Mir Mir

learning to fly

[mir88cee]

progress report

(weekends don’t count because i had already been making the most of them as those were the only two days i felt alive)

monday blues are often the norm for me, but on this particularly chill monday, i…

made sub-par kimchi

meal prepped tuna salad for tomorrow

cooked myself dinner

fed a cat

walked 2.4 miles

took out the recycling

consolidated and gifted excess cosmetics

listened to music during downtime (new artist i found was se so neon)

checked on my health appointment

[mir88cee]

accountability and documentation of alone time: a strategic plan for self-development

aims:

reclaim personality

gain a sense of security/confidence

accelerate consumption and knowledge uptake on key areas such as the performing arts, creative expression, happiness

[mir88cee]

the 40-hour work week has sidelined me in my own life

She wants to work, she wants external validation in her contributions. She's just a small cog in a big pharma money making machine.

She wants to be valued for more than her existence. She used to dance, she used to dj, she used to captivate her lover.

But lately it's been

______work

________eat

__________sleep

____________occasional exercise 2-3x/week

______________lots of couch & sitting in general

A sad, pitiful existence.

Gotta go to work.

To pay for some space in this world.

[mir88cee]

i don’t even work thaaattttt hard and even i don’t want to go back to work tomorrow

reallyyyyyy enjoyed my PTO of the past week in hawaii and the suburbs of philly

contemplating just not having kids and keeping expenses low so i can just retire early…..

also wedding diet starts NOW t-32 days

[mir88cee]

vacation in my 30s

It feels like every “it” girl vlogger on youtube rebrands herself once she turns 30

living alone in my 30s

living in nyc in my 30s

making it count in my 30s

a day in my life in my 30s

etc etc

well i am finally 30 and im grateful to have a stable life partner, a stable job, and stable physical and mental health.

and now that i am “worked” but not “overworked,” (or even worked like i was as a nurse) these past few weeks i’ve just been looking forward to vacation. drank the corporate juice enough to climb one ladder and im exhausted.

i needed the type of vacation where i can look pretty and turn my brain off. where i turn my phone on “do not disturb” and eat dessert for dinner.

what i didn’t quite expect was to be so

tired in my 30s

a moment i would like to remember from this trip was when my partner and i took motion sickness pills for our boat ride to a sand bar and ended up sleeping pretty much 90% of the time.

and when we pushed ourselves too hard to hike up a mountain only for me to get a dehydration migraine and a 2.5 hour recovery nap.

what’s also interesting about this vacation is that we visited here 4 years ago in our mid 20s. we were younger, fitter, earned half as much as we do now, and much more frugal. we were thirsty for travel and packed our days so much that planning for this trip was easy because we did so many of the main attractions already.

this time, vacation is much more about taking it slow and sleeping a lot. maybe too much.

i’m not sure if it’s the sleep debt, the food coma, or the older age. but i’m building my preferences for the quieter life (in my 30s lol).

[mir88cee]

hypothetical dating profile prompts responses

i’ll brag about you to my friends if: you can cut off other girls you like and girls who like you back or need you more than just a friend

hi from me and my pet: i have two dogs and they have small dick energy, what about you?

my greatest strength: forgiveness and taking you back

my most irrational fear: you fall for our mutual female friend, text her everyday in secret, and meet up once a month for the whole day and then come back and tell me you haven’t caught feelings for her or you won’t catch feelings again yet proceed to text her everyday in secret

this year, i really want to: be less sad

saying hi in as many languages as i know: (in the openers you text to other girls you like) hello hello pce pce sup sup how was your weekend

i go crazy for: lonely second gen chinese girls who have no friends and/or are in a loveless relationship/single

[mir88cee]

why i’m not walking grad

i didn’t feel like walking for graduation because i didn’t take my board licensing exam to become a nurse practitioner because i’m having conflicted feelings about being a nurse practitioner.

i love my job at my local dept of health and feel valued for my thoughts and not just my time. i enjoy the flexible hours as long as my work output is high quality. i like the multitude of projects i can work on or contribute to.

i feel like a nurse practitioner job is just so restricting for how much i actually think about the world outside of medicine and research and writing. i love writing well. i write well. and i think hard.

the peds faculty in my msn program burned me out before i even started. terrible ending to an otherwise terrific education program. i just felt overworked and belittled by the main peds faculty.

i feel like i should have gone the healthcare management consulting route after college, but i was not in a position after college to get any of those jobs so i felt pushed to grad school and nurse practitioner in particular because of its similarities to being a doctor, my mom’s dream for me.

i love working hybrid/remote. best thing ever.

if it weren’t for my current job, maybe i would have gone the more linear path, but maybe i’m onto something even bigger and better for me.

i used to write on this blog about my postgrad woos after undergrad and after my absn and wow things are very different now.

i really should be applying to more jobs based in charleston or fully remote as there is low likelihood i can keep my current job once i move south :(

[mir88cee]

i’m such a hypocrite

it’s so easy to go from openly dissing kathleen in front of andrew to telling him i’m looking at wedding rings the very next minute

if i keep up this behavior, i don’t think he’ll really forgive me so easily.

even tho i’m the one who has to do the forgiving for taking him back after he texted kathleen behind my back yet again just like old times like nothing changed the past two years. but then he has to forgive me for becoming more crabby and bitter. which i guess is hard because he’s done so much to make me insecure and not trust him. but like, i’m stronger than this. i need to overcome this.

my post on subtle asian women finally got approved. no surprise it was a bunch of posts telling me to dump him because he obviously still has feelings for kathleen, which can weirdly coexist with whatever feelings he has for me. there were also posts on there calling me jealous, insecure, and in need of therapy.

i’m glad the post didn’t get approved until 2 months after i posted it because in the two months i’ve processed my sadness and anger just enough for it to not derail my life.

[mir88cee]

just move on, you have a lot more choice and agency in your life

r.m.

[mir88cee]

whenever i look at hiking in the greater pa area

i get so sad

nothing is as pretty as california

[mir88cee]

another message

from kathleen

today

after andrew told her he was cutting ties 2 weeks ago

[mir88cee]

andrew be out here working on himself finding new music and stuff and it’s been so long since i tried

guess i’ve just be busy trying in this relationship stuff

[mir88cee]

psa: andrew and i made up

i now think it shouldn't be as much of a risk for andrew to reach out and get the closure and his feelings across to kathleen like he always wanted.

i guess a guy is a keeper if u creep through his phone and don't admit it and then get caught and he uhh still wants loves you

but also like... my friend brought this point up: if he does have things to hide on his phone, it suggests he knew I was uncomfortable with this whole thing and still lied to still talk to kathleen

but i think after we talked at length last night, i had this revelation that reading through his texts really felt like reading through texts between a boyfriend and a girlfriend, not just texts between friends.

i just have to have to have to have to trust that he is truly committed to me and will wean this behavior of being kathleen's other boyfriend and i have to have to have to have to believe that he no longer wants to be kathleen's boyfriend...

[mir88cee]

so what’s it gonna be: my sadness or kathleen’s sadness?

[mir88cee]

i think i struggle with being away from andrew now because i have an even harder time trusting that he’s not talking to kathleen in a deeply emotional way

[mir88cee]

and don’t tell me to break up with him. because other than this kathleen part, he’s everything i want.

some may say that if i don’t accept that he needs kathleen in his life, then i don’t fully accept who he is… but him continuing this behavior also means he doesn’t fully accept me as enough for him.

but i’m having a really hard time accepting kathleen into our relationship as the secret third woman.

[mir88cee]

is love feeling bad for someone? because andrew feels bad for kathleen that she only studied in college and made no friends and that she is in a relationship with a weirdo.

does andrew not love me because there’s nothing to feel bad about for me? because i love myself enough that i can be left alone and forgotten?

i feel bad for myself that i have a boyfriend that’s emotionally cheated on me for practically all of my relationship.