...your ex.
While we were in the middle of what could have been easily classified as an affair. Well—an affair for you at least. I was quite honest and transparent with what was going on.
But ... now that's actually in the past. And now ...you actually FEEL like my ex.
Which is WILD considering we didn't date. Wild considering that our story happened while I'm WITH my boyfriend. Wild because as much as everyone (me, my bofyriend and you) joked about us being a side relationship, I didn't really think it to be true.
Well—until we had that fight in your car—which I suppose functioned quite like a breakup.
And now ... here we are. Standing at the precipice of rekindling a friendship. Except I don't believe that.
We're at the precipice of rekindling our usual cycle.
Step 1: We fight.
Step 2: We take space (this one was the longest for sure).
Step 3 (we are HERE): We come back together and have a great time. (Well, I'm on edge the whole time, but that's pretty par the course)
Step 4: We steadily get closer again. Texting. Snapping. Communicating. All the things that make us who we are, blossoms.
Step 5: We hang out often. (But the trick here is the tension that's built)
Step 6: We find ourselves too close to breaking—or we break.
Step 7: You blow it all up. (Usually Paul is somewhere in this equation—a fight you had with him—blocking him—him leaving—him ignoring you for a year)
Step 8: Go back to Step 1
And the cycle repeats.
And it repeats again.
And again.
I'm quite tired of the cycle, but this time was no different than usual.
We're on Step 3, about to head into Step 4 right now, and it felt the same as it always does. Me on edge the moment I find myself in your car. Every part of me screaming danger. Every part of me closed off and shut down.
Us—finding laughter and connection as we always tend to. It's easy for both of us, I think. Barriers melt away at some point, but the edge remains.
We stay apart. We always do on the first hang out. Six feet apart at all times, lmao. Even on a dance floor—where we usually find ourselves intrinsically entwined—we remain at our safe distance.
It breaks—for a moment—our legs touching. Our shoulders too close. But we pull away, back to our separate spheres.
And we remain there. For a moment—at the end—our hands touch, and there's ... a second where it could end up being holding hands, but we don't do that. We walk away, and I feel like I'm navigating a conversation with my ex again.
Yep. The cycle repeats. It's up to me to break the cycle. I know that. But my willpower in breaking cycles has never been my strong suit. Add in love in there—and it's certifiably my greatest weakness.
amandla
germansingergirl
prguitarman
izzy806
turnnoffyourmind
titsay
blakekathryn
tangentwithtanner
theartofmadeline
