(Author note - read if you will it's been ages since I've updated - ZERP EDITTING I NEED THIS OUT OF MY HEAD)
Read @ 2:05 am
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2:30 am illuminates my room in blue from my alarm clock as I toss my dry phone on my bed and try to cool my annoyance. I'm not exactly pacing my room but I am definitely moving around it quite a bit as I try to busy myself with the task of tidying.
Tossing clothes into the hamper with the built up frustration. The need to clean my room growing as the state of my room registers for my brain -- depression pit. As the need to sleep doesn't appear to be a concept my brain can understand, might as well get this tidied.
Clearing out all the bits and pieces of medical supply's out from around my bed is cathartic. A small step to being better and moving on from this shit once again. My earlier 'conversation' with my dad tries to pass through my conscience but is blocked by the need to clean my room. Every section cleared is a small ounce of control of my life returned to me.
The majority of my room now clear is a great breath of fresh air. Flicking the light on in my closest to start in there next; just some clothes on the floor and shoes scatter. A visual of the lack of time I've give myself to keep my shit together. Tossing the clean or dirty clothes into the hamper not carrying to check and rather just re-wash something than deal with it.
A bundle of dark blue fabric catches my eyes as I arrange my shoes on the rack. It's tucked in a odd place and must of been there for a bit as I have definitely haven't been down to this leaving in a while. Grasping it in my hands and unraveling it.
It's the shirt that I bought myself after that person spilt beer on me at the leaf game. It must of fallen out of my hamper and been kicked aside. Flipping it around and see the back for the first time; 'MATTHEWS' is a startling visual. I thought I had bought a blank one but I also was rushed. The first thought it to toss it in the trash but that's just being dramatic.
The fabric is soft in my hands as I place it in the hamper with more care than any article of clothing I've tossed in so far. The soft spot for Auston always finds its way. Moving on to the other loose pieces of clothes through my closet doesn't take long and I'm left with a mostly full basket and finally a urge to lay down.
Stepping out of the closet (The urge to make a joke here is strong - KATIE) and standing at the foot of my bed - my unmade and could use a sheet change bed - drums up a feeling of dread. My room is so close to be clean but the sheets need to be changed.
I can't sleep in my bed and the couch feels like admitting defeat (to whom I'm not sure of). Glancing at the clock it shines back brightly with '4 am'....yikes. No time like the present to start the first half of the task to make my bed.
Stripping the my bed of all the bed is a better feeling then I was prepared for and made it easier to start the trek to silently trek to the laundry room and dump it in the wash. Then I can admit my defeat to the couch.
The stairs are a breeze with one small hiccup with loosing some pillow cases to the wind (yeah i am speed). Recollecting the cases, I make it down and beeline straight into the laundry room and dumping the fabric right into the washer. The damn 'Matthews' flashes past as it falls in with the assorted fabrics.
Syds "Either direction you go it's the right one" and Steph's "be kind to yourself" are thoughts that bounce off each other and the other offending things taking over my brain. I fish the dark blue shirt from the washer- ending its journey to being clean with the rest of the load. I stare at it like it's going to give me answers to the question I haven't thought of yet.
I go to cast it back in but the thought of it leaving my hands feeling symbolic to some thing bigger than itself. I'm definitely putting too much control in a shirt. A pull in my stomach prompts me to pull the shirt closer to my body as different paths race in my mind.
My sweet lovely Nonna who instilled a majority if not all of my beliefs in life. Who gets me. She doesn't push. She listens. She doesn't judge. She's more logical than emotional. Going to her would be going to comfy, peace , and easy.
Easy...
Auston a boy- a man. A hockey player. A good and very popular hockey player..and man. He's emotional, more than he may be even aware of. He's moody. He's unpredictable. I work his team!
I exhale through my nose and finally toss the shirt back in and mindlessly finish loading and starting washer. Pouring an unmeasured amount of detergent directly in the to basin and gently closing the lid.
My Brain mulls over the beautiful scenes of the last time I was living with my nonna. The healing I had to do and the healing I need to do again.
Again...
Trauma is a fickle thing. It's such an unsteadying experience, to live life going forward to suddenly going backwards.
Am I going backwards though?
I take stock of my self staring into the glass lid of my washer as the basin turns and the sound of the wash rushing in soothes over my ears. My body aches with tension from frustration and general recovery. This all feels dramatic. My appendix nearly or did burst? I'm not even clear on that. My throat is buzzes with the memory of screaming at my dad. A small sadness folds over my heart. He just wants to help.
I'm not the broken teenage he sent off last time.
I'm not broken and I've grown.
The smalls positive thought helps pull me from the trap of thoughts and help guide me to leave the laundry room. Carefully navigating my dark home and avoiding the tripping hazards somewhat successfully.
Seeking my Cocoon of blankets and false protection on the couch once again. The length of the day weighs my eyelids as i start to settle into the couch. Sleepy yet not ready to sleep.
The unanswered and unacknowledged text nags me again just as I fully set into position.
This isn't being kind to myself.
I have a perfectly good bed upstairs that I just cleaned and just needs new sheets. I rolled myself carefully off the couch- taking the blanket with me as they remain wrapped around me. I silently haul my goofy looking self up the stairs and back to my room. The sight much more pleasant now that it's more clean.
Foregoing the new sheets I just crawl on to the mattress and into the pillows as in - fuzzy blanket cocoon. Suddenly the most tired and ready for sleep I have been in a while. So many thoughts that stay unfinished finally dissipate enough for my mind to let rest be an option.
Just as I huff out a breath of ready to let sleep take over. My phone starts to vibrate at the end of my bed. A call coming in - a call that means that who ever is calling; called me went to voicemail immediately then called me again to override my do not disturb settings.
Slapping around the mattress until the device I smack the glass of my screen. I see Austons contact taking over the whole screen with the time into corner 5:30am.
I stare at it like it's going to bite me.
I stare until the call disconnects. My screens lights up with the notification of 2 missed calls.
I ignore it in favour of re-position myself in my pillows and lay my phone on my chest. The tiredness train having now left the station without me.
My phone buzzes one more time with a text this time.
From Auston:
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that I've been unpredictable and a 'moody little shit'. I need you know how much of a breath of fresh air you have been for me.
My stomach pulls this time not the stitches. It's something emotional and wrenching.
I impulsively hit call and the phone barely rings before Austin's deep voice comes thru.
"Amelia.." his tone is breathless almost desperate. What this man does to me. How did this happen?
"Auston.." my raspy pitchy voice sounding horrible. Especially after a lack of us and some drinking. "It's 5:30" unsure what to say I site the clock.
"I know. I'm sorry I just- I just I couldn't not say that now. I need you to know that there is something. I don't know how to be vulnerable.." he sounds so sounds so sad and like he's walking outside. The early morning Toronto bustle evident behind him.
"What are yo" I had to pause to cough a bit and clear my thought "what are you doing, Auston"
"Hoping to catch the girl" he pleads.
I startled as " no, why does it sound like your outside?"
"I am. I was hoping you could let me in"
My brain short circuits and my heart leaps with want.
"You know the code," and I hang up. I stare at the ceiling.
Am I dreaming?
Confirmed that nope I am wake when I lug myself up and all my aches do call out. Even with the code someone needs to let him in.
Not ready to part with my blankets I trek downstairs once's again. Pleasantly surprised at the ease in mobility and a tab but giggly?
My emotions are going at neck break speed as I pace the area between the kitchen and living room. Pulling the blankets tighter as an anxious shutter rips through me at the thought of Auston Matthews being at my door at any second.
I check my phone and he really should be here soon if not already. I move forward to check though the peep hole. The sight before me erases the doubts and dread I was feeling in front of the washer.
Auston stands with his back to my door. His hands alternately between ruffling his hair and resting on his hips. He looks like he's amping himself up? For what?
Feeling more bold than I have been I open the door. Clearly starling him as his head whips around to catch sight of me standing in the door way, blankets wrapped tightly around my head and body. Just my face and feet really showing.
There's no words and a lengthy pause as we take each other in. Auston in a dress pants and a hoodie ? He looks sad and tired. I can't look much better but when he looks me over his eyes grown fond.
"Snug as a bug," are his only words and tiny smile.
"You wish you could be this snug," the smile sneaking onto my lips as well.
"I really do," in the same second I open my cocoon as he steps forward. The cold fabric of his hoodie snaking under the blanket and encircling my mid section. We pull each other closer as if trying to crawl into each other.
He carefully steps forward to guide us into the apartment where's it easier to fully embrace. The most secure I've felt in ages. My eyes water at the sensation and then over flow when of one his land hands grasp behind my beck and fully just holds me to him.
It's so easy to relax into his frame knowing that he'll support my weight. I tuck my face into his neck and inhale the scent of him I've memorized unknowingly.
It's easy..
My body stays in the moment enjoying the sensation of his firm body against mine. Dependably and steady.
My Brain however fixates on "easy"
It's so easy to love him.
My insides get hit at the realization and my breath quickens with panic. I pull back to separate myself from the panic but I'm caught in his gaze. His eyes are so deep and open. He's look into me with an intensity. I realize the position of his hand must mean he can feel my racing heart.
Oh god Oh god.
Peace. My brain just melts as Auston squeezes with just a bit of extra pressure at the points of contact. The hand on the back of neck caresses forward into my cheek before pushing both the blanket and my hair off my face.
"I mean it, Amelia. You have been the breath of fresh air I didn't know I've been needing. You have treated me with such kindness and I appreciate you. I'm sorry I couldn't express this." He stares into my eyes a mixture of intensity and vulnerability. A touch of sadness washes over his expression as a tear finally drops from my lashes and runs straight down my cheek to his hand that rests below. His thumb comes up to wipes its trail away. My lips quiver as the urge to fully sob shakes up my spine.
Auston pulls me closer and tucks his face into my neck. Breathing in my scent and squeezing for just a second. He starts to soothe a hand up my back and pulls back to kiss my forehead his lips are hot and linger before he fully pulls back.
"Let's get you somewhere cozy" He runs both of his hands up my arms and soothing them back down. I pout as he makes more room between us.
" but I am cozy," the words coming out bratty and without my control. He chuckles this deep sound that is like a purr to my ears. The resistance and heartache I was feeling before gets tucked at the back of my mind. I let myself be guided to the couch and Auston awkwardly positions himself a small distance from my designated spot in the corner of my couch.
This new spot has one small side effect - the early morning sun cuts in and illuminates my face and his. Both of our exhaustion becoming evident.
"Have you slept?" He reached forward and tilts my face to better examine the darkness under my eyes. I stare at his darkened features that reveal that he may not of either. "Have you?" I countered lightly with a small smile well being sure connect my eyes with his. He shakes his head but stares deeply. The hand that tilted my faced moves to enclosing what feels like the entire side of my face. The distance becomes smaller and less awkward.
Auston pauses inches from my face searching it for something. I slightly narrow my eyes trying to figure him out but catching his gaze drop to my lips and return to my eyes. Something strong wraps and roots itself around my heart as I realized that he's not just taking a closing look.
I blink at him for a second for bring myself closer so when I nod my head with approval our nose knock each other and he matches our lips together in feather light kiss. Almost more teasing than anything before I press mine lips to his with purpose.
His arms encase me as he maneuvers his way over me softy laying me back as to kiss me fully. My hands brace his face, feeling the roughness from the 'playoff beard'.
My brain clears and my heart beats.
He paused the soft motions of his lips against mine to slowly pull back and kiss my cheek. He carefully moves me easily to be on top of him as we both lay on the couch together. Being sure to pull me close. My head lies on his chest and I hear that his heart matches mine. Blushing I turn my head to kiss his cheek but end up kissing just below his jaw softly.
"Just one more" he whispers so delicious gruffly before kissing more deeply. His tongues brush's my bottom lip so subtle I almost missed it. A shiver runs through me as I hold him closer.
We pause with our lips together for a moment enjoying the closeness before separating. Wordlessly I tuck myself between him and couch half in his chest. My head his shoulder and right arm rubs my back and into my hair. His left arm wrapped around me holding me to him.
There is no panic for the first time in a long time as I drift off to sleep.
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