Correct Behavior in All Things

I am not the queen Judith Martin herself, but post questions she's answered and essays she's written.

[miss--manners]

Dear Miss Manners:

I am feeling incorrect. What am I supposed to do if my mother and father get a divorce? How are my brother and sister and I supposed to react? Do we have to pick a parent to live with? If we don’t get or pick the other parent, to we get to see that parent a certain day or many days a week? If one parent asks us to do one thing and another parent another thing, which one do we listen to and why? Why does my brother, age six, hate my father so much? Please give me the answers because I can’t figure them out for myself and I need the advice.

Gentle Reader:

There is no reason for you to feel incorrect, now or in any confusion that may arise from your situation. It is a common mistake for those who have been put in an awkward situation by other to take it upon themselves the responsibility for the awkwardness. Perhaps your brother’s hatred is a feeling of resentment against the disruption of family life. Justified or not, it is likely to pass.

The fact is that all three of you children still have two parents. Whichever one you live with most, you will still be the children of the other. It is unlikely that you will have a say about when you will live where (but if you are consulted, Miss Manners urges you to go against your natural inclination and pick the one who makes irksome rules for you, not the one who lets you do whatever you want).

Your duty is to treat both of them with respect, and to obey the house rules of the one whose house you are in at any given moment. Miss Manners is sorry to spoil the game of But Daddy Lets Me Do Homework with the Television On or But Mommy Lets Me Eat Whatever I Want, but that constitutes incorrect behavior.

[miss--manners]

Dear Miss Manners:

I am a cleaning lady, and I also clean my church. My problem is that when I go to someone’s home for a social occasion where I am invited as a guest, I’m expected to help serve and clean up.

I had one lady hand me a dish towel when I came in, and was told to wipe off glasses and fix drinks while she visited with her guests. I don’t mind helping, but I think if you are an invited guest, you shouldn’t be expected to serve. How can I tell them nicely that I would like to be treated like the others?

Gentle Reader:

It is true that Miss Manners is in the business of putting sticky statements nicely, but suddenly she doesn’t feel so nice.

What these people are doing is outrageous. This is not helping a friend,as a guest may volunteer- but not be conscripted- to do. This is using a social pretext to get your professional services free.

Miss Manners has three suggestions for you, all of them polite but firm statements to deliver in a pleasant manner. Frankly she is hoping you will chose the third.

“Oh, my goodness, I misunderstood; I didn’t realize you wanted to hire me for the evening. Let me tell you what I charge.”

“I’m afraid you had better ask one of the other guests to help. I do this for a living, as you know, and so when I accept an invitation to go out, it’s only to relax.”

“You know, I’ve been doing this sort of thing all week, and suddenly I find that I’m tired. You will excuse me, but I think I will go home now to rest. Here’s your dish towel. Have a pleasant evening.”

[miss--manners]

Dear Miss Manners:

Is it proper to invite one’s family and friends to the hospital, preoperation of course, in order to make one’s bequests?

Gentle Reader:

The deathbed family gathering is a social event of such drama and excitement that Miss Manners cannot understand why it is so seldom staged in modern times. Perhaps potential hosts don’t feel up to it, or perhaps they think of it too late. Miss Manners commends your effort to keep such a vital custom alive.

Here are some guidelines:

Be sure to invite friends and relatives who are incompatible, if not sworn enemies. This is no time to consider who will be comfortable with whom. The thought of life’s fragility, as demonstrated by you, should keep them from killing one another, and it should give you a sense of peace to watch them all try to control their jealousy and greed.

It is not necessary, in fact it is unseemly, for you to provide any refreshment for your guests. You are feeding them hope, which is what people live on.

Keep your bequests vague. “I want to give you my most ancient and treasured possession” is better than “I’m leaving you my baseball card collection.” You don’t want your actual death to be an anticlimax.

Omit none of your guests from your speech. It is an ordinary social convention that no person should be left out, and it continues to apply in the deathbed scene. It is, after all, unforgivable to ask someone to make a special trip in order to be snubbed. In the spirit of vagueness described in (3), you may say, instead, “You, Cousin Atherton, may be assured that I have remembered everything you have done for me since we were children.”

It is not necessary, after this type of social event, for the host to make a quick exit. You may be happy to hear that it is perfectly correct to recover from the operation and, when you have regained your strength, to have a relapse and stage the entire event again, provided you vary the details to keep everyone alert.

[miss--manners]

Dear Miss Manners:

I suffer from several chronic illnesses. Neither illness is curable, but I have hope for the future.

I am is pain every day, and am quite fatigued. I have been made to quit so many of my hobbies and interests, as well as my job and volunteer work. My weeks are filled with visits to various physicians; I must take quite a lot of medications, and I require a lot of rest. Many days, I do not feel up to going out, but when I do, I take great care in my grooming and dress, so that I do not look hazard and sick, I am happy to stay close to home, but inevitably, some errand or social obligation will require me to go out.

How do I respond to people’s demands to know what is wrong with me? I do not like to discuss my illness, so I tend to say as little as possible. Also, how do I respond to the shocking and awful thing people say to me?

Some people demand to know what “they” are doing for me, why aren’t I cured by, now, and infer that my physicians are a bunch of charlatans. I have been accused of being a hypochondriac, needing a facial or a vacation, and told that if I would just have a baby or get a job, that I wouldn’t have time to be sick. I have been told that my illness does not exist, and that I need mental health counselling. These outbursts are made by family members, “friends”, and acquaintances of my husband.

When I am tired and in pain, these comments seem especially cruel. It would be easy to be snappish, or to remind these folks to mind their own business, but it is more painful to me to think that I have offended someone by my reply. How can I respond without alienating these folks?

Gentle Reader:

Like you, Miss Manners would very much not like to hear from people who believe the universal treatment is to talk about one’s illnesses to whoever is brash enough to ask, and that the only reason for refusing to do so is a false shame that stands in the way of recovery. Furthermore, she thinks that people who practice medicine without licences at least ought to observe the courtesy of not undermining the treatment of their legitimate colleagues.

As you say, it would be easy to be snappish back- but rude. It will be easier to be polite if you make it a practice to focus on their motivation- generously presuming it to be concern for you rather than nosiness- and to steadfastly ignore the rest.

Keep repeating “I appreciate your concern,” to whatever they say. Any attempt to explain your disease or defend your treatment admits them to a discussion of your case for which they are not eligible, socially or professionally.

[miss--manners]

Dear Miss Manners:

What is your response to a lewd remark?

Gentle Reader:

People do not make lewd remarks to Miss Manners. If they did, her response would be a sweet smile, accompanied by a naive but earnest request to explain exactly what the remark meant. The result would be that even if a person made a first lewd remark to Miss Manners, he would never make a second.

[miss--manners]

Dear Miss Manners:

My niece, married several years with two children (one newborn), discovered that her husband is a serial cheater. He travels on business weekly and routinely uses the Internet to set up liaisons in destination cities. She’s heartbroken, confused, and unsure of her next move.

How do I handle the next meeting with the scoundrel, which is likely to be a family gathering in my sister’s home? I know I can’t kill or even seriously wound him, but neither can I be the hail-fellow-well-met uncle of the past. Should I greet him with a flat “Hello,” and move away, leaving no doubt that I want no further conversation? Must I shake hands, which I would rather not? I don’t want to embarrass my sister or my niece, but I can’t pretend I’m glad to see the husband or even want to be in the same room with him even though we formerly were very friendly and have shared many happy times.

Gentle Reader:

Shunning scoundrels is one of society’s duties, sadly neglected by those who refuse to pass judgment, and who may also have discovered that scoundrels sometimes make lively companions. Miss Manners is glad to see that you are ready to do your part.

As you have noticed, it is a complicated part. However much you may want to protect society in general from cads, it is your niece in particular whose betrayal arouses you indignation. And she- understandably with a newborn baby- has not yet decided what she will do. She may reconcile with him, in which case cutting him off will cut you off from her. Even if she divorces him, she is likely to maintain some sort of relationship in regard to their children, and this may occasion your meeting him in your house or your sister’s. You are therefore not free to administer the worst snub, which is to refuse to shake his hand, hold any conversation with him, indeed, to recognize that he exists.

The setting you want, until you see what happens, is not freezing, but cool. The flat hello and turning away is fine, and if you turn away fast enough, you may be able to avoid shaking hands. In case of divorce, you can lower this to cold, which precludes anything but a curt nod, yet if there is a reconciliation, you can turn it up to lukewarm, adding short neutral conversation.

[miss--manners]

Dear Miss Manners:

When my father gets in a bad mood, he screams and shouts and carries on over the least little thing. This morning, it was the toaster. The toast wasn’t the way he likes it, or at least that’s what he said, and he yelled at the toaster. We think he was really mad at Mother, but he didn’t say anything to her, just kept banging at the poor innocent toaster. He was completely out of control. Isn’t that considered bad manners?

Gentle Reader:

No, and that is not considered being out of control, either. Everyone must shout once in a while, and it is both correct and disciplined to remember that appliances are meant to be shouted at, but people are not.

[miss--manners]

Dear Miss Manners:

My wife objects if I use her bath towel when mine isn’t handy by. Don’t you think that kind of “formality” is a bit much?

Gentle Reader:

Certainly not. Your wife is quite right. Marriage is no excuse for that sort of intimacy.

[miss--manners]

Dear Miss Manners:

Friends of ours have had a daughter who has just learned the joys of speaking. Lately, when I’ve been speaking to the mother on the phone and little Olga has been in the vicinity and has expressed a desire to speak to me, mother immediately puts her on the phone. I am then obliged to say “Hi!” to which the reply is a knowing “Hi!” Unless I continue asking questions or otherwise blubbering something to which the reply is never anything but a monotonic blurt, there could be minutes of silence.

I have reached the point where I dread calling my friend, for having to experience the above-described delight. I have learned from this and will never attempt such a thing with my future children and friends. Help, if you would be so kind. My friend does not work, so there is rarely an opportunity to talk with her when Olga is not nearby.

Gentle Reader:

Miss Manners is pleased to hear that you have learned from this experience. No one except a grandparent should be expected to hold telephone conversations with people who have not yet learned conversation (as opposed from learning “to talk”), and even they should not be pushed too far. You might try making the child feel important by entrusting her with a message. The message is, “Tell Mommy I said bye-bye”

[miss--manners]

Dear Miss Manners:

When an acquaintance interrupts himself while telling an uncompelling story to ask, with sincere concern, “Am I boring you?” what is the proper reply?

Gentle Reader:

“Good heavens, no. I hope you don’t think I was yawning because I’m bored. Not in the least. Please go on.”

The morally alert will now seize on the possibility that this may not be the rigid truth. Miss Manners does not apologize for that. The virtue of truth-telling does not always trump the necessity for kindness.

[miss--manners]

Dear Miss Manners: 

After attending a recital in which a friend had taken part, I was asked by the friend what I thought of his performance. What would be the proper response for a poor performance? Should one give a detailed criticism of the faults and merits, or simply a pat on the back, “very good,” etc.? And for an exceedingly good one, is bubbling enthusiasm appropriate, or merely a standard compliment?

Gentle Reader:

Bubbling enthusiasm is appropriate for poor and exceedingly good performances alike, the idea being to deliberately to confuse the performer about which one he gave. This is what friends are for. Music teachers and music critics are for other purposes.

[miss--manners]

Dear Miss Manners:

What do you do when someone makes a bigoted remark or tells a joke with a slur in it? These offend me- and not only when my own race is the target. Should I show that I am offended? Should I keep quiet- doesn’t silence indicate some kind of endorsement? Are there any guidelines about how to behave in connection with such remarks or jokes?

Gentle Reader:

Certainly there are. There are guidelines for everyone, regardless of...

 Bigoted jokes or expressions are properly used only by members of the group being slurred, addressed to other members of that group. A nonmember would be well advised not to join in the fun. When an ethnic joke is told among nonmembers of the group, disapproval may be expressed by a stony face and a frosty smile.

If a nonmember slurs a group of which you are obviously a member, you may walk haughtily out of the room; inquire menacingly, “Just what do you mean by that?”; or otherwise indicate that you are insulted. Not enough ladies take advantage of this opportunity.

If a nonmember slurs a group without knowing you are a member or have some other close connection, you may convey this information (”Perhaps you don’t know my wife is black”). In this case, there is no need to emphasize it with angry behavior- the statement is more devastating if given in a simple, factual way.

The only effective recovery that the offender may offer is a counterclaim. “Oh really? So am I.” If that is not even remotely possible, one must at least dredge up a second cousin; “best friends” won’t do. Nor will the common mutter “I was only kidding.” Bolstering the remark with “Don’t you people have any sense of humor?” only compounds the problem.

If you are running for political office or are contemplating ever running for political office, train yourself never to let any such words pass your lips.

Dirty jokes in unmixed company- that is to say, jokes that depend on a shared belief in the inferiority of the other gender- are not safe any longer either. Nowadays you can never tell when people might care more for those with whom they live than those with whom they share public bathrooms.

Jokes that make fun of the teller’s own wealth, ancient lineage, or prestigious school or neighborhood are successful only among those who share these handicaps.

Jokes about other people’s proper names are never successful. For one thing, the people have all heard every possible one before. You will never manage to satirize anybody’s name in a fashion he has not heard since nursery school, and Miss Manners isn’t even going to tell you the name of the person who first told you that.

The only truly safe and proper subject for a joke is oneself. Many a person who thought this privilege extended to his or her spouse, parent or child, has lived- but not very long- to find otherwise.

[miss--manners]

Dear Miss Manners:

What do you consider to a good conversation opener?

Gentle Reader:

Almost anything except, “I’ve been on a wonderful journey of self-discovery lately, and I’d like to share it with you.”

[miss--manners]

“Ladies,” “Women” and “Girls”

“Lady,” “woman” and “girl” are all perfectly good words, but misapplying them can earn one anything from the charge of vulgarity to a good swift smack. We are messing here with matters of deference, condescension, respect, bigotry and two vague concepts, age and rank. It is troubling enough to get straight who is really what. Those who deliberately misuse the terms in a misbegotten attempt at flattery are asking for it.

A woman is any grown-up female person. A girl is the un-grown-up version. If you call a wee thing with chubby cheeks and pink hair ribbons a “women,” you will probably not get into trouble, and if you do, you will be able to handle it because she will be under three feet tall. However, if you call a grown-up by a child’s name for the sake of implying that she has a youthful body, you are also implying that she has the brain to match.

Ladies come in three varieties: ladies, old ladies, and young ladies. The term “lady,” meaning a woman who behaves herself and is considerate of others, is the most difficult to use. You must not be influenced by having noticed that Miss Manners refers to all females as ladies (and all men as gentlemen) in the hopes that they will become so. Miss Manners is prim and old-fashioned, which is part of her considerable charm, and can get away with anything. For anyone else to use the term “lady” when “woman” is meant would be vulgar or even insulting.

What restricts the use of the word “lady” among the courteous is that it is intended to set a women apart from ordinary humanity, and in the working world that is not a help, as women have discovered in many bitter ways. “Lady” is, therefore, a word that should be used sparingly, and never in ways that interfere with a woman’s livelihood. Because it should be a term of respect, its potential for sarcastic use is staggering, and snideness is always presumed when the word is used inappropriately, as in “lady lawyer” or “saleslady.”

Because respect should be accorded to the aged, an elderly female is called an old lady, not an old woman, unless she is a particularly nasty old thing and you think you can get away with it. “Young lady” is also in a special category. A young lady is a female child who has just done something dreadful.

[miss--manners]

Dear Miss Manners:

What is the difference between “Good morning” and “Good day”? Is there any?

Gentle Reader:

Yes, indeed. “Good morning” is an opener, and “Good day” is a closer. Although “Good morning” can be purely a greeting, to which only the same words are expected in reply, this function has, for the most part, been replaced by “Hi.” Therefore, “Good morning” usually leads to “How are you?” and other such mild conversational excursions.

“Good day,” an extremely useful expression, is less often employed. With the proper tone, perhaps expanded to “I wish you a good day, sir,” it means “Get out of my sight this instant” in the language of irreproachable manners.

[miss--manners]

Dear Miss Manners:

My husband is a fanatic about table manners. Every evening he comes up with a new rule. This is very nerve-racking to my daughter and me.

Will you please give me a list of the absolute no-no’s? I have tried to convince him that some of the strict rules have been relaxed. Our daughter is eight years old, and our son is five. They are expected to eat perfectly or the dinner becomes a fiasco. I say that nagging and disrupting what should be an enjoyable family time is bad manners. What do you say?

Gentle Reader:

Is the choice between family harmony and teaching the children table manners? If so, Miss Manners will have to be excused from your table.

There are two social purposes to family dinner: the regular exchange of news and ideas, and the opportunity to teach small children not to eat like pigs. These are by no means mutually exclusive. Mrs. Perfect, for example, merely has to maintain a patient and cheerful tone: “Cutlip, dear, do tell us about your class trip to the zoo... Now, swallow what’s in your mouth first, and then we’ll all listen... Daffodil, dear, take your fingers out of your plate. How did your social studies report go?... Mommy’s going to tell you what she said to the traffic policeman. Just pick it up quietly, Cutlip, and say excuse me and take it to the kitchen and throw it away and then come back and finish your vegetables... Don’t interrupt, darling. It’ll be your turn to talk in a minute. Sit up, please, and put your left hand in your lap. So, the policeman came up and Mommy said, ‘Wait a minute, officer’...” And so on. One can become quite proficient at this amiable patter; the trick is to omit the instructive parts when attending formal dinner parties outside the house.

It would be a mistake for Miss Manners to provide you with a list of no-no’s. It may never have occurred to your children to laugh with a mouthful of soup, for instance, or to discharge unappreciated salad ingredients into the napkin. Here, instead, are a few yes-yes’s:

Small children should be expected to wait until their mother begins eating; to use their forks, knives, and napkins as God meant them to be used; to refrain from mentioning their dislikes on the menu; to pretend to listen attentively when others are speaking; to ignore the toy potential of various items; and not to leave the table without permission. Other children should be expected to have table manners as good or better than their parents’.

Expectations are not always fulfilled, of course. What Miss Manners really means is that children should be repeatedly reminded to do these things in such a way as not to interfere with the opportunity for pleasant family conversation, but as to make basic table manners such a constant requirement that they become automatic before the children reach maturity. Then you and your husband can dine in peace.

[miss--manners]

Dear Miss Manners:

We are supposed to go to a relative’s house for Thanksgiving, and I am tired of people making derogatory remarks to me about us vegetarians. Since when is it all right for someone to impose his/her views and lifestyle on others? Some of them even go so far as to dump meat on my plate in order to make me eat it. What should I do and say?

Gentle Reader:

What you should say is “No, thank you,” and what you should do is not eat it. And you should steadfastly continue doing both, until New Year’s, if necessary.

Miss Manners realizes that she is serving you a bitter portion, and apologizes for it. It is extremely difficult, not to mention unfair, for the victim of blatant rudeness to have to be the one who calmly refuses to react. And it is rude, not hospitable or funny, to attempt to force people to eat or drink after they politely refuse. (Note to minors: This rule cannot be invoked when your parents tell you to eat your vegetables or drink your milk. Miss Manners is sorry about that, but don’t even try.) Retaliatory rudeness will only get you into that debate that you politely and sensibly wish to avoid.