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A Quick Exit

Jordan: Hi Nan. Didn't know you were coming round. Mum said I've got to thank you for the birthday card. But she ain't here. Gone down the shops, right. I'm supposed to make you a cup of tea. We can have some chit-chat.

(pause)

Except I don't think I am gonna make you that tea. Not yet, anyway. Don't you get up, Nan. Don't strain yourself. Gotta watch that bad hip. Don't suppose you'll get it replaced now. I know you thought you might when you saw that bus, £350 million going into the NHS. Well, surely there'll be enough for one hip. Better vote for that. Vote from the hip. Coz you're gonna be around forever. To see all these big changes. You're still young, right? Young at heart anyway. When did you retire? 60? Must be nice. Enjoying your golden years. Not for me though, see I got no pension. I flog trainers on a zero hours contract. No sick days for me. Coz they'll just get some other desperate fucker in and I'm out. But if I lose my job and my flat I can always stay with you, right?

(pause)

Look, I get it. I really do. You're worried about our jobs. You're worried about people, in another country, telling us what we can and can't do. You're worried about people coming here, leeching off us. You want them to go home. It makes sense. But not really. Coz London may as well be another country. To you. To me. You ever been to London, Nan? You ever vote Tory, Nan? Nah? Didn't think so. Greedy bastards, right. Shall I get dad down? You remember dad. That black man who married your daughter. Came all the way from France. Gave you all them coffee-coloured grandkids you love so much. But you don't mean him, do you? You mean the bad guys. The ones that don't contribute. That move in next door. That you cross the road to avoid. The ones with the faces like me. Is that what you mean?

(pause)

Oh. You're leaving? Shame.

DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR

We are England.

We are generous, welcoming and kind.

We adopt tennis players If we think they might win Wimbledon

they could be Scottish, or Canadian.

We are a great footballing side.

We might play badly in competitions

But we talk in detail about possession and missed chances

And are generally polite.

Our hooligans are less violent than ever before.

We fought against the Nazis in World War Two

and took a stand for peace, justice and humanity.

We are very proud of this.

We are a source of cultural and economic inspiration around the World.

So we work to improve it constantly.

We take back control of our country and make even better.

We leave the European Union

And go it alone.

We inspire questions about what comes next

Now that we are on our own.

What will become of our economy and our culture?

We inspire racial discrimination against our citizens. We are worried that they don't belong.

But it's ok because very soon England will be great

Like it used to be.

cock, knob, pecker, prick, johnson - sean burn

delivered by kathy acker spinning in her grave

could the mekons play tourettes & come & have a go if yu think yr hard enough

(off 1998 album me) possibly simultaneously as backing?

sex & drugs declaring off-limits for undercover cops

but yr copper-bottom double-deal hypocrite-shitting (& i quote) knows no limits

from sex & drugs & wreck & rolls-royce on in

yu cock

knob

pecker

prick

oh-johnson, aah johnson, yr brand-johnson, yr branding-johnson

yr johnson-should-be, soon-to-be, made-to-sing-oh-yeah

dipping brand in fire & burning the offending johnson

hsssssssssssssss!

punching air

ysssssssssssssssssssssssssss!

putting a spring in steps & just for once no yrs

oh cock-knob-pecker-prick-johnson - yr a willy-waver

yrs is a silly-willy-nilly emptiness-stalking

as yu wave & weave yr slice & dicer

to reveal

yu & cameron tugging wee white weapons-o-war out way back since oh-so-rich-eton

mine curves further to the right than yrs!

& yu two making eton mess ever since

why didnt yu sort it out behind bike sheds (does eton have bike sheds?)

once & for all a gag or fist-sting, a good ol' wing-ding, a wall & wail game

a balls-up game, hail old fellow, what gives?

yu should have learnt to give instead ov being eternal receiver, deceiver

& so now & how yu've whipped it out once again

bukkaking goves glasses

spraying us all yr slick-blonds blood-salt

yr bleak-white-rod fucking peace on irelands to monster c.v.

& yr dog-whistling & & & yr wails

& in prick-emptiness who wouldnt yu fuck?

over

but not

never

out

yr a nasty piece ov work, shout it

yr shock-headed shafting britannia

yr unthink tanking most europe

no going back, no turning (for) yr little boris

ol' johnson squirting, spurting, ole-pass yr smelling assaults

& having shafted us all over

yu go play cricket

did yu even win?

why didnt yu learn to rub along? leastways alone

for yu everythings under dining table

richnesses ov veal. re-veal? poacher ov veal

copper bottom, double-deal, hypocritical little

& as for yr outsider prick?

nowhere near - my arse

yr pricks establishment, the ultimate insider

yr a con artist

a part-timer cock

a fine-diner cock

supremacist cock

coke-snort failer at helmet-wearing

failer at the rubber-hat, a serial impregnator

negator. chair. man

(making quote marks) 'eccentric'

wannabe world-king

fox-hunter

willy-waver for clause 28

bullingdon bully

shafter ov liverpool

yu are (again making quotation marks) ov right-wing bent

at five grand per hour-&-a-half telegraph column yr a glitter whore, a laddy ov k/nights

a parliamentary rump

yr a versifier, a falsifier, a liar

pants on fire yet? or yu dropping them again?

in others news - that donald trump assassination attempt!

radicalisation eh?

yr johnson make sweets italian waitresses sweat & cry

prevents polish children reaching school

yu are a racist

yu are

but were not allowed to say that are we?

sor-ree!

still yu played the ace card, the race card

unleashing genie from bottle

who's gonna stopper that?

yrs is maximum pimp sate

slow boris, low boris

yrs is not, never blow-job boris

yu've never (bet) (had to) give one on yr life

yu lie-back, receive, deceive

its yr due, yr due!

cocksucker? bloodsucker!

ov turkish stock

& yu like repeatedly impregnating others than yr wives

yr rape-fantasie extrapolate to those other turks swarm-sticking it to fair english lilies?

is yrs some tea-hee-party? do cum! no thanks!

so now yu've bent us over once more, taken us beyond the wire

cant even get it up enough to reli(e)ve this mess, eh cock?

johnson-cock - yr pricked & tricked

by that cunt in glasses gove who yu've bukkaked once to many!

yr winging-it-man, whose daily maled advice readings

whatever yu do, don’t do a cherie blair - go concealer, blusher, eyeliner, lipstick - the works

still smart moneys on the celtic fringes, always

capo di tutti capi nicola sturgeon & her deputy leanne woods nip-nip-nipping heels

maybes with some green reveal?

desperately needed wee shoots push-thru ov renewal

oh johnson yu are american-born-&-to-run&ruin

still time to run for the us, sorry, u.s. presidency

or is that the me-presidency

the new trump, a new currency

yu've shown how to blow up bridges

hows yr wall-building?

wall-game, ball game, yrs is a balls-up game

yu cock

knob

pecker

prick

oh-johnson, aah johnson, yr brand-johnson, yr branding-johnson

yr johnson-should-be, soon-to-be, made-to-sing-sung-sang-oh-yeah

dipping brand in fire & burning the offending johnson

hsssssssssssssss!

punching air

ysssssssssssssssssssssssssss!

Nationless

I have been trying to work out how I have been feeling for the last week. There are some words that start to explain it: sad, disappointed, angry, confused, scared, helpless, lost. But for some reason they didn’t totally fit.

And then today I saw all the pictures from up and down the country of the ghosts of the 20,000 young men who died on this day 100 years ago. Pictures of people crying on trains and in stations and on the streets, and I cried scrolling through my twitter feed - tears that I didn’t (or couldn’t) shed over the result of the referendum. Those young men, some of them barely men at all, died for the balance of power in Europe. they died for a political power play.

We live in a world where the idea of free trade between nations is what keeps us peaceful - that through economic ties we develop kinship and common ground. That the bridges forged by trade allow things other than goods to travel across them - culture, language, understanding, tolerance. The EU was built to keep Europe peaceful - to stop 20,000 young men dying on one single day, to prevent people fleeing their homes in the face of fascism.

While I’m in the UK I never really feel patriotic, I am too comfortable in my culture to notice how much it has formed me and shaped me. But whenever I am abroad I notice the aspects of myself built by my nation, by the specific culture of the UK, and I miss being in a place where I feel at home. And I realised that after the results on the 23rd June, I don’t feel at home here anymore.

I am not blind - I know that the referendum only brought to the surface things that have been bubbling away for years. But until last week I felt I lived in a country that aspired to be better, to learn, to grow, to foster a world built on compassion and shared humanity, and that was the country I called home. The country that I was proud to call my own.

And today looking at the faces of young men, ghosts of those that were slaughtered meaninglessly on a field in France, I realised that I’m not in a place that wants to try to look at the world a different way, that wants to build a better future for its children. I’m in a place that wants power, control, inequality and superiority.

I feel nationless today.

Written and recorded 24th June 2016

When Welsh turkeys vote for Christmas, and English chickens fly home to roast: the slavering maws of Tory carpet-bags circle.

President of Europe

INT. TV STUDIO - DAY

The screen is laid out like an MSNBC News broadcast, with headline, news ticker, stock and time zone graphics which adjust according to speaker and subject matter. GEMMA O'CONNELL (31), a newsreader, GenAm accent, addresses the camera.

O'CONNELL Good morning. It's the 17th of November 2034, it's 9:30AM on the Eastern Seaboard, 6:30 out west, I am Gemma O'Connell, and this is MSNBC News. The European Parliament last week approved the Council's nomination for the new Commission, led by Zachary Newkirk of the European Green Party. Newkirk is the first Commission President not to come from either the major two parties, the European People's Party and the Party of European Socialists. Young, reformist, and a bombastic and unifying speaker, and he's already spinning these attributes to his advantage, being hailed as the first true "President of Europe". His commitment to cultural exchange, language learning and, crucially, democratisation, have earned him praise from all four corners of the Union. CUT TO -

Footage of a press conference in front of a European Commission backdrop, with NEWKIRK speaking.

NEWKIRK I am honoured to have been selected for the post of President of the European Commission. However, I believe it is an unforgivable oversight that it was not the peoples of Europe that elected me, but the members of the Parliament. I have no doubt of their unwavering loyalty to democracy and the will of the European peoples, and that is exactly why I am confident that they will agree that their representatives should be directly elected. These are ideals I have fought for throughout my Parliamentary career, and ones which the Parliament have given me a mandate to fight for as Commission President. CUT BACK TO O'CONNELL.

O'CONNELL I'm now lucky enough to be joined by the man himself, Zachary Newkirk. Mr Commission President, great to have you on.

A second angle appears alongside the newsreader, showing ZACHARY NEWKIRK (37), English accent, suave and well spoken, exuding honesty and strength.

NEWKIRK Great to be here.

O'CONNELL Mr. President, you hail from a constituency in England, which a couple of short decades ago was rocked by a political crisis with relation to the EU. How does your national identity in a country which has been historically so lukewarm towards the EU affect your election and your duties as Commission President? HIS IMAGE FILLS THE SCREEN

NEWKIRK Well Gemma, the error that the eurocrats of old have tended to make, both formally and in the political culture here in Brussels, is to strip the people's representatives of their identity and assign them the common label of "European". Now, I am European. Of course I am. I wear this badge... (indicating EU flag pin on lapel) ...with pride as I undertake the business of representing the peoples of this continent. However, I am also British. I was born and raised in the United Kingdom, and I view the world through a British and English lens. I'd be a fool to deny my national identity, and yet... that's exactly what Juncker, Schulz, Barroso and Van Rompuy did, and it's the reason that a political crisis engulfed the UK and EU and *almost*... CUT TO -

He turns to a second camera, all the graphics disappear and he just stares down the lens for a few seconds. Okay, maybe not, but it's funny.

CUT BACK

NEWKIRK ...resulted in a British exit from the Union. These bureaucrats get so caught up in their ideas of a One Europe, a single European cultural identity, they completely ignore the cultural differences that exist between the thirty-three member states. This is not, with every respect, Gemma, the US. This is a united continent of thirty-three distinct cultures and peoples. I am British, and I make sure no-one forgets it, because I wouldn't, not for a second, want a Bulgarian, or a Finn, or a Serbian or a Spaniard to think I'm trying to speak for them. I can't, and I won't, and trying to doesn't foster unity, it makes me look like Caesar. In the clip you just showed, I was calling for direct elections to the Commission, and this is exactly why - People call me the President of Europe, but I am merely the chairperson of one of its organs. I am not Caesar. If the EU is to remain unified, I as well as Council President Hidalgo and my fellow commissioners, must be mouthpieces of the people. We cannot trample over cultural differences in the pursuit of some Pan-European Empire. This, Gemma, is why the union has been teetering on the brink of collapse for the last eighteen years - this Union hasn't been co-operative, it's been bureaucratic and overzealous. You mentioned my work with the cultural exchange agencies of the Union and my commitment to learning at least a little of all its languages, and that's exactly my point. The key here is simply to listen to one another. That's what keeps us together. To quote, ironically enough, Commission President Jean-Claude Juncker in his State of the Union Address in 2015, "There is not enough Europe in this Union, and there is not enough Union in this Union." O'CONNELL REAPPEARS ALONGSIDE NEWKIRK.

O'CONNELL Commission President Newkirk, thank you for being with us. We'll be right back after these messages from our sponsors.

END.

James Walker, [email protected]

boris, gove, farage cluster - we're fucked

boris, gove, farage cluster - we're fucked - by sean burn

boris johnson

michael gove

locker-room, post-cricket-match, home counties (does cricket have locker-rooms?)

johnson project fear is over. project absolute bloody terror begins!

gove oh johnson!

johnson forwards to winstons & sunlit meadows & tea on lawns

gove aaah johnson!

johnson we may no have tea in yorkshire yet - tho due to liberation by global warming we can grow it in cornwall. now drink up!

gove yes johnson!

johnson national front imploding in 1979 because we come to power. & now the foot-soldiers surge. i am historian you know

gove you captain this great ship of sate, i mean state!

johnson and its my fervent desire to fold britain first, national action, british renaissance policy institute into our infinite bosoms!

gove yu & nigel

johnson aah farage yes

gove played good cop bad cop superbly

johnson he does make me look good

gove yu'll bung him what?

johnson bungs? no. chairman of a brewery, tobacco policy advisor, plausible but deniable

gove yu'll even achieve in northern ireland what cromwell couldnt!

johnson no to the nightmare of european red tape

gove yes to red-white-&-blue-tape!

johnson lets have our walthamstow cake & snort-snort-snort!

gove tho it was displeasing meejah using out & camp & photos of us two the same sentences

johnson pride is past. but yu? yu are my my brightest & best!

gove & i pledge my true & undying. now whip out yr johnson, bukkake over my glasses, bukkake-johnson-bukkake, before blair napoleons again

W e n g e r l a n d

E M S W O R T H B R E X I T N E W S L E T T E R Two/23/Zero

T H O U G H T S & O P P O R T U N I T I E S

Autumn of the soul – the leaves have it. Anon Brexit martyr. This poignant mind-full text is to be added, by agreement with the CSL GovBoard, to the Cenotaph before the Winterval FireFest.

Breaking GeoPol news - Nomenclature realignment:

Greater Britain: the larger of the two islands off the northwest European coast of Eurasia. An island comprising four polities: NatSoc Republic of Auld Enlightenment Scotland, Wengerland, the City State London, and the Unitrinity of Bri-Ox-Cam.

Wengerland: The most Royal and populous of the rump states of the former United Kingdom, comprising England and their Celtic vassal state Wales, righteously united in populist, monarchist, vanity against the whole planet and its evil works. An holy alliance of a silver spoon squire-archy, and a well groomed, specially bred, of carefully groomed under-education, righteously rabid patriotic proletariat.

Today Wengerland unveils its flag: The red Cross of St George on a white ground with the horizontal bar bearing WENGERLAND in sans serif block writing designed by the well loved paedophile kiddie fiddler typographer Eric Gill. Behind and to the right of George’s cross is a fine ‘scalloped’ echo line in grass green: acknowledging the place of the Welsh in the bi-state union.

Today Wengerland reveals five new tags of truth: We Know Ourselves, Non Else

Wengerland, small-minded, beautiful Control and Vigilance

Petulance, Patriotism, Prosperity Masters and Hounds All

Abroad The NatSoc Republic of Auld Enlightenment Scotland, has obtained funding from the Trump/MexD cartel to re-establish the Royal Auld & Ancient Colony of Darien, in a dream team deal that will see this beyond pale peoples being well provisioned with pharmaceuticals. Also: Kenneth (‘call me Ken’) MacLeod has just been appointed to the Edinburgh office of Rune Seer.

Your Greater Parish Region W E N G E R L A N D celebrates playing with itself:

A ‘Brexit! Times Controlled’ theme park is to open in Cosham. “Now travel back and re-live the lucky 1920’s & 30’s OS.”

Chichester Festival Theatre Next month (Two 42): Minister for Culture and Placeboprop, the Rt Hon Michael Gove MP delivers his address:

THEORY AND DOCTRINE IN A WORLD CLASS ECONOMY

QV QA? The Portsmouth hospital enquiry into patient care standards, attributes recent shortcomings to pending deportee status migrant sourced staff. An anonymous stake-holder also blames Name Curse – “Dedicating the hospital to a gold digging Danish princess was bound to bring bad luck.”

Local Small/Sole Trader opportunities: Generally, a local leap in retail prosperity is expected and Property and Flesh trading dynasties of the parish are quietly optimistic. Property rentals will be fuelled by the need for homes for security sector staff. Schools anticipate greater income from the influx of pupils.

For Emsworth, Westbourne, Southbourne, Nutbourne and Bosham Government proposal to site 10,660 temporary refugee living units at Island Refuge One, West Thorney, West Sussex will be revealed shortly.

For Emsworth, Bosham, Chichester Marina. Pop-up patrol work offered for owners of boats over 20ft. Contact your local council offices.

Following the infamous Warblington Church headstone incident* more Drone operator/owners are required for surveillance of any further incidents of FU-EU infringement.

Havant B C: Under the Nutrition from Nought mouth over mind provision scheme they are pulping, this quarter (Two), the works of Karel Capek and George Orwell.

JAM! (really quite soon)

In Patriotic Fervour, Your Mate, Mutad O Datum Two/23/Zero

* A faux false headstone was discovered bearing the scurrilous inscription: “Pray to live in that state of grace formerly your neighbours’.”

Autumn of the soul - the leaves have it.

Game of Throes

G A M E O F T H R O E S Binge on the cult classic Brexit boxset saga now! Marvel at the whingeing of fortune, downfall and damnation aplenty. Enjoy the literally rib-cracking humour and blatant sophistry of the genetically modified giant Albino Faux Turk – a classically rendered performance. Wonder at the doppelt-sprechen of the rival Black Shirt banner brothers, En Farage and Em Gove, as certainly as one letter follows the other in each of their names, they are linked in a death spiral of recrimination – who is the first listed, to what end, and should the AH runes be in invoked again? Be astounded by the suave sang-froid and sartorial elegance of the stalwarts of houses: Rees Mogg and Redwood in a last stand against the maelstrom of eastern fonctionnaire evil. Tremble at the prospect of a creeping cold reason death from the Enlightenment Pale of the north. And in the west, fear the re-opening of the recently closed parochial blood baths. Unravel the mystic minds of the Whale people who, beyond the understanding of mortals, swim to meet the factory-ship of fate. Pray with the Fountain Undercover Knowledge cult for a reign of wisdom. Breath that Eton note, savour the insanity. Reviewer: Veb Mutad

Black Hole score: “off the scale, mega-uber, truly awesome” “FUEU what a scorcher” – Der Son. An ALOOF-IZUZ production. RRP 500 New Guineas

Consequences

A note on the texts: these were both written on Tuesday 28 June by two people. We used the frameworks of consequences (taking turns to write and keeping the overall text hidden until the game was over) and the classic structure of a five-act play (exposition, rising action, climax, falling action, denouement). We established the characters and the rough date of the opening scene and otherwise didn't confer. We spent roughly 15 minutes playing the game.

1. The character: a liberal white person struggling to talk about immigration. Time: the days following the referendum result.

Act 1:

A liberal white person wearing ethically sourced clothes sits centre stage, right hand stroking the rim of a teacup, left hand toggling between David Bowie and Beyonce on an iPad.

Act 2:

I gave some money to Refugee Action this morning.

And I looked up lots of charities that support migrants on the internet.

And I've started reading Media Diversified – it's great!

That will help, won't it?

Act 3:

How do I know what is a racist attack?

How do I know when to stand up for my neighbours and friends?

Maybe I should get one of those “Baby on Board” badges to wear on public transport, but with a handy non-racist slogan instead.

Act 4:

My facebook feed is full of proposals of marriage, as friends try to make sure that we can all stay in the country together.

I've retweeted that photo of Romanian people carrying an anti-racism banner.

I lie in bed at night and wonder when I'll see an actual racist attack in the street.

Just see what I'd do if that happened. Just see what I'd do.

Act 5:

A white liberal person wearing ethically sourced clothes sits centre stage, one hand stroking the crumbs around an almost empty cake dish, the other toggling undecidedly between David Bowie and Beyonce on an iPad.

2. The character: a despairing remain voter. Time: the days leading up to the referendum.

Act 1:

worry worry worry

worry for my job

worry for my friends

worry that UKIP are unstoppable

I'm shouting at the TV: that's a lie!

But is anybody listening?

Act 2:

These TV debates are a farce. The media is a farce. They're all biased and alarmist. Nobody believes what they're saying. Sensible, normal, decent people like me and everyone I know never get heard. I can't wait for all this to be over so I can get on with my life.

Act 3:

I want to work but I can't I want to stop reading social media but I can't I want to turn off my brain and sleep but I can't I can't I can't

I sit at my desk and stare at the computer screen

I sit on the sofa and stare at the TV

All these people wanting power, control. They've left me feeling powerless.

Act 4:

Is everyone else in here a racist?

If everyone else voted leave in this street, in this cafe, then do they know that I didn't? Can they tell?

If the country was this divided before, and I didn't notice, then does that mean I'm part of the problem?

Act 5:

That's it.

I'm out.

I'm going into hibernation.

Just make sure Bojo doesn't win, OK?

I don't want to wake up to that.

One Word Answer

Written by Sandy Thomson (Scotland) for Poorboy

Read by Lee Comley (England)

Edit by Jeremiah Reynolds (USA)

"Hope not Hate" There is a dark circle. A dark smudge a hate. A mark a stain a dot a dot a dot a dot. That threatens to spread faster quicker swifter like spilled ink over a white tablecloth. The quickening tide the gathering storm. The cliched worded overused overshared half baked overthought. The Every. That hurts it hurts hurts it hurts. Could we just Not. Could We. Refrain. Hold back. Remain. Sometimes Sometimes there in more power in the unused unsaid untapped. Could we just. Love. Laugh Hold Heal Affect Adore Rapture. Take the chance we have to change the world and own it. He Loves She Loves It Loves. We Love.

Viral

(A high street, just after all the shops have closed. TOMO is sat on a bench. SAM is pacing up and down)

TOMO: Sit down mate. JAY: Mate I'm so- TOMO: Hungry? JAY: Bored. TOMO: Right. JAY: Nothing to do here. TOMO: Never is.

(Pause)

JAY: Hey, dare me. TOMO: No. JAY: Go on. TOMO: Don't want you to do it. JAY: Go On. Dare me. TOMO: Not this shit again. JAY: Mate it''ll be a laugh. TOMO: No it won't.

(JAY gets out a huge knife)

TOMO: Put it away! JAY: It'll be hillarious. TOMO: Why? JAY: FIlm me, be viral mate. TOMO: No. It's gonna hurt. JAY: Yeah? TOMO: You're going to be bleeding everywhere. JAY: Right. TOMO: Don't want to call you an ambulance. JAY: Uh-huh. (Beat) It'll be funny though. TOMO: Christ, no it wont. JAY: Dare me. TOMO: No.

(Pause. JAY looks at TOMO, then at the knife. Back to TOMO, back to the knife. With one swift movement, he cuts his hand clean off. He screams)

TOMO: Oh my god! JAY: Why didn't you warn me?

Curtain

Brexit

Every day I understand myself more

And my parents less

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