-Dylan Klebold - Everything - No, everything equation
STICK BREAKING - My theory of something
3rd September 2015, 1:50 am
blood pressure, pulse rate and the temperature of your hands and feet have returned to normal.
I ate a helluva lot of pasta just now, a portion that would have been fine for lunch tomorrow. Had another pancake and there is a gnawing. Weight gain should be at most 7 pounds in the next months.
Boredom. As a teen, I had long holidays from school without much other than TV to watch. No work experience, both my parents were too enveloped in their own painful worlds to keep us busy. My father had cigarettes laying about. He was a social smoker. I had only ever seen him smoke a handful of times. Gradually, I knew he realised I was nicking one or two here and there, it became raiding half a packet. He began placing them in hiding spots - the top of cupboards, under folded clothes, in drawer corners. This was fun for me. I was bored as hell, this was my treasure hunt. I also liked the indirect attention from him. I needed to show rebellion to feel like I existed to him.
At university, I was a shy student. Smoking passes time. It zooms your consciousness into one moment, a lyric, a song, a melody. The chemicals dance in your veins. It was pleasurable and almost comforting. I was alone yet I found this friend. Smoking aids loneliness at least temporarily. When I moved in with friends in my second year, I realised we were all smokers. Heavy smokers. Rolling golden virginia bacc with rizla and a swift lick. Fun, cool.
By the time I came back to Kenya, I was addicted. I had tried to quit many times, the longest period being 6 months. Returning to it was because of many reasons - a rebellion to the rigidity of my interpretation of Islam which I was devout in those months.
This is biological. My body whispers then screams until I have one. My heart beats faster, my breath gets jagged and yet I can feel the rest of my body winding down - my eyes get droopy, I can hear the wheels of my brain slowing.
Alcohol - when I drink, there is a cigarette for every glass of wine. It goes well. The buzz continues.
Sad news. It helps me think things through. I am always afraid that when I think this clarity will go. Nicotine withdrawal involves irritability, headache, and craving.
Remaining nicotine in your bloodstream has fallen to 6.25% of normal peak daily levels, a 93.75% reduction.
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