Mylife@40 By the age of 40 I’d set up a very nice life for myself. And then as they say “you want to make god laugh, tell him your plans….”
At 40, I got married (to a man my age, no kids, college educated - no settling). We had beautiful, traditional church wedding and hall reception with over 100 of our closest friends and family.
At 40 I moved out of my single girl waterfront condo in jersey city to live in the quiet suburbs of New Jersey with my hubs.
At 41. I had my son (no IVF, no help) i became a mother of of a lil dragon we call Marky (aka Pops cuz he’s just cool like a popsicle + he reminds me so much of my dad).
In my 40s I evolved, and my life changed….
Rewind to 1 year earlier, my life looked completely different: I had a host of New York SHINKy friends like me (Single, High Income, No Kids) like me and we travelled the world, dined at the hottest NYC restaurants on the daily, had a career with lots of perks, swag bags and hot parties/events. Life was good - who knew that at 40 it would get even better….
Fast forward 1 year later to marriage, motherhood and burbie life, I was faced with so much - a time of so much growth and resistance:
ATWORK:
“Maybe you should consider a job with more flexibility…..”
"Why did you come back here?”
MYSO-CALLEDFRIENDS:
Why wouldn’t you get a nanny?“
"Why don’t you let HIM watch the baby so you can go out or do a girlfriends trip?”
“I don’t need to hear this - Im all caught up on facebook”.
SO WHAT DID I DO? I hibernated…. i stayed away from the negative energy for a while. I spent time with my baby and made sure he KNOWS who mommy is… I went to work each day, over-performed and kept my socializing down to a minimum.
Of course, the SHINKys came for me!!
“Why don’t you spend time out anymore?”
“Damn, he got you LOCKED up like a slave?”
The response was obvious to me…but not to them: Why would I want to spend time with people who just want ME to listen to THEM and never the other way around??? People who don’t respect and support the new me? And why did these friends of mine act like my life was corny, boring and uninteresting when they KNOW they would trade places with me in a heartbeat!!
The truth - I loved every minute of my new life! I had people that depended on me - when I drive into the garage of my lovely home and open that front door at night my guys holler out “Mommys Home!!!” I had play dates, swim lessons, mother son dances and sleepy time book reading.
WHY at 40 would I pay someone else to raise my child while I spend hours doing the same thing I’ve done for years??? I wanted to be a part of his life in a major way - not part time. This new role was Better than any black tie event or industry party - it was REAL LIFE, MY LIFE ON THE B- LIST (Burbie list that is).
So here are some FAQs of encouragement for my SHINKys that Ive learned from my experience:
AM I TOO OLD FOR A TRADITIONAL WEDDING? HELLNO! New century new rules. if you have a vision of your wedding, what it should be and you have the money to pay for it, then do it. Make sure you and your fiancé are aligned tho… the wedding should never be a bigger deal than your relationship.
SHOULD I WEAR WHITE IF I’M GETTING MARRIED AT AGE 40+? HELLYES! In the words of my mom-in-law “wear your sh-t!!” As a matter of fact in your 40s you have the money for a better dress, and your taste is evolved + what’s the wedding without the show?
SHOULD I TRY TO GET PREGNANT NATURALLY for a while before consulting a Dr? NO DON’T WASTE PRECIOUS TIME! If you want kids, go straight to you GYN then a fertility Dr. I got lucky with a honeymoon conception but most that I know in their 40s aren’t so lucky. WHAT IF I’M IN MY 30s AND NOT YET MET THAT PERSON? GET THOSE EGGS FROZEN AND STORED. This is the best advice you’ll get. The fact is that IVF doesn’t work effectively in your 40s!!! I leaned that when we tried to have a second baby.
And what about friends? F-friends! fact is, You’ll loose some friends, you’ll reconnect with others you lost touch with when they had kids, and you’ll make new ones with kids the same age as yours. you’ll be surprised how organically it will happen. People that don’t want to figure out how to be a part of your new life - don’t go out of your way to please them. Let the relationship dissolve or become what it should be - whatever that is…..
Final BurbieBlurb: When life changes, Embrace the new - without fear - knowing that you’re not the only one going through change! THATS one benefit of being a 40yearold first time mom - the Wisdom of a Grandma and the uterus of a YoungGirl:).
