate if you can. I'm just so small...but together all of us small people can do pretty big things.

Facebook post: https://www.facebook.com/groups/1259852177422636/permalink/3059679847439851/

Fundly link: https://fundly.com/domestic-abuse-emergency?ft_src=EmailCommunityTemplateWelcome&ft_sid=28236192&ft_aid=706334&ft_uid=2860132

[mineowncreationizm]

Hi Daddy

Hi Daddy.

I miss you a lot,

But now

It only hurts from time

To time.

Life has been hard,

Daddy,

Ever since you left.

Mom got remarried,

Daddy,

But he doesn't love her

Like you used to.

She really loves him,

Daddy,

But never stopped

Missing you.

The girls miss you,

Daddy,

Though it's hard

For them to remember.

I wish you were here,

Daddy,

To raise them

Like Nathaniel, Belle, and me.

I wish you were here,

Daddy,

To support us all

In our endeavours.

I really miss you,

Daddy,

But I know

How to exist with that now.

I'm working on myself,

Daddy,

Trying to make

Mistakes of my past

Set right.

I stopped

Doing well in school,

Daddy…

Would you still

Be proud of me?

I fell off my pedestal,

But daddy,

I'm working hard

To be better

Without acting above.

I have a job now,

Daddy,

And I'm working full time.

I don't know

If you'd like it

But I hope that

Even in retail,

Daddy,

You'd still be proud of me.

I'm working on

Climbing that ladder,

Daddy-

On making my own success.

I never forgot

What you told me,

Daddy,

About doing things right

The first time;

I try to live by that.

I'm married now,

Daddy,

And I wish

That you could meet him.

I think you'd like him,

Daddy,

But I doubt I'd have

Ever met him

If you had never gone.

Until the last few years,

Daddy,

I could never have guessed

This is who I'd become.

I really miss you,

Daddy,

It's been hard since

You went away,

But I'm learning how

To live with it

With every passing day.

I think I'm finally

Proud of who I am,

Daddy,

And who I am becoming.

Losing you taught me

That I can rise above

Anything life can throw at me.

I really miss you,

Daddy,

And I wish

I could see you still.

I can't remember

Your voice,

Daddy,

And that hurts

More than I had

Ever thought it would.

I can remember

What you said, though,

Daddy,

And I cling to it

Like nothing else.

I have dreams now,

Daddy,

And I won't rest

Until I've made them.

I really miss you,

Daddy,

And I hope

You can see me still.

I wouldn't change it,

Daddy,

But it hurts even so.

We really miss you,

Daddy-

I hope you're proud of us.

Life has been hard

Without you,

Daddy,

But we're stronger for

The loss.

We never got to

Say goodbye,

Daddy,

And it's probably just as well.

We really love you,

Daddy-

We always, always will.

-Emma J. Beyor

[leopard-prompts]

whump dialog prompt list

1. “Can you hear me? Do you know what day it is? Your name?”

2. “I- I can’t see! I can’t see anything!”

3. “No! Don’t leave me here alone!”

4. “I don’t know how much longer I can take this…”

5. “Don’t worry, this will only hurt a little bit. Maybe.”

6. “No no no no no! I can’t be here! I need to go!”

7. “You promised me- you promised!”

8. “I can’t live without you…”

9. “You can’t sleep yet, kid, I need you to stay awake.”

10. “If we don’t go now, we are all going to die.”

11. “We can’t just leave them here, they’ll never get out on their own!”

12. “Throwing up is one of the symptoms.”

13. “You’re all that I have left!”

14. “I trusted you to keep them safe, and you couldn’t even do that?!”

15. “You know, it took me a long time to decide on food poisoning.”

16. “She’s going into shock-”

17. “He’s hemorrhaging!” 

18. “Maybe the ghosts will take you away.”

19. “You can’t tell me you didn’t care! Not after everything!”

20. “Maybe this will keep that big mouth of yours shut.”

21. “You were severely dehydrated and malnourished.” 

22. “Apply pressure, i’ll be back soon.”

23. “I promise.”

24. “And if something were to happen to you… I don’t think I could take it.”

25. “You were missing for days!”

26. “You shouldn’t go alone, remember last time?”

27. “He’s seizing!” 

28. “You’ve been out for a few months…”

29. “Because I couldn’t live with myself if you got hurt!”

30. “Just because I did it doesn’t mean you should too.”

31. “I told you I had a weak heart…”

32. “I have something I need to tell you, but, uh- maybe we should find a place a little more… Quiet.”

33. “Who are you again?”

34. “I thought you were smarter than that!”

35. “You really think that that is still an option?!”

36. “All we can do now is wait.”

37. “I wanted you to be better than me.”

38. “Couldn’t you do something?! We can’t just- just give up!”

39. “This is a matter of life and death, make the wrong move, the wrong choice, and they’re dead. You hear me?”

40. “It’s been 6 years!”

41. “Granted, this has never worked before, so really we’re just hanging onto hope with this one.”

42. “Go grab the first aid kit, and be quick!”

43. “Were did you get all these bruises from?”

44. “You’re just like your father!” 

45. “If I die before I wake, I pray the lord my soul to take.” 

46. “I don’t think she has much longer, you should say your goodbyes while she’s still with us.”

47. “Before you go, I have a little something I would like to share with you!”

48. “Fight like you mean it!”

49. “You’re just some drunken bastard that can’t do anything right!”

50. “If I never see you again, just know that I love you so, so much…”

[thatanimallady]

Help For a Dog

For Spoiled Pets

This beautiful girl is coming to us next week and will need extensive help. She has aggression issues and can barely walk at this point. We

This is my Tessa who I have to give up due to the fact that my husband’s son (who is 15) is absolutely terrified of her and feels unsafe in his own home. Anything less and I’d keep trying with her myself, but this is something I can’t fix, no matter how much work I do with her. Even if I could fix all of her behavioural issues right now, I would still likely have to do this because that kind of fear really sticks.

This shelter is wonderful and I’ve been communicating with them about the situation, they have just been waiting for space. I want better for her, and I’m hoping they can help her and find her a situation where she is happier than she is now. This is the fundraiser they’ve posted to try to get some donations for the medical tests and stuff she’s going to need right off (I haven’t had the money since taking over her care from a friend several months back). Please donate if you can.

I love her so much and I’m going to miss her. My hands are tied and my heart is breaking, but this is what I have to do.

Even if you think I’m trash for this, if you can donate for her please do anyway. Your opinion of me has nothing to do with her. She deserves and needs more and better than I’m capable of offering her currently, given that I work much of the time. I’m just trying to help give it to her somehow.

Thanks.

(P.S. There is a comment amending some of the original description on the OP because she misunderstood some of our conversation and I corrected her upon noticing it.)

[thatanimallady]

PSA- Attention Seeking Isn’t Bad!

I would like to say something of great importance.

“Looking for attention” should not be considered a bad thing! We are a social species. People need attention! It’s a psychological need on a biological and evolutionary level!

We should be able to ask for attention when we need it and not be ripped apart for it. Needing attention is not bad. Wanting attention is not something to be ashamed of. Seeking out attention is not something to vilify.

MAYBE if we as a culture would promote healthy socialization and stop pushing the idea that people should be just fine on their own- when we evolved to be a social species- maybe, just maybe, we’d have clearer communication and people wouldn’t feel the need to seek attention through such harmful means as are commonplace currently (fighting, hurting themselves, sad posting to get pity, etc.) as often.

If you need attention, ask for it. If someone (especially someone you care about) expresses a need for attention (however subtle), OBLIGE THEM! We are a social species. Stop writing off people who are clearly attempting to get the attention that they are feeling starved of as “attention whores.”

Receiving and giving attention is vitally important to our success and well-being as individuals, as a species, and as a society. It’s such a vital need that infants that have their physiological needs met but have no human contact DIE, and those with minimal contact have delayed development compared to those who had sufficient/plentiful contact! Get over yourselves and get with the program!

This has been a PSA.

An addendum: If I see one comment about lone wolves I might scream. It’s a far more apt analogy than those who use it think it is, but not for the reason they use it for. Wolves are also social creatures. Wolves without packs usually die after awhile. They need each other…just like we need each other.

[mineowncreationizm]

Not exactly writing, but important so reblogging it here anyway.

[wordsnstuff]

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[radicel-archive]

fuck it

i dont want girls sexualising mlm relationships anymore. at all

i dont want them fetishizing our relationships bc they think it’s sexy

i dont care if its a “way for them to express their sexuality”. that aint right and its messed that they can say that they want men in the porn industry to stop fetishizing wlw relationships, only to do the same bc its “fandom”

[radicel-archive]

can yall please reblog this actually ??

bc like. im a boy attracted to boys. and this is making me uncomfortable and i want it to stop

and im not the only one ? a handful of people have agreed with me and im sure there are more

please dont ignore this bc you want to keep writing/drawing/reading m/m porn…. or bc im a boy and you dont care what i have to say….. especially if you disagree with the treatment of wlw in the porn industry its a double standard and this is important to me and i dont want it to be swept under the rug

[transboybrock]

Add on: you can still write, draw and read about mlm without fetishizing them. By fetishization, OP means that you only see these relationships as sexy and sinful instead of just seeing it as average everyday relationships.

Nearly every girl I’ve met within fandoms with mlm ships has only focused on the men having sex or calling them ‘my nasty gay babies’ and that’s just gross.

[theinkstainsblog]

We’re all writers here so I thought it important that y’all see this and take note. 

[theliteraryarchitect]

What “Editing” Really Means

The idea of “editing” a story can be deceptive. So often writers fall victim to the fantasy that they can just read through their first draft, change a few awkward sentences, and be done with the editing process.

But even on a 3th or 4th draft, “editing” often means making substantial structural and developmental changes.

In other words, serious revision. Moving scenes around. Changing the point of view. Cutting. Composing new material. Realizing that what comes halfway though the story is actually the beginning. Having new insights about your main character’s motivations that require you to make substantial revisions to almost every scene.

So often I see beginning writers who imagine writing as a three step process: (1) Write the first draft; (2) “Edit” it; (3) Publish.

If that actually works and leaves those writers feeling satisfied, then more power to them. But what many people think of as “editing,” in my experience,  simply doesn’t represent the kind of bloodshed that the revision process often entails. Personally, my writing process is long, messy, unpredictable, and can involve upwards of 15 drafts.

So just know that if the process isn’t easy or quick, you’re not doing anything wrong! Hemingway famously said: “Writing is rewriting.” It takes time. It can be messy. And it’s totally normal.

[byjillianmaria]

If I might add on, I’d also like to note that different projects require different revisions! If your first novel took 3 rewrites and your next one takes 10, or vice versa, it doesn’t mean that you’ve gotten any worse! It’s just what the manuscript needs.