Heather C.

“But I'm feeling nice, here’s some advice: LISTEN UP BIYACH!” The almighty of Westerberg High Heathers: the Musical rp blog

[mythiccandystore]

Hello, sluts!

Do I even need to introduce myself to you? I’m like oxygen. I’M EVERYWHERE! I mean, come on I’m only the most important person in Westerberg. They all want me as a friend or a screw. I’m worshipped in these halls so I hope you brought knee pads!

I make the trains run on time. Everyone knows their place. The yearbook gets done properly, the prom is consistently awesome, and the Spirit Float always wins a goddamn blue ribbon. My parents even pay the teacher’s salaries.

There’s no Westerberg High without Heather Chandler. If I say “jump” you say “how high?” If I say “shut up” you shut up. And if I have a problem with you? Well, fuck me gently with a chainsaw do I look like Mother Teresa? I will CRUCIFY you. Not even the losers and geek squad will touch you!

So, for your sake I hope we get along and you’re not too much of a pillowcase for my taste. Just do everything I say and you might even be able to make it to graduation without having to transfer to Jefferson or Washington. It’ll be so very!

(ADMIN + RP INFO)

(ABOUT HEATHER CHANDLER) [TBA]

Divider credits: @/honeyluvsw and @/enchanthings

[mythiccandystore]

Hi Heather chandelier!

Hey, uhhhhh excuse me actually my last name is “Chandler”. Since I’m feeling nice I’ll spell it out for you: C-H-A-N-D-L-E-R and I’d prefer you pronounced it correctly next time please. Do I look like a GODDAMN CHANDELIER to you? Bad speller much? God, were you thrown out of kindergarten? Flunked out of the spelling bee in middle school because you will now! Who do you think you are? Are you trying to embarrass yourself because if so you’re doing great, sweetie. This whole school knows my name. EVERYONE KNOWS MY NAME! I’m like oxygen. I’m everywhere. Do you not breathe oxygen? That would explain why you’re such a mouth breather. I mean seriously-if you keep mispronouncing people’s names you’ll be HUNG UP ON A CHANDELIER BY GRADUATION when the jocks decide to touch you! And you don’t want that, right?

Nice. Didn’t think so…

[mythiccandystore]

You better enjoy your high school years while it lasts. Because when it's over, guess what? No one is going to give a shit about you. No one is going to care what you have to say. No one is going to care that you think they’re ugly, or dress badly, or they’re stupid. You'll be nothing. Just another loser on the street, just like the rest of us. Don't worry, though, Heather. We'll do the honor of turning their heads away from you when we laugh.

(TW: fat shaming!)

Excuse me? Who are you? Holy crap, give it to the loser squad to try and give it to you straight. Jesus. And then you and all your geek friends live happily ever after while I wear a trash bag from the dollar store on the side of the road? Please. Give me a break. Peaking in high school is for quasi-fat freshman who jerk off at the hottest pictures of me. I give them a taste of the dream and all they do is stain me with their LOSERNESS! Well, nobody here at Westerberg or at the big kid’s table is going to play YOUR REINDEER GAMES! While you BABBLE AWAY LIKE A PRISS I teach REAL LIFE something you’d never understand and brush up on my conversation skills with the scum of the school because I know where I’m going to college without needing a pity grant or whining to my mommy about getting a job at the 7-Eleven and going to straight to jail.

Do you?

Do you really think that if nobody gives a shit about you right now that they’ll magically give a fuck when you’re out of a school? You really believe that?

Oh, come on. Don’t be so delusional.

You’re not the one laughing here, sweetie.

[mythiccandystore]

What kind of relationship do you have with your parents? Would you say you're on good terms?

How nice, sticking your nose in someone else’s business. Jesus. Jealous much? Did your parents abandon you on the street because they were too poor to take care of their ugly baby? Judging by your outfit you can’t afford much. Oh, come on like I give a shit what terms I’m on with my parents. I max out my dad’s credit card, my mom lets me do whatever I want as long as I’m back before curfew, and I ALWAYS SKIP MY GODDAMN TRIP TO GRANDMA’S ON SUNDAY! Uh, I’d actually prefer to get my beauty sleep over seeing that sweet, old bag thank you. My parents’ will pay for her to have a nice funeral anyway. Just because your mommy still makes you snacks or fights with daddy doesn’t mean everyone else is stunted by childhood trauma because their parents dropped them on their heads as babies. Oops, did I touch a nerve?

Whatever.

[mythiccandystore]

Is it a party without corn nuts?

Jeez. Who are you?

[mythiccandystore]

How's life goin for you ? Is your life getting that bad that you gotta act like such a jackass all the time ? Or are you just naturally bitchy.

God, if you’re going to openly be a bitch. I’m “naturally bitchy” because I can be. Come on do you really believe my life is so bad I take it out on the geek squad?! My parents can pay YOUR PARENT’S SALARY! I can buy stuff you can’t! Everyone wants to be me! Everyone wants to fuck me! I make the trains run on time! Without me? You’d all GET HIT ON THE GODDAMN TRAIN TRACKS! How else will the yearbook get done on time? What about prom? What about the spirit float? Jesus Christ! My life is awesome! You all NEED ME to not get swallowed up in a bowl of chaos! Did some pillowcase put you up to this? Trying to spread gossip by saying my life is so sad I need to work at a soup kitchen to help starving children or go to a Morrissey concert like Jason Dean? Fuck me gently with a chainsaw people will say ANYTHING to be popular! This school is NOTHING without me and what’s my thanks? Rumors about my life that are not only NOT TRUE but aren’t your business!

Monday morning, you’re history now, loser!

[mythiccandystore]

what songs are socially acceptable to listen to

Do I look like I care what music you listen to? I mean seriously. Presumptuous much? It’s like you’re obsessed with me. Are you obsessed with that I like? Jealous you can’t be like me? Jeez, you don’t have to drool all over me because you can’t afford expensive stuff. Wear headphones and nobody has to hear the GODDAMN COWBOY AND POLKA MUSIC on your Walkman you stupid fuck! But, uhhh since I’m feeling nice I’ll actually give you some free advice. Pop is pretty very, something nice and feminine like Madonna and Janet Jackson and her shoulder pads. Girls who play Barbies might like the more cotton candy Cyndi Lauper stuff. Oh, come on…do you want to look like you still watch Sesame Street in high school? Let me know when the next My Little Pony rerun and how the swing set line is tomorrow! Or never…

For a country song “9 to 5” by Dolly Parton is so very. Girls listen to shitty pop music about wanting to have fun, but us women in the real life, adult world that’s sucking us dry listen to music about the workforce.

[mythiccandystore]

Heather what would you do if corn nuts didnt exist anymore?

(TW: Weight and diet reference!)

God, come on seriously? If you’re going to pull on MY DICK and fuck me over at least take me out to dinner first! You ask me a question knowing I ask the questions around here? Like I give a shit…I’m already writing the next lunchtime poll question, it’ll be pretty very. Corn Nuts are everywhere, asshole. It’s not a party WITHOUT CORN NUTS! My parents are paying our teacher’s GODDAMN SALARIES you don’t think I could get my own Corn Nuts even if they were discontinued? My parents could buy the whole company AND I COULD MAKE IT RAIN CORN NUTS UNTIL NEXT SEMESTER IF I WANTED TO AND STILL NOT LOOK LIKE THE BEFORE IN A SCARSDALE DIET AD! Only a POOR PILLOWCASE WITH A SMALL HOUSE would have to worry about Corn Nuts shortages!

I know what I’m eating with lunch tomorrow, do you?

[mythiccandystore]

What is your definition of success?

Oh, looking for some free advice now? Quelle surprise. It’s always the gross nobodies and lame asses always asking how to be like me. But since I’m feeling nice and charitable I’ll help you out, that is, if you’re cut out for it. I teach real life to the first graders who want to become grown ups like us. Success is something you earn. It’s not given out to pathetic freaks who want it without working for it like a hand out. You want be an eagle you have to grow a pair and learn to fly. Life doesn’t give you seatbelts to cushion you, wastoid! If you don’t earn your place among all the happy kids in the candy store then you don’t deserve to live the dream.

Have fun playing dolls while your mommy makes you cookies, Sweetie! All of us in the real world will be pounding rum and coke in my Porsche with the quarterbacks. It’ll be SO very!…And for you too…Eugh.

[mythiccandystore]

Do you believe in second chances?

Uhhhh, do I look like a charity to you, asshole? I know I at least dress better than those LOSERS who give away their clothes to the poor at Goodwill. Look, it’s nothing personal but I believe that if you cross me YOU DON’T GET TO COME BACK FROM THAT! Chances don’t come for free, they’re earned by the worthy and if you repay me with disrespect then you don’t deserve the right to a second chance! Wave bye bye to having friends and a reputation because I will make sure EVERYONE knows who to not eat lunch with on Monday unless they want to be doing janitorial services by CLEANING THE TOILETS WITH THEIR TEETH FOR THE REST OF THE SCHOOL YEAR! It’s always the good little girls and guys with something to hide. Jeez, cut me some slack and shut up already.

Maybe if you beg nicely but you’re still dead to me you stupid fuck <3

[mythiccandystore]

Ok, Westerbergers! Lunchtime poll! Check this out:

If you could make it rain one school lunch for the rest of the semester what would it be?

Square Pizza

Tater Tots

Salisbury Steak

Sloppy Joes

Hot Dogs

Other more *refined* options your mommy fixed you.

Voting ended onMar 1

[mythiccandystore]

Hii there!! ^^ I just have one question, why IS your favorite color red? Sorry if I'm being invasive, just curious

(TW: references to weight, EDs, and body shaming!)

Hi, enthusiastic much? Aren’t I the one who usually asks the questions around here? I mean seriously, without me there’s no lunchtime poll. Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast? Only a pillowcase would think to wear red! Red looks best on me. All the best power suits are red. My lipstick is red. My croquet ball is red even if Heather thinks she can be red when I’m always red! I know red is her favorite color but, red adds a few pounds on her and we can’t have that in the group. Bulimia is so 87 and she really needs to get caught up with the times. No shame in looking good in green. Green is a nice color. It’s the color of…trees…and puke…Just some friendly advice, but red is my color because I said it’s my color. Everyone at Westerberg sees red and thinks of me. Red is power around here. It’s pretty very.

[mythiccandystore]

Hey man, some advice here. If Verónica ever hands you a mug when you ask for a hang over cure, look inside first before drinking. This some good advice trustt

Nice “advice”. I don’t just take mugs from everyone. Do I look like I want to drink someone’s ungrateful spit, asshole? You think I’ll drink it just because Veronica gave it to me? Please, pranks happen all the time. If Veronica thinks she can pull one over on me by pouring shit in my mug she’s going to have to try harder than that. Even if I trusted her as a best friend that CEO-of-Spencer’s-coupons she calls a boytoy might try to put gunk in my mug and call it a “hangover cure.” He’s probably too busy moping around the gas station to know what a beer keg tastes like. But, here’s some advice to you: really? You think I’d be friends with someone so immature as to pour one on me as a joke?! I’d crucify her! Make sure everyone knows good little Veronica Sawyer isn’t as squeaky clean as she says she is! If she wants to play dolls and put a whoopee cushion under my seat then she doesn’t deserve to be a somebody!

[mythiccandystore]

(TW: very insensitive discussions of suicide!)

Kill myself? Jesus, don’t pop a Xanax you might choke on it. I’m not one of those “troubled teens” from the magazines. Grippy socks are for the gross and comatose. Nice try but I’m not going anywhere. The school needs me. Without me? Chaos. All the monkeys running loose in the gym! We need a strong leader to keep the zoo in check. I keep the GODDAMN ICEBERG FROM SINKING THE TITANIC! Pathetic losers kill themselves when nobody wants to listen to their WHINING anymore. The strong stay alive even when life gets tough. If I killed myself at every inconvenience I’d be dead by fourth period. I’m above the suicide statistic. I am the one percent. I can’t leave Heather and Heather to their own devices can I?

Thanks for calling me sexy, hon. Always feels nice to know all this effort gets appreciated.

[mythiccandystore]

Who's your best friend in the entirety of all of Westerburg, brosquito

Bros-what? Someone’s been hanging out too much with the jockourage. Aw, been learning slang from Kurt and Ram? Well, that’s rich. Cause the only mosquito I see here is you. I would prefer you didn’t make me choose between my friends in front of the whole school. I love all of us Westerbergers! I guess if I really have to choose: uhhhh maybe Heather or Heather. Veronica too; she’s come so far but she’s still got a long way to go before she reaches true best friend. Does that answer satisfy you? Does it suffice? Quit farming hot gos where there isn’t any. Now fly away little mosquito unless you want to get crushed under my heel.

<3

[mythiccandystore]

Have you ever have a crush on a girl before??

(TW: Homophobia and slurs)

Come on, this again? Jealous much? God, anyone will say anything to make them popular! If you’re looking for dirt go play in the mud like the little kids during recess because NOBODY IS GOING TO GIVE YOU ANY! We don’t all wear bull dyke patches on our sleeves like Tracy. Spin the bottle is SO middle school. Experimenting is for loser lesbos and pussy punchers at Summer Camp in 85. Admit it, we all knew their big secret. What the girls were doing in the closet late at night instead of sleeping. Kimberly who shared a cabin with me was such a pillowcase, sneaking out after curfew to hold hands and make out by the fire pit. Just because I hang with girls doesn’t mean I’m a butch. It means I don’t give boys a shot and can you blame me? Nothing sounds more gross than a kegger with Ram "Wham-bam-thank-you-maam" Sweeney.

[mythiccandystore]

Yo, since valentines day is coming up, who you planning to go with? Or at least who are you gonna fiddle around with for the event till it's all over.

(TW: Sexual content and slut-shaming)

Hello. Who am I going with? Who are you? Is this an invitation to join the team from the loser virgins fuck club? Jesus, like I give a shit. All the boys want me as a fuck for Valentine’s Day. I mean seriously. I’m gifted chocolate more expensive than your lipgloss, the scum of the school brush up on their conversation skills just to impress me, and my locker is always filled with a goddamn OCEAN of Valentine’s cards every year! I’m so over it with all these Westerberg boys. They’re so easy. All I have to do is whistle next to a nearby closet and say “Oh, boys! Over here please!” For them to come to me with their Rottweiler tails between their legs like good little boys who only want a quick screw from me. Nice, but they’re all dead to me. Do I look like a slut to you? I’ll be at the party drinking hard and hanging with Heather and Heather. I don’t want to screw around with all the boy toys who only see me as their wet dream fantasy.