My Mother, and the things that happen around us.

This is my mother, Honey, and I. She is flat out crazy and went to the same school as me in New Paltz in the 70's. The situations that occur between and around us are ridiculous, but for some reason I feel like it has influenced the person I am today. Props to dadsituations.tumblr.com for inspiring this. You may or may not find this entertaining.

[momaries]

Larry: "One of my coworkers wasn't sure if you were my son or if you were my brother! I don't know if she was complimenting you or me!"

Hannah: "No Larry, she's just a fucking idiot."

[momaries]

FIRST THANKSGIVING IN THE NEW APT!

Well the New Jersey apartment now has 3 posters of the Brooklyn Bridge and 2 regarding Lincoln Center on the walls. Thus provoking this conversation:

Me: "I can't wait to see the reactions of our neighbors when they see all the New York posters."

Honey B: "Ian, we're not letting any neighbors in our house. We live around a lot of stupid."

Happy Thanksgiving!

[momaries]

Me: "Hey Mom, I finally registered my Starbucks and Panera cards!"

Mom: "What about voting?"

Me: "Working on it."

Mom: "At least you're making progress..."

[momaries]

Hannah is very proud of me for purchasing a coonskin cap because I will now continue the apparent family tradition of owning a coonskin cap.

[momaries]

The phrase “Don’t be a dick” is now a regular part of my mother’s vocabulary. Used in a scenario:

Mom: “Have you responded to your uncle yet?”

Me: “I’m tired”

Mom: “Don’t be a dick.”

[momaries]

Putting you in a home?

"I just saw on TV, A Place for Mom.com - so if you ever get mad me, you know what to do with me."

[momaries]

introducing my mom to the internet of 2012

Mom: "That saying... what is it? It's viral right? It goes and shows up and a bunch of different websites?"

Me: "A meme?"

Mom: "That's it! A mame! Mehm? Mum?"

Me: "It's called a meme, mom. I'm twenty, I know what this is."

Mom: "I'm sixty, I don't give a shit."

[momaries]

Amurka

July 4th, 2012:

Me: Oh we're un-American. We're not wearing red,white, or blue.

Mom: Of course we're American. We just bought stuff.

[momaries]

Featuring Papa B

My dad's response to last night's Tony Awards:

Dad: "Well you are definitely gonna be in that show, Newbies. Newbies? Newies?"

Me: "You mean Newsies?"

Dad: "Yes. Well Newies...Newsies, and The Book of Mormon."

[momaries]

Honey B just informed me that they're building a Mormon church down the street from us. Thanks, mom, for helping to realize my dreams of Mormon spotting and blasting/singing Book of Mormon songs as I drive by in the future.

[momaries]

My mom's response to the new neighbors:

Mom: They haven't picked up their newspaper yet and it's been there since Thursday.

Me: So what, do you think they're mentally challenged?

Mom: No Ian, they're white trash.

[momaries]

So my mom is currently reading this blog and thus, proofreading it.

[momaries]

The Family Crest

Last Week, at Dinner:

Mom: So is anything else wrong? Aside from being sick?

Me: I don't know, I guess I'm just done with people's bullshit.

Mom: Ian. You are ALWAYS gonna be dealing with people's bullshit. No matter what. That's why our family's motto is "Fuck em if they can't take a joke." Larry, what's the one thing I hate more than anything in the world?

Dad: Bullshit...

Mom: THAT'S RIGHT. BULLSHIT. I deal with the bullshit of parents every day and you will have to deal with bullshit too. Especially in your field. That's why - fuck em if they can't take a joke.

[momaries]

Mama Bear

Tonight I performed as Toby, mute in an opera called THE MEDIUM, who is abused by his master, Baba. My parents showed up and my mom responded to the show as followed:

Mom: Ian, you were wonderful! That was so great! I'm gonna slap that woman when I meet her though.

[momaries]

Waiting.....

Because I was unable to come home for Passover, my parents took me out for breakfast that weekend. Two instances occur at the table:

Instance One:

Waitress: Would you like toast with that?

Me: No thank you.

Mom: Ian, it's ok. You can have toast.

Me: Mom, I don't want toast.

Mom: Ian get the toast, your father and I are getting it.

Me: Mom I don't want the damn toast.

Mom: Ian, get the toast.

Waitress: So no toast?

Instance two:

Mom: So she (that waitress) sings in class with you and what is she - a freshman? sophomore? junior?

Me: Mom, stop trying to hook me up with people I don't know.

[momaries]

? Side Story - A throwback

This conversation took place in early 2009, as my mom returned from work:

Mom: My friend told me that she saw the revival of West Side Story the other day and she didn’t like that the Sharks sang in Spanish and she couldn’t understand it. I told her she was racist.

Me: Mom, I don’t think her not understanding Spanish necessarily means she’s racist…

Mom: She’s racist, Ian.

[momaries]

You're killing me, smalls...

I send my mother this text:

Me: Watching The Sandlot. It reminds me of my childhood, minus being decent at baseball.

She proceeds to call me.

Mom: What is that? Is that a book? A play?

Me: No, Mom, it's a movie.

Mom: And you're relating to it?

Me: Yes, it reminds me a bit like my chidhood.

Mom: Is this a horror movie?

Me: No... No, mom, it's like watching an abc family movie.

Mom: Is it a good ending? Bad ending?

Me: No, mom it's a great ending.

Mom: Ok. Well goodnight!