brain mush

20 | blog for personal rants about life and other interests

[mybraincat]

hi… i’m using this blog as a kind of diary. i’m trying to put my thoughts somewhere but i hate the idea of journaling (making my thoughts a physical thing is terrifying).

i’ll ramble about my feelings, life, gender, identity, school, career, quite literally everything. including side interests that don’t fall into the same space as my main blog.

please view me as an unidentifiable blob of a person. thanks!

[mybraincat]

also want to tell the world that i am aware of mark leaving nct and trust me i was and am still devastated

[mybraincat]

i go to sleep watching sleep deprived video so their little bits or stims become MY bits and stims. then when i refer to sdp in passing to anyone literally no one knows wtf i’m talking about

[gaypandert]

Wholesome chungus

[mybraincat]

still sad over sdp slowing down but i know it’s for the best <3 i’m still rewatching and enjoying hehe

my favorite video is the COD zombies video where they recorded in the morning

[mybraincat]

idk what this is but like sometimes i just get shit stuck in my head and feel like i have to talk to someone. but let me explain more because this is much more than needing to talk to someone.

i playing fortnite and i, deadass, felt the urge to ask my friends what kind of beans they have during thanksgiving. now i couldn’t ask right away but i question kept going in my head over and over like if don’t ask the question im gonna fucking explode.

sometimes i don’t get to say the things i want or ask the question, and it stays in my head for a while. eventually it does just go away.

this thing though??? i feel anxious when i can’t talk about something out loud it’s like crazy bad idk bro

[mybraincat]

i found an old app i used to use in 2021 to journal and wow…. i was seriously like not okay. and the people mentioned so often are people i don’t speak to anymore? god… that hurts lmao

[mybraincat]

i have been xp farming on fortnite and the afk area just makes you run in place collecting coins so the sound effect is annoying right?? so instead of muting i usually leave it going so if i hear it stop it’s cuz my game turned off or something. now im trying to sleep and these bugs im hearing outside sounds faintly like im collecting coins….. i thought i was going crazy

[mybraincat]

saw a post saying “when my chronically offline hg does an asian accent in front of my they/them friend” with that one hamilton audio over it. the comments were filled with people who agreed. a lot of them being “as a they/them this is very funny” are you a white person?

also like four people i knew liked the post who were all white. it’s very strange. two of them i know is queer but it seems they forget that they’re white first…. very strange people

[mybraincat]

just looked at myself in the mirror while wearing my airpods and just now realized how dorky i look oh my god

[mybraincat]

oh

my god

schlatt is the recording studio??!?? fuck bro

[requiem-on-water]

(1) Luke Miller (2) Joshua Woroniecki (3) Mihai Alexandru Grecea (4) Yevhenii Kariavka

[mybraincat]

recently i’ve been trying to keep to myself more (failing btw but im slowly getting better i think). like i used to post on my story about anything and im just thinking… no one cares… and you’d think that would encourage me more to post whatever but im just thinking if no one cares why should i share my interests? interests, feelings, thoughts, etc. i don’t need to share these things. if someone wants to know they can ask. i’ve been slowing down on the random rants to my friends or info dumps, random posts on my story. if i do post i don’t add text. small things like that. usually every month i do a photo dump but goddamn i really don’t wanna do that anymore! and i don’t think i will. it lasted for over a year and i had been doing it since i saw my friend do it but now? i don’t care. if anything i might even archive my previous dumps but idk. i’ve been just wanting to close into myself more. that sounds bad but i feel like i’ve been giving myself up too much. in a selfish way? like okay let’s think and listen to people more. idk its a weird train of thought. i’m going to stick with it though.

[mybraincat]

so i lied i did do one more photo dump but i feel like im set with not doing anymore. turns out it would be exactly 2 years since starting to do this lmao. i’m kind of sick of it! i always post with my music too and i felt like i started to care about my music history which i shouldn’t lmao. also just stupid stuff where i’m trying to do something everyday/every month is really taxing and annoying. i’m already doing duolingo everyday (i’m almost at my 500 day streak i can’t stop)(and im learning the korean alphabet now since finishing hiragana and katakana lmao). its small but taxing and annoying! i rather just have one or none of something and just focus on school and getting and job. anyway i’m also thinking about archiving everything but im like an archive HATER so idk lmao. my finsta was actually turned into this private spam (not really spamming) account. do i want it to be a finsta again? no, definitely not. any interests i want to express will be here on tumblr or twitter lol. these days i think i just wanna chill out a bit more on my self expression. that sounds really bad right??? idk it’s weird. i have a need to be nonchalant since all my online life i’ve been so chalant lmao. it’s hard to explain. maybe i’m growing up? idk idk. we’ll see where it goes

[mybraincat]

recently i’ve been trying to keep to myself more (failing btw but im slowly getting better i think). like i used to post on my story about anything and im just thinking… no one cares… and you’d think that would encourage me more to post whatever but im just thinking if no one cares why should i share my interests? interests, feelings, thoughts, etc. i don’t need to share these things. if someone wants to know they can ask. i’ve been slowing down on the random rants to my friends or info dumps, random posts on my story. if i do post i don’t add text. small things like that. usually every month i do a photo dump but goddamn i really don’t wanna do that anymore! and i don’t think i will. it lasted for over a year and i had been doing it since i saw my friend do it but now? i don’t care. if anything i might even archive my previous dumps but idk. i’ve been just wanting to close into myself more. that sounds bad but i feel like i’ve been giving myself up too much. in a selfish way? like okay let’s think and listen to people more. idk its a weird train of thought. i’m going to stick with it though.

[mybraincat]

i’ve been watching moist critikal a lot recently and he’s so funny cuz he just stands there like 🧍

[mybraincat]

it weird there’s thoughts where i have to tell someone??? like it’s so stupid too. like i’m drinking cold green tea with my blondie and the green tea cuts the sweetness. kind of like how people drink coffee with cakes and of the such. anyway i’m not a coffee person and don’t like the bitterness of it. however. the green tea’s bitterness is so nice and refreshing. it’s not as strong. anyway that’s all my brain should (hopefully) calm down

[mybraincat]

let me yap here more because i have a severe case of typing too much and i look at my texts and just see how much i type like wtf am i doing writing all that. like i think its cuz i write exactly what im thinking (literally what im doing right now) and i barely abbreviate or shorten anything. idk i also feel like i over explain or just add unnecessary shit for reason which i just hate so much???!!! like i feel like im overwhelming the other person who im texting. and in gcs i just kind of say shit (which other people in the gc also do) when i dont need to??? like i was just about to talk about moist critikal and how his fall falls in ways sometimes that makes it look like he has beautiful layers. girl wtf are you talking about. and i know for a fact no one is gonna acknowledge that dump. like i need to calm down.

i also feel like i do this cuz im overcompensating for being a difficult person and over apologizing and explaining reasons why for everything when i dont really owe anyone that?? especially if people don’t explain shit to me. like i had a change in plans today and i was about to tell her the play by play of how i found out my mom was feeling sick lmao. i literally stopped myself. i was like no… i don’t need to explain this at all???

the less i say the more there is for the other person to think themselves and most people i’m friends with never push so i can lie outta my ass if i need to. i genuinely freaked out when i lied to my friend about not going to a thing and freaked out to my mom thinking that my lie was obvious. my mom, telling me im crazy (not actually but you get it), saying she won’t push it. turns out she was right and my friend didn’t and idk if she gave a shit or not i really do not know. like i could’ve just left it at “i can’t go sorry” like i do not owe anyone an explanation they didn’t ask for