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[mxspacelog]

Just. So. Tired.

[mxspacelog]

I’m really trying tho.

I keep circling back to a career rut but I can’t do much to my situation due to COVID and the fact I JUST changed my job before the lockdown shit happen. So in short I’m stuck.

Okay so in any case. I can only just do my best. If I can do, do. If cannot, then too bad. While I don’t think I’m that great, but I think it sucks for them if I were to go. So since we are at an impasse, both sides just have to deal right?

[mxspacelog]

So recently, I find myself absorbed with tarot readings on YouTube. Yes, I’m filling aware it’s not to be believed 100% and that it’s very generalized so it can’t possibly be the same for so many people at one time. But here’s the thing tho, I went through quite a few channels- okay fine, more than eight- and they all talked about similar things:

The first half is tough for me. The returns on my effort will much less than it should be.

Change or movement. Could be move cities (but highly doubtful since there is only ONE city where I live and I live in that city) or change in jobs? Change in environment?

Paitence.

So like. Here the thing: Should I continue to struggle or go? And how can I be certain that the next place isn’t as shit as this one. This is unknown. I feel like I can do it but am I just kidding myself or really believing in myself.

Of course I shouldn’t be looking at some mytho cards for advice on my next step but one thing I’m sure is that I feel so stuck.

I feel more like I went backwards than forth.

Everyday I feel nauseated, and sad. I don’t like this version of me. I don’t feel happy at work. And being someone who is a very vibe based person, it’s totally messing with my vibes.

Is it that if you’re adult. You must always do things that you don’t like. Or is it a culturally forced mentality like you are not important. If I decided to be a wandering soul, am I useless person?

I don’t wish to be restless, so please universe. Give me a sign.

[mxspacelog]

This morning, I woke up. Checked my emails and came to a conclusion. See, I’ve been going about wondering what to do in my situation.

The real truth was the job was not what I’ve seemed to understand it would be. The work was not something new sure but everything seemed to be freaking cold. In the midst all these covid shit, it became clear to me that I made the wrong move.

I mean, work is work. But I am not a robot. I have emotions and I read tones and vibes. Unfortunately or fortunately, I am a highly sensitive person. Not in a sense like I’m overly defensive but I pick up signs and I’m pleased to say most of the time, I’m never been proven wrong.

I get the frustration, I get that there is a lot on the plate. But I’m trying here, our poor darling designer is trying. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. It’s like, I am not a mind reader. How hard is it to tell people if it’s good to go or not? A thumbs up emoji would work fine. But no sound, no music? What am I to do? If I wanted the approval, I missed the date. Then it’s my fault? If I go ahead and someone became unhappy about it, it’s also my fault?

Don’t even get me started with the passive aggressiveness. And the impatient tone. Nobody owes anyone for a living. Nor do I need to be gaslighted. Do I know I’m not performing well? Yes. Can I do anything about it? No.

I knew from the start. Considering all the potential hurdles that the project would not be completed in time. Along the way, I have preampted and made attempts to move the project along. Which brings me back to this morning where now it’s my fault.

I hate this job so much.

It makes me nauseated during most of the day and at night, it gives me headache as I lie in bed. Sometimes I can’t sleep and get nightmares about the job. This is not healthy.

So all I can say is - damn credit card payment. I’m very close to the end, this month out and I’d be left with one more payment and I’m done. I’m so done that I’m willing to just leave a job even if I didn’t manage to find one.

Maybe people caution me due to the current economy but seriously, it’s my sanity or my life. Does this make it an emotionally charged decision?

I mean this morning after I saw the email all I can think was to laugh. I feel like a joke. And I made myself a joke.

All I wanted was a job with a little bit more action more digitally inclined. I got nothing and I lost all progress I might have made if I’d stayed on with my old job. At least if the old job decided to cut down manpower and retrench me, I have a better story to tell.

Now all I can pray for is that my story will work and people will understand. I live in a culture that is never forgiving and always judgemental.

In any case, at least I’m moving along. Of course I don’t want to leave without a job. I’m trying to be an adult here but I’m ready to take the plunge in August should I not find a job before.

I am working hard to look and getting some calls. So perhaps there is something positive happening. All I can say, MX, stay alive until August.

화이팅~

[mxspacelog]

This. Is. So. Frustrating. I really, really, REALLY don’t want to update the phone to the latest iOS. Am I stuck in this shit? Fuccccckkkk.

[mxspacelog]

A dress that costs me $60 should at least have pockets. Stop your barbaric ways.

[mxspacelog]

The lingering feeling of regret about a conversation earlier during a meeting. > <

[mxspacelog]

Conversations from work:

There will be 700-800 people if we were to do a full on company party; maybe we need two resorts and a shuttle bus service.

[mxspacelog]

Like why not? Xmas vibes in September. <3

[mxspacelog]

When you did awesome eye makeup and is too reluctant to remove...

[mxspacelog]

SO Criteria: to tell me when I’m going overboard with the pink in my outfit.

[mxspacelog]

New work. New nerves. Day 1. 🤞🏻