“Well, of course not. But I am sad and he’s not here. That’s normal. So please stop telling me what he’d want. I’ll tell you what he’d want. He’d want to be here. He’d want to watch our children grow up. He’d want to go for early morning rides and-and go fly fishing with his dad and brothers. So yes, you’re right he wouldn’t want me to be sad. Who wants someone to be sad? But just because my sadness makes you uncomfortable and you don’t know what else to say please don’t speak on behalf of my dead husband!” you exclaimed.
“I know. You’re right. But you can’t hold onto a ghost, Y/N. You deserve to be happy again,” Colin said softly. “When you’re ready, I’m here.” He kissed your temple before leaving the stable.
You watched as Colin put his hat on and walked toward his truck. “Shit!” you yelled and kicked an empty bucket across the stable. The whole conversion had gone the wrong way. Sometimes you were your own worst enemy.
Colin was a wonderful man, not to mention patient. He let things happen in your time. Never pushed for more- until now. Sure he said he would wait but for how long?
After tossing and turning for over an hour you pushed the quilt back and sat on the side of the bed. Today everything reminded you of him. It wasn’t like he wasn’t already on your mind every damn minute but today, today was exceptionally hard. The conversation with Colin kept replaying in your mind.
Before going downstairs you checked on the girls to find them sleeping peacefully. You closed the door quietly and then padded quietly down the hall.
After selecting a bottle of wine, and forgoing a glass, you went to the front porch. The night was cool, and quiet, with a full moon highlighting the surrounding fields and trees.
There were countless times you enjoyed a similar view from the cabin you shared with your husband, Lee. The last time you stepped foot in the cabin was the day he died. John hired people to pack up you and the girls’ belongings and you moved to the lodge.
You lit a cigarette, watching as the smoke curled into the night sky then took a sip from the bottle of wine. Tears filled your eyes when you thought of Lee. Three years had gone by since his senseless death. The pain that came with losing him was immeasurable. Maybe Colin was right. Maybe you were trying to hold onto a ghost.
“Penny for your thoughts?” John asked, taking the seat beside you. He groaned a bit as he lowered himself into the large Adirondack chair.
You shrugged.
John pursed his lips. “I think I know what is bothering you.”
Your eyes shot to your father in law. John was more of a father than your own dad.
“I overheard you and Colin in the stable today,” he admitted. “I wasn’t trying to eavesdrop but I think most everyone within a mile heard. Well, your side anyway.”
“Yeah. I’m sure,” you responded quietly. “Colin just- he wants… I don’t know,” you sighed.
“He wants more?” John asked.
“Yeah,” you breathed.
Colin was a local third generation ranch owner. He had the second biggest ranch in the area, after The Yellowstone, and raised quarter horses and cattle. The relationship, if you could call it that, began a year and a half after Lee died. You were lonely and he filled a void for you. Now he wanted a serious relationship but you just didn’t know.
“Did you love anyone after Evelyn died?” you asked John. It was a question you had wanted to ask for a long time. You knew he had a personal relationship with the governor but never really saw them together.
John sniffed. “Nope. If I’m being truthful it's because I was afraid to love someone again only to lose them. Guess I’m a bit of a coward really.” He chuckled humorlessly.
You put a hand on John’s hand. “You are far from a coward,” you stated.
“Well, I put on a good show.”
There was silence for several minutes before you spoke again. “I feel like if I love someone else that I’m betraying Lee. And I guess like you, I’m trying to protect myself.”
“Do you love Colin?”
A small smile crossed your lips. “I think I could. I care for him and he’s a good man. The girls like him, he thinks they do no wrong,” you laughed.
“I agree with him on that,” John laughed along with you.
John thought the sun rose and set with those girls. So did you. They were a little spoiled. After all, they had a grandfather that fulfilled their every whim and each of the ranch hands were at their beck and call. Even then they had manners and were thankful for all they had.
“It’s not betraying Lee to fall in love with someone else. Your and the girls' well-being and happiness were what Lee wanted the most. Would you want Lee to be alone?” John asked.
“I’m not alone,” you said matter of fact. “I’m surrounded by people all day.”
“Darlin’ that’s not the kind of lonely I’m talking about,” John articulated.
He was right. The kind of lonely John was referring to had been filled by Colin when you let him. He held you tight, made love to you, wiped your tears and made you laugh.
“Think I should call him in the morning?”
John thought for a minute before he answered. “I think you should call him right now.”
“What? It’s 11:30. He’s probably already asleep,” you countered.
John ran a finger over his lip. “I can guarantee he’s still awake.”
You eyed John. “Did you-,” you started.
“I’m going to bed. Good night,” John interrupted. He leaned over to kiss your cheek.
“Good night, John,” you said softly. “Thank you. Love you Dad.”
John nodded. “Love you too.”
Pulling your cell from your robe pocket you opened it and went to your contacts. For a few seconds, you hovered over Colin’s number before pressing call.
“Y/N? Are you okay?” Colin said, answering after one ring.
“I’m fine,” you replied in a small voice.
Colin let out a sigh. “Good. So, did you need something?”
“Um, I was just thinking about what you said this morning.” You cleared your throat.
“Hmmm… yeah. What about it?”
“You were right. I can’t let Lee go and I’m not sure I will ever be able to. It’s not fair to you,” you explained.
Colin was quiet. “I understand.”
“No, that didn’t come out right,” you sighed heavily. “This is hard to do over the phone.”
“It’s okay. I get it. I hope someday, someone can make you happy. I just wish it could’ve been me. Goodbye, Y/N,” he snipped.
“Wait, no!” But Colin had already hung up.
Well, that went about as well as you thought it would. You tossed your cell phone onto the small table and picked up the bottle of wine. Taking a long swig you decided not to take relationship advice from John. Maybe tomorrow you would go and try to talk to Colin. But tonight you were going to sit on this porch and not think at all.
It was the same nightmare every night for the last six months. Lee’s limp body over the back of Kayce’s horse, the way everything went silent, the coolness of his skin, and no matter how many times you shook him, he wouldn’t wake up, and Rip had to pull you away from him. Your girls were crying for their Daddy. The walk to the cemetery. Watching fresh dirt being thrown over his grave. Sitting there for hours until John brought you into the house.
“Lee,” you gasped, bolting up in bed. Even though you knew the other side of the bed would be empty and cold, you reached out nonetheless. Pushing up from the bed, you slipped on your robe and slippers. It was still early, but you were barely sleeping anyway so you went to the kitchen to make coffee.
Before going downstairs, you checked on the girls, and they were all sleeping away. The nanny would be there soon to watch them while you worked. Then, depending on what had to be done on the ranch, Anne and Everly, your oldest two would go with you.
“Up early or not sleeping?” you asked John as you entered the kitchen. He was leaning against the sink gazing out of the large picture window.
“Little of both, I guess. Fresh pot on the stove,” he said, nodding.
After pouring a cup of steaming coffee, you took a measured sip. Cowboy coffee. The unmistakable taste was something you’d never get used to. Then, reaching into the fridge, you pulled out your fru fru coffee creamer, adding more than you normally would to offset the bitterness.
John smirked. “Still can’t handle real coffee,” he joked.
“That is not coffee. That is motor oil,” you commented with a chuckle. Joining John at the window, the sky was starting to turn pink and purple heralding the sunrise. “I remember the first time Lee made me coffee. I spit it across the room,” you said.
John smiled. “He made the worst coffee. But what I wouldn’t give for a cup of it right now.”
“Me too,” you said, sighing. Then, after a couple of minutes, you changed the subject. “Should probably get those calves vaccinated today before you move them to the other pasture.”
You split your time between the ranch and the veterinarian practice in town when you and Lee got married. Now, you weren’t sure how much longer John would want you here.
“I’ll let the guys know and get you a couple of extra sets of hands,” John said, his gaze still into the darkness outside. “I’d like to have you here full-time. I’m looking to get more cattle and horses.”
“John the clinic offered me full time. I’m going to look for a place in town,” you announced. “I’ll still be the vet here-”
He shook his head. “It seems like all anyone ever does is leave,” he said dryly then sniffed. “Do what you need to do.” He poured the remaining coffee down the sink then walked out.
Later that morning, John wouldn’t even look at you and when he spoke to you it was clipped with as few words as possible.
Vaccinating the calves was going fairly quick. The ranch was a well-oiled machine. Everyone knew their job and did it well.
“What the hell is wrong with him?” Rip asked, walking up to where you had finished the first group of cattle. “He acts like someone passed in his Cheerios..” He leaned against the cool metal of the gates.
“Yeah. That’s probably my fault,” you admitted. Wiping your hands on your pants, you turned away from Rip to where John was barking orders at the new ranch hand. When he saw you looking over his way he stalked off to the barn.
Rip raised his brows. “So, what did you do?”
“I didn’t do anything,” you answered, crossing your arms over your chest. “I think it’s what I said.”
"Must have been bad," Rip said.
"I just told him I was moving into town. I'm going full-time at the clinic, but I'd still be the vet here," you explained.
Rip nodded. " I see."
"He said that all everyone ever does is leave," you said, biting your bottom lip. "I mean, I lived here because of Lee. So now with him gone, I just figured he'd want me and the girls to move."
"Well, that explains his mood," Rip sighed. “I don’t think he would know what to do with himself if the house was empty.”
“I don’t know what to do,” you said, biting your lip.
“What do you want?” Rip asked.
“I want to stay,” you answered.
John exited the barn, stalking over to you and Rip. The look on his face told you he was about to unleash hell on someone. And you were confident that someone was you. "Am I paying the two of you to sit around and gossip?" John barked.
"I was just going to go help get the next set of calves," Rip announced. “Tell him, Y/N,” Rip said before going back to the ranch hands and cattle.
"Y/N. Need to have a word with you first," he said, nodding at the storehouse as he passed by you.
“Shit,” you muttered. You adjusted your baseball cap. Looking over your shoulder, you saw the ranch hands watching the exchange.
“What the hell are you all looking at!” Rip bellowed. “Get your asses back to work!”
While you had never been the target of John’s anger or “talks,” you had been around when it happened. It wasn’t a pretty sight, to be sure.
John was pacing when you arrived at the storehouse. His boots thudded hard on the wooden floor. He had his cowboy hat in one hand while the other ran through his hair.
“You’re upset with me, John so, let’s get this over with so I can get back to vaccinating those calves,” you informed him.
John regarded you for a moment. It looked like he was about to cry. Finally, he turned away from you.
“I’m not mad, Y/N,” said, his voice softer now. John turned back to face you. “I’d like for you and the girls to stay but I’ll respect your decision if you leave.”
You exhaled a breath you didn’ t know you were holding. “With Lee gone I thought you’d want to have the house to yourself.”
“Those girls, well, that’s all we have left of Lee. I don’t want to miss a day of their lives. And don’t think it’s just about them. I’ve thought about you as my daughter since Lee brought you here for the first time,” John admitted. It was a rarity to see John show emotion or express what he was feeling.
You wiped the tears from your cheeks. “I never wanted to leave. We’ll stay,” you said, then smiled. “And I’d love to be here full time.”
John grinned. “Good. Good. The job is yours.” He put his arms around and hugged you. “I love you, Y/N.”
You hugged him back. “Love you too, John.”
“Now get your ass out there and get back to work,” he said jokingly.
“Why isn’t he home?” you asked softly. Your question wasn’t directed at anyone so, no one answered. John and the rest of the crew had been back for a couple of hours at this point. The retrieval of the cattle didn’t go as planned, that much you knew. Your foot tapped in time with your racing heart.
Beth was smoking her umpteenth cigarette. The smoke curled around her head and off into the early morning air.
John was pacing between the stone pillars of the large porch. Deep lines around his eyes and mouth showed the stress and worry he had experienced over the years.
Rip had his head leaned back on the rocking chair, his gaze in the same direction as everyone else. Stoic and loyal was the best way to describe the quiet man who served as a brother figure to you.
As early morning broke over the mountains, you saw movement. “Lee,” you called in relief, running toward the figure on horseback. As the form came closer, you could make out the face. It was Kayce, the youngest of the Dutton’s. He had something draped over the back of his horse.
Behind you, the dull thud of fast footsteps and voices dinned when you recognized the cowboy hat in Kayce’s hand. He dismounted the horse, his lips were moving, but you couldn’t hear him. “Why do you have Lee’s hat, Kayce? He’s going to be mad when he finds out you have it.” Your voice was calm, but your mind was chaos as you brushed past him.
“Y/N,” Kayce said, trying to get your attention. He grabbed your elbow, but you jerked away from him.
Pulling back the blanket to see Lee limp and lifeless, his usually hot body now cold were the last things you fully remembered from that day. First, there was screaming, which you later realized was you, as Rip pulled you away from Lee’s body. Then, talking all around you, lots of talking, but you couldn’t remember a word that was spoken.
A friend doctor of John’s came to the house to give you a sedative, and it took effect quickly. Then, before drifting off to sleep, you remembered your head lying in Beth’s lap as she stroked your hair and softly sang to you.
Lee’s funeral was the warmest and sunniest day of spring. As the minister spoke, you turned your face to the sky. The sun felt so good on your skin. It brought back memories of the days you and Lee would slip away for a picnic. He would spread out a blanket, and the two of you would lay and just talk about your future or find shapes in the clouds. The memory made you happy for a moment until you remembered there would be no more picnics or finding shapes in the clouds.
“Lee’s wife would like to share some words in remembrance of her husband,” the minister said.
Beth squeezed your hand and gave you a small, encouraging smile. Then, she reached out to hold Kate. Beth snuggled Kate onto her shoulder. Even though Beth had a hard outer core like her father, she had a soft spot when it came to her nieces.
John held Anne’s and Everly’s hands. “You ok?” John asked softly.
“Yeah. Thanks,” you answered. John and Beth both declined to speak. You touched both of the girls' cheeks before going to stand in front of Lee’s casket. Taking a deep cleansing breath,, you unfolded the piece of paper on which you had written your goodbye.
“I met Lee when I was 17. As soon as he smiled at me, that was it. I was in love." A small smile crossed your lips. "Lee was handsome, kind, gentle, smart, and thankfully he fell in love with me too. I got to marry my best friend. Not many people can say that. I will miss and love him until the day we are reunited."
"Lee had different personas. Son, brother, rancher, cowboy, and friend. My favorites were husband and father. I will make sure they know that our girls Anne, Everly, and Kate know just how much their Daddy loved them and that he lived his life for them."
“Lee was proud to be a Dutton and to carry on the ranch like his father and those before him. John and Evelyn did a tremendous job raising Lee to be the man he was: strong, loyal, kind, loving, hard-working, intelligent, and resilient.”
“These last few days have been challenging for us as a family. Without John, Beth, and Rip I truly don’t think I could have made it. I hope I have been the same for them.” You folded the piece of paper and clutched it in your hand.
You kissed the tips of your fingers then touched the smooth wood of Lee's casket. "Until later, my love," you whispered.
"Thought you could use this," John said as he joined you on the porch. He handed you a lowball glass containing whiskey on rocks.
The sun was just setting, painting the sky in reds, pinks, and yellows.
"Thanks for the drink and earlier," you said, then took a small sip. After the funeral, you stayed until Lee was lowered into the ground and his casket covered in fresh dirt. Even then, you couldn't leave him. John was the one that encouraged you to come in.
John nodded in acknowledgment.
"Aren't you joining me?"
John chuckled. "Darlin', if I have another drink, I'll have to pour myself into bed." John leaned against one of the stone pillars staring out into the open fields.
Things were quiet between you and John for several minutes. The only sounds were the cows lowing, faint music coming from the bunkhouse, and the far-off howl of a coyote.
"Now what?" you asked.
John turned back to you. “We live each day so that when it's our time we get to be with them again.”
Sunrise over the snow-capped mountains was something you would never tire of no matter how many times you saw it. The land that the ranch sat on went as far as the eye could see and then some. You marveled at the beauty and history of the land that you had to privilege to live on.
The Yellowstone Dutton Ranch was the biggest in the United States and Lee was the successor to the kingdom as it were. Your father-in-law had been grooming Lee to take over since he was born. It meant long, hard hours so you took every chance to be together that you could. Even if it was a cold morning, over a cup of coffee he wouldn’t have time to finish.
From the corner of your eye, you caught your husband, Lee, watching you instead. “We came out to admire the scenery,” you said taking a sip of your hot tea. Who would have thought the cocky cowboy you met fifteen years ago would be your husband and father of your children.
“I’m doing just that,” he remarked. Lee bent down to give you a kiss. He caught your eyes wandering to the horses. “How much do you miss it?”
“Depends on the day,” you answered with a shrug. Barrel racing had been your forte when you were younger winning multiple buckles. The prize money alone paid a good chunk of veterinary school. It was how you met Lee. He rode the broncos.
“Well, you’ll be back in the saddle soon.”
Your third child had been born just over six weeks ago via C-section and you were still healing. Besides three girls all under the age of four was more than enough to keep you busy.
“How about I take you for a ride tonight?” you said suggestively.
Lee growled and pulled you close. He kissed you hard as his hand rested on your bottom.
“Hey,” came a deep voice from behind you. “You guys keep that up and we’ll run out of rooms in the house.” The gravelly voice belonged to the infamous John Dutton, your father in law. Even though his face remained serious you could see the hint of a smile pulling at his lips. He may have a hard exterior but his granddaughters broke through pretty quickly.
“Time to roll out,” Rip called from the other side of the gate.
“Gotta go, babe,” Lee said. “I’ll see ya tonight.”
“Be safe.”
“Always am,” he called back over his shoulder. He caught up quickly with John. They mounted their horses and joined the others.
As predicted, it was late when Lee came home. You could hear both men talking downstairs in hushed tones. While you couldn’t make out what they were discussing, you knew it was serious. A few minutes later Lee made his way to the bedroom after checking on the girls.
“Why are you still up?” Lee asked before leaning over and kissing your lips.
Marking the page in your book you set it on the nightstand. “Just finished nursing Katie. Anyway, you know I can’t sleep until you’re home safe,” you responded.
Lee held out his arms then patted himself down. “All intact.” He sauntered to the bed crawling over to you. “I seem to remember someone wanting a ride?”
“I love you but you smell like cattle and taste like whiskey,” you commented when he got close enough to kiss you.
“Off to the shower, I go.” Lee turned walking to the large restroom. He shed his shirt then turned to you. “You could join me,” he said, nodding toward the shower.
“Mornin’,” John said as you entered the dining room. He reached his arms out for Everly who you were holding on your hip, Anne was skipping along behind you. She jumped into his lap. Katie had just gotten back to sleep after being up most of the night.
You groaned when you lowered yourself onto the padded dining chair. “Good morning.” The girls started eating off John’s plate as they did most mornings. Grabbing a plate you filled it with bacon, eggs, and toast.
“Not the healthiest breakfast,” Beth commented with a bloody Mary in hand. Beth Dutton was your hard a nails sister-in-law and best friend. While your lives were very different from one another, you still found common ground: family.
“Yeah. That’s the breakfast of champions,” you quipped pointing a fork at her drink.
She smirked. “Well if my brother didn’t keep you knocked up or you didn’t have a baby hanging from your boob you could join me.”
“Tell me, Beth. Whose wife are you hiding from this time?” you asked.
“Try wives,” she quipped.
Both of you laughed. John shook his head at your banter. You had missed her so much. Other than your daughters there weren’t any other women on the ranch. Casey, the youngest of Lee siblings, his wife Monica and their son lived close but John and Casey didn’t see eye to eye on a lot of things.
“When did you blow into town?” you asked. “Late last night, early this morning. It depends on your perspective,” she answered with a shrug. She took a measured sip of her bloody Mary.
“I need to get to work,” John announced. Anne hopped from his lap and he passed Everly to you.
“You can take a day off, Daddy,” Beth suggested.
Even knowing your words would fall on deaf ears you put in your two cents. “Besides it’s Saturday. I’m sure Lee and Rip have it under control-”
“Ladies, weekends mean nothing to horses or cattle. I have never missed a day of work on this ranch and I don’t plan to now,” John said. He kissed all of you on the head. “Jamie will be here later today. Got some issues with cattle to sort out,” he said. He gingerly put a hand to his side with a grimace as he walked out the door.
Not many people knew about his recent surgery to remove a tumor in his colon. You, Lee and Beth, were the only ones to have been granted that knowledge.
“Most stubborn man I have ever met in my life and your brother is the second,” you said with a sigh.
“I’m going to need something stronger than this if Jamie will be here,” Beth mumbled as she pushed herself up from the dining table. You watched as her silk robe flapped behind as she left the room.
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