welcome to the mountain

tarin | they/them | interactions are great!

[mountaintopsuggestion]

and by god i am going to do my best to make it that way.

[mountaintopsuggestion]

george eliot said that "to live is heaven" and i've taken that to heart.

maybe she was wrong, but what i do know is that to live could be heaven.

[mountaintopsuggestion]

i fell in love with someone and it consumed me.

i fell into a wonderful friendship and it made me want to glow.

i fell into a world that i could make better than it once was and i wanted to make differences.

[mountaintopsuggestion]

i still love it.

i know it's cheesy. i know it's out of some ideal world. i know kindness can't be the answer for absolutely everything.

i wish it could be.

[mountaintopsuggestion]

everything should be better than it once was.

i tried to become the type of person who knew that they were important, and so was everyone else, but the thing that mattered most was being kind.

and i loved it.

[mountaintopsuggestion]

i tried to become the type of person my friends were. the people who lived for everyone else, who were happy when everyone else was happy, but who suffered because of it.

i didn't like it. everything shouldn't have to be perfect.

[mountaintopsuggestion]

i had more friends, better friends. together the shined brighter than the girl i almost loved ever could, and through the roiling grey clouds i could always see the gentle rays of light.

i wanted to be like that light. delicate and welcoming and warm. so i changed.

[mountaintopsuggestion]

even though i knew i didn't need the mountain anymore, and i knew it wasn't real, i heard the people that tried to call back to me.

i didn't understand. so i tried to tell them things that weren't quite true.

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she was my friend, i suppose. but summer brough revelations and revelations brought confrontations, and nothing ended the way i wanted it to. the way either of us wanted it to.

we don't talk anymore.

[mountaintopsuggestion]

then came the thaw, when the sun broke through the clouds and i felt warmth for the first time in too long.

the object of my almost-love was beautiful and kind as ever, but the feelings had faded.

there was no longer a reason to think of the mountain, and whisper into the winds and wait for someone to hear it.

[mountaintopsuggestion]

the empty place was good, for a while. i shouted. i cried. i laughed.

i wanted to leave the world i knew for the piercing cold lands i made in my mind. they didn't understand but i could find solace in the people who tried to listen.

[mountaintopsuggestion]

i wanted to scream and cry and laugh all at once. how could she not see what i felt? was it worth telling her? i still don't know.

so i began to dream of a lonely place where no-one could hear me clear enough to care.

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instead of embracing this, i let it fester. i healed in the night and tore the wounds open the next day. almost-love shouldn't hurt that way, it should be warmer, lighter.

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in a dark evening of winter, i daydreamed too deeply and realized a fascination had turned into something too close to love.

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i want to tell a story. my story. is there anyone else here to listen?

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too many mistakes, too many missteps; we’re falling.

[absinthundblut]