“Um, where’s the bathroom?” Wirt asked.
“Amon, show him to the bathroom,” Pacifica commanded, waving her hand. One of her security guards stepped forward from a darkened corner, like a wraith appearing from a shadow. Wirt nervously placed his napkin on the table and stood up.
Dipper watched Wirt go to make sure he was out of earshot before he leaned forward and said to Pacifica, as stern and serious as he could, “What can I do to keep you from killing him.”
It was rare to see Pacifica caught off guard. Her life was curated to her needs– no one ever took what was hers. And yet here Dipper was.
“What do you mean?” Pacifica asked. If Dipper wasn’t mistaken, there was a tone of intrigue in her voice.
“I mean… I mean I don’t want him to die,” Dipper said. He wasn’t sure what magic words he could say to make Pacifica agree. He just had to hope that after all these years she still had a heart. Pacifica watched him, her surprise growing with every word he spoke. “I just– I really like him, okay? I don’t know why I’m so drawn to him, but the thought of you… of you killing him makes me ill. I want… I want to know him.”
Pacifica’s mouth crept open into an incredulous smile. “Ah! Do you have a little crush, Dipper?”
“I– I don’t know,” Dipper admitted. “There’s just something about him.”
Pacifica squinted at him. “Are you sure you’re not just trying to steal my meal from me? I worked hard to get this one, just so you know. I picked him as a personal challenge.”
Dipper looked up in horror. “No! I couldn’t hurt him. I just don’t want him to die! I’m so serious, Paz.”
Pacifica regarded him quietly for a moment before sighing in defeat. “Fine. You can have him. But like I said, getting him wasn’t easy. I’ve been looking forward to tonight for weeks.”
“Thank you!” Dipper cried.
But Pacifica continued. “You can get what you want on one condition: that you actually try to score with him. I’m not letting you save his life for nothing. If I can’t get my pleasure out of him, you’d better be able to get yours. I’m doing this for you because I love you, and I know you, and I don’t want you to pass this opportunity up. Oh, and another condition. You perform at my next party.”
Pacifica smirked and sat back in her chair, arms folded over her chest. She closed her eyes and began to quietly sing the lyrics to Disco Girl, looking too pleased with herself. Dipper took the opportunity to quickly snag the wine glass from Wirt’s place at the table and hide it on the floor.
Pacifica opened her eyes. “You heard me, BABBA boy.”
Dipper covered his face with his hands. He would do anything. Even that. Even though he could hardly stomach the thought of it, it was a small price to pay for a life. He peeked at Pacifica through his fingers. “Fine.” He cleared his throat and placed his hands neatly on the table. “So why did you pick him?”
“For the challenge,” Pacifica shrugged. “He’s obviously not like the others. The humans I bring to dinner are so easy it’s laughable. I just walk up and say hello and it’s like they’re begging me to fuck and kill them. Wirt… my intentions with him were pure, at first. I really did need help with the new house. And he really is good. I was sad to see him go, so thanks, I guess. But he wouldn’t submit to me like the others. He wasn’t champing at the bit to sleep with me. He needed to be worn down, so I wore him down. It took months to get to the point where it seemed like he’d be down to fuck. Tonight was supposed to be the crescendo of our relationship, Dipper! But if you like him that much, you should do the honors, right? Maybe I should go for more normies in the future. I need that closure now. I like to finish what I start.”
Dipper struggled to empathize at all with Pacifica. He was just glad Wirt was safe. As if on cue, Wirt and the bodyguard returned. Both vampires smiled silently at him as he sat down. Dipper could hear Wirt’s breath catching, his heart pounding. They were being too weird. He had to say something normal.
“Hi,” Dipper said. Fuck. In what fucking world is that normal? What, next should I ask if he had a good piss?
Wirt smiled awkwardly at him and quickly looked away to smooth his napkin over his lap. “Hi.”
“Lord help us,” Pacifica grumbled.
