anyway…there’s a reason spock can’t find happiness with t’pring. it’s the same reason he can’t find happiness with christine. both of those relationships fail because of something glaringly obvious. it’s the same reason he still feels alienated among his crewmates, his friends - despite him trying so hard to embrace his humanity.
these people, try as they might, don’t actually accept him for who he is. his friends don’t have ill intentions when they try to teach him about the nuances of human jokes, about emotions and feelings, but ultimately, they still expect him to change himself if he wants to be understood and if he wants people to meet him halfway. he is constantly having to explain the reasons behind his reactions (e.g. sam blowing up at him for not having more of a visible reaction when the gorn killed someone from their away team) and it must be exhausting.
t’pring couldn’t stand the human part of him that wanted to explore the stars. she even tried to understand this part of him, but at the end of the day, could not comprehend the more complex parts of him that existed below the surface. he also had to constantly prove himself to her - and her parents - and all of vulcan that he was enough for choosing the vulcan way, and they still rejected him. it would have never worked out. spock would have spent the rest of his life believing he was flawed and imperfect just for being born half human.
with chapel, i think spock was always just a safe choice for her. we know commitment scares her and know she’s flighty. spock was with t’pring and therefore not a possibility to her - until he was, and then he was there, embracing all the aspects of human courtship, trying to understand romance at a deeper level, and it was too much for her. it wasn’t the way she thought this would go. yes, she pursued him, because it was fun and she was not expecting how quick spock would want to make things serious. i don’t think she was able to accept that relationships will always be a serious thing for spock, because of how deeply vulcan emotions run, and eventually, she sees a way out and she takes it.
the issue with these relationships is that not a single person has accepted spock for who he is, without trying to change him, or expecting more from him than he’s able to give. these relationships do not work because love means accepting the person you’re with exactly for how they are.
jim is maybe the first ever person to do this for spock. in tos, whenever a crewmate/delegate from another planet/random character we only see for two seconds insults spock or makes comments about his behavior, jim gets incredibly pissed and immediately tells them to cut that shit out. jim never asks spock to do something that would make him uncomfortable. jim respects his boundaries. jim treats him like an equal, like he treats any other person aboard the enterprise, not like some emotionless alien. more than that - jim values what makes spock different, and genuinely wants to be around him. jim pushes spock to be the best version of himself, without ever expecting, or wanting, him to change. jim actually loves him unconditionally.
i think what makes their relationship great is that spock doesn’t really know what the fuck to do about the way jim treats him! in snw, we see him just kind of going through the motions of what he thinks it means to be a good friend/partner/science officer, and it often means changing himself and making himself more palatable to his human counterparts. he’s used to this and has been told this is the tried and true method to make relationships work. with jim, he doesn’t need to do any of this, and i think it probably makes him feel strange at first and maybe even makes him put his guard up a little.
when we eventually get the whole, ‘when I feel friendship for you, I am ashamed’ line, it’s not friendship spock’s ashamed of. he’s had friends before!
he’s probably realized he’s fallen in love for the first time with someone who doesn’t seem to want or expect anything from him (besides just wanting him to be himself!) and it freaks him out.
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