[moon1ightsun1ight]

Still in Love, and the darkness.

Still in Love's default state is that of self-erasure. She retreats into obscurity, for to be seen is to be reviled. She is told, "We do not want to look at you. Your presence disrupts our peace. You have no place here."

For somebody to venture into the parts of her that she considers "ugly", to see what lies within the darkness and reach out their hand, while proclaiming that she is beautiful...that is unprecedented. That is the reason why Still initially falls in love with her trainer-- why the relationship is reaffirmed instead of terminated after the instinct-driven, passionate beginning.

From there, though, she still has a long way to go.

Still sees her trainer's care for her as proof of their "kindness"-- something they're offering to her out of the goodness of their heart...but a patience they will eventually run out of. She is a weight upon their shoulders, and thus, she needs to work harder to try and relieve them of that weight.

She can't continue on while being like this. Eventually, she will cross over into the "too much", as she always has before. Then, as has always been the case when she is seen "too much"-- it spells the ending.

It spells rejection. It spells abandonment. It spells the loneliness that has defined her entire life.

So, what can she do to become somebody they will want to be with forever? How can she change herself into something that could be loved? This, she wonders, and tries to discover. Yet, she can't sanitize herself into another person entirely. She is still herself-- she is Still in Love. When are they going to finally get tired of her, then? What will be the final straw?

No matter how long she waits, with downcast eyes and trembling hands-- the moment never comes. They just keep on gently affirming her existence and staying by her side. When they are separated, they search for her, and find her again. Gladly, and repeatedly.

They keep on looking at her. They keep on being happy to be with her. They keep on seeking her out, and welcoming her in. Their patience and care just keeps on proving itself to be something unwavering and unconditional. Something that doesn't stop. Something that doesn't go away.

And thus, with each affirmation of acceptance, Still opens up her heart just a little bit more. They take a step toward her, and she takes a step toward them. They take her hand, and she takes theirs.

With the building of a trusting relationship where she is given reasons to believe that it will continue to be safe and stable, where she is, less and less, in a panicked state of desperate clinging and focusing on trying to change herself for them-- she can, more and more, focus on them. She can see more of them, and give more of herself to them, than she could when all her efforts were on trying to prevent abandonment.

And, as she builds trust, such that she can more closely examine the heart of the person she loves, she gains the confidence in their relationship to bravely step forward herself, further than she has before, with eyes straight ahead -- once clouded over by excess fear and doubt, now clearer -- to try and understand their feelings, to hold out her own for them to see...this is the moment when the revalation she had always been searching for finally comes into view, and coalesces into comprehension.

They look at her directly without flinching away. They care for her. They accept her unconditionally. They enjoy being with her. They adore her. They cherish her. They want to be with her all the time. And they diligently cultivate and protect these flowers that just keep on growing.

So, she doesn't have to look into the future with fear in her heart. She doesn't have to brace for an eventual ending. It's okay for her to want to see more of them, and be seen more by them. It's okay for her to keep on venturing, with them, into these depths. It's okay for her to keep on loving, and being loved.

If you, like Still, have been burned too many times before, your heart will have closed up as a means to protect you. This, then, is the gradual unfurling of that kind of heart.

By being loved by somebody who continues to choose her, and looks at her with a warm smile, over and over again -- and by choosing to accept and believe in that herself -- Still's heart slowly begins to open up in more and more ways, as she finds, even in darkness, that she doesn't have to be afraid.

[moon1ightsun1ight]

Still in Love, with relation to the law of conservation of energy

One of the most common mischaracterizations of Still in Love is the portrayal of her as one-sidedly covetous of her trainer, in such a manner that it continues indefinitely, irrespective of her trainer's feelings. Many a joke post has been made referencing the notion of her "locking them up in her basement" and whatnot. While it's true that Still is intensely, absolutely and singlemindedly in love with them, her clinginess isn't a stable or constant behavior. And her love isn't sustained by nothing.

In Still's relationship with her trainer, her pattern of behavior is defined by a constant fluctuation between periods of intense closeness, and periods of intense withdrawal. Still has spent her entire life being told, over and over again, in some form or another, that she is strange, disgusting and monstrous, and now, she is predisposed to see herself as such. She has been rejected by the world on a fundamental level, such that the only way for her to avoid that hurt is to disappear; to become somebody who does not exist in the eyes of others at all. Thus, whenever she perceives something that her trainer does or says as a rejection, or she does something that seems to hurt them -- when she feels that she is a burden upon them, is not wanted by them, or other things of that nature -- her immediate reflex is to apologize, forcibly extricate herself from them, and disappear into the shadows without another word. She is, at her core, a deeply wounded, sensitive and softhearted girl who is inclined to blame herself for everything that goes wrong, and thinks that everybody would be better off if she just disappeared.

When Still initiates these periods of self-isolation, she does not voluntarily initiate an attempt to reconnect afterward. The inciting cause of their reconnection is, in actuality, her trainer's response to that disconnection. They immediately notice her absence, and are distressed by it. They actively choose to search for her, and keep searching for her until they find her. When they do find her, they reassure her, warmly and straightforwardly. They tell her that she is not a burden, that they cherish her presence, that she's fine the way she is, that they want to be with her and support her, no matter what that may look like.

The context of the aishiteru scene is that it happens after Still's trainer witnesses onlookers speaking derogatorily of Still when her instinct comes out during a race, refuses to let her be alone when she runs away, chases after her to make sure she's okay, tells her they were worried about her, expresses interest in hearing about what she's going through, listens to her when she tells them her story, validates her feelings, and tells her that she is beautiful. Again, Still sees herself as a burden that everybody would be better off without, and acts accordingly in the form of purposeful self-exile, yet her trainer is repeatedly telling her that this isn't true. That she does have a place in this world, that they do want her around, that she is accepted and in fact wanted exactly the way that she is. There is no need for her to be anything in particular other than what she is, and will be.

What follows is thus. When Still is met with this, how does she respond? By stabilizing, and reciprocating. She trusts them enough to hear their words of love and reassurance, and know that they speak the truth. She accepts their affections, affirms her affections for them, and slips back into a period of closeness. Even though Still is plagued by self-doubt, her trust and affection for her trainer is ultimately stronger than those feelings, and wins out over them when she is put in a position where her self-doubt is directly challenged, and she has to choose between either reaching out her hand despite fearing it may be slapped away, or keeping her hand to herself and turning away so as not to risk the pain. Every time, she chooses the former, is embraced lovingly and warmly, and embraces them back. Vulnerability is met with vulnerability, and on both sides, it is returned as acceptance.

Still is extremely affectionate with and devoted to her trainer. She pays close attention to and expresses genuine interest in their feelings, and makes use of what she learns. She prioritizes spending time with them and working hard for their sake. She goes out of her way to do things that she hopes will make them happy, and protect their happiness. She tells them, in no uncertain terms, how much they mean to her. She praises them, reassures them, encourages them. This is all true. And they do all these things for her, too. They pay close attention to and express genuine interest in her feelings, and make use of what they learn. They prioritize spending time with her and working hard for her sake. They go out of their way to do things that they hope will make her happy, and protect her happiness. They tell her, in no uncertain terms, how much she means to them. They praise her, reassure her, encourage her. They provide her with fertile grounds upon which their connection can grow further, and diligently continue to care for the delicate flowers they have planted together.

Still's intense feelings don't come from nowhere; she is continuously returning the love that she has been given by them, in the form of renewed and strengthened love for them. It's a feedback loop of mutually reinforced love and affection between two people who unambiguously adore each other, prioritize each other, and want to be together no matter what.

Most people don't like to admit this, but love is a fragile thing. Passion can only keep it alive for so long; time and distance and conflict and so many other things can and will kill it permanently, if you allow them to. If you want to keep love alive, you need to make the choice every moment of every day to keep loving, and to do everything in your power to protect it and feed it so it can continue to survive and grow. Love isn't just a feeling, or an action that you only take once. Love is a choice that you make over and over again. Love is a privilege that must be actively maintained (by all involved individuals) in order to perpetuate, and, to begin with, you don't reap what you don't sow.

The love between Still and her trainer would die if it was one-sided. If Still's trainer didn't love Still, she would have run away and been forgotten by them. If Still didn't love her trainer, the gentle hand they reached out to her would have been met with empty air. The love survives because they always follow after her and never forget her. The love survives because she accepts them and allows them to embrace her and embraces them back. The love survives because they both open their hearts to each other, look directly at what lies inside the other, and make the choice to stay together. The love survives because it is mutual.

Still in Love is undeniably a "girl who really loves her beloved", but this love didn't form out of thin air. This love came from something.

So, here is the story as I would tell it, in as few words as possible: Still in Love is a "girl who really loves her beloved because they provide her with an environment where she feels loved by them, and feels safe enough to keep loving them back".

[moon1ightsun1ight]

Still in Love's unique dialogue for Tanabata

"I'm a little envious of Orihime. If you can only be with the person you love for a short time…that means you will be able to show them only your beautiful side, right?"

I was particularly looking forward to hearing this one, and it's even more wonderful than I thought it would be.

That conflict between wanting to show them only her beautiful side, to keep her distance and prevent them from seeing anything unsightly, yet also, wanting to be with them forever and ever, to be witnessed and accepted and cherished completely… It's so cute, isn't it? Ah, Still is so cute…

Every side of you is beautiful, Still. You are always so, so beautiful...

I will always look for you, and think of you, and want to be with you. I will never let you be alone. I love you so much.

[moon1ightsun1ight]

Keep in mind that this is a statement made from equal parts frustration and sadness, but really, Still in Love's story is made all the more heartbreaking by the fact that people in the fandom actually fucking talk about her like this for real.

If I had a penny for every post or comment where somebody calls Still "crazy" or "evil" or "dangerous" or some other abusive and derogatory phrase, I'd have enough money to finally buy up every social media site and delete them from the internet forever.

[moon1ightsun1ight]

There is nothing unusual going on with my copy of Umamusume: Pretty Derby. Everything is as it should be.

[moon1ightsun1ight]

A message to Still in Love

This is what I see, lit by the full moon and stars of that day.

You think you shouldn't want it--but you want it anyway. Your heart aches with such desperate yearning--but ah, it's too much, it's unsightly, you could never ask for such a thing. Flames of passion burning bright and hot against the half-veiled sky, baby blue coalescing with scarlet red-- one as two, and two as one.

Every hand that brushes against your blaze flinches away, eyes narrowed in fear, disgust--in hatred that calls forth shame. Quite well, you've learned to hide it. Quite well, you've learned to shrivel up and shrink away. A form so faint as to fade into the shadows, a wavering voice unheard as it is swallowed up by the breeze. A cluster of thin petals, wilting and shivering upon a limp stem, where your withered and stifled leaves sway.

And when your roots are watered and replanted, when you discover what it's like to be fed and flourish, you bloom so vibrantly and numerously that no other force could keep you at bay.

Delicate blossoms of vivid crimson, drinking in the warmth, their roots spreading as they multiply, coiling deep into the soil. All-encompassing, all-consuming-- a grasping throng of reaching hands, down into the earth, up into the heavens. To see and feel and embrace everything. To become so close as to merge into gestalt. To supersede the boundaries between bodies, to become, to possess, and yet--

Like flames spreading through a forest, these roots threaten to consume everything. Knowing this, you pluck the emotion before it can further propagate.

You call it burdensome, intrusive, unforgivable-- and you carry it with you as you flee the scene. Trembling fists tearing into a tattered bouquet, clinging tight, even as you bear it away.

This is what I see, lit by the smoldering sun of that night.

A home-cooked meal, with bite-sized pieces perfectly portioned and arranged. Chocolate and red fruit jam and sponge cake. Scattered constellations forming a clear, cloudless Milky Way. The sun's relentless rays darkened by a parasol's shade. Warm coffee brewed to perfection when it's too cold. The cool whisper of the wind when it's too hot. Delicately stitched ribbons and lace. Red woven into white. White woven into red.

A thoughtful, attentive kindness, bearing a heart that treasures joy and beauty, which reaches out to grow it further, and help it stay. A clumsy, stammering awkwardness, frightened of overindulging in intimacy, of having it taken away-- yet a warm, earnest trust and adoration with gently washes those doubts away. Fingers that patiently, carefully, turn the pages of a book, pouring over every details upon every page. A red-hued gaze that watches faithfully, staring straight ahead, ears perked forward, lips curled into a smile.

Brighter and darker than the night sky, than the day. Gentler and fiercer than the crackling depths of a fire, than the invisible fingers of the breeze. More fragile and inevitable than death itself, than every living thing.

Our field of flowers, stretching out over the horizon, further than the eye can see-- is the most beautiful thing in the world to me.

All along, those flowers were mine, too. My feelings were always, always connected to you.

So I won't accept your apology, or your goodbye. I won't accept a world where you are left alone. No matter where you disappear to, I will look for you. I'll follow your trail to the ends of the world. And I'll find you.

For the "you" that takes shape before my eyes tomorrow, I'll gladly transform into the "me" who has been touched and changed by you, as I have touched and changed you.

Above all else: it has to be you. Nobody else will do.

At the center of this revolution of night and day, that is the answer that always remains the same.

I'll sow it into the heavens, and the earth, just for you.

"Now, and forever-- I will always love you."