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Wonder where one could find a remote cabin? One with Internet of course, I don't think no Internet would be a good thing. And I'd probably need cats and a dog or something for company because I'm not sure I'm fit for being around humans.

(Sure, there are humans on the Internets but I can pretwnd they're squirrels.)

The week added up, and while yesterday and today wasn't bad, they were a bit boring. So I ended up doing the comic way earlier than usual. Still won't be published until Monday though.

The problem is that the brain after this overreacts. Because I'm sure on a rational level that it's an overreaction but that doesn't make the feeling go away.

When people go quiet, I can't help but being afraid I've said or done something stupid. Rational: no, people just do get busy. Irrational: they don't like you. And both of these happen at the same time and it's confusing and shit.

Stupid brain.(And my brain can be very very stupid. Sorry about that. It's not something I'm proud of at all, being like this.)

Apart from a bit on Monday evening, the week has not been good. And when this means that four out of seven days so far has been rather crap, the week has failed. You hear that week? Failed! So you'd better shape the fuck up.

It started yesterday when I couldn't sleep. So I did what I usually do when that happens: I drew a bit. The problem was that I had some junk on the glasses and when I noticed it was already too late. The head and eyes had said "fuck you" and opened up the door for a headache. So I lay there, unable to sleep and with headache and strained eyes — of course it was just a matter of time before the anxiety attacks hit. And they did.

The annoying bit is that I had felt pretty good for a while now and today, when I woke up after finally getting some sleep, the day has been shit. I've been in bed in intervals, just staring into the wall hugging a pillow. Had I despite all this not struggled to draw something I liked, today would have been a complete failure.

I had a plan today. or two plans really.

(A) Make tea, eat cookies, stop sneezing. (B) Make tea, eat cookies, not stop sneezing.

I tried really hard with A but to no surprise that failed miserably on the last bit so it went into the fail-safe that was plan B. Fucking plan B.

I blame the dentist visit, where they opted to fix a wisdom tooth instead of pulling it out because... issues. Easier too I guess since there were no real problems yet. But they gave me local anaesthesia and my jaw went numb. That must have been what a zombie with cheek-problems go through every day. They have my pity now.

I had this super cheesy dream;

we were laying and watching something on a laptop. Probably a tv show but it probably don't exist in real life. Anyway, you fell asleep and I went and got my lime green blanket to put over you. And then sometime later, I fell asleep and when I woke up — in the dream — I had the blanket on me as well and I could feel your nose against my neck.

I said it was cheesy. Fondue like even. The dream however — even if not true — made me wake up smiling. And that is a bit rare so that's why I'm sharing it here. We should share the happy things just as much as the bad even if it's harder to write about for some idiotic reason.

If I could afford a pet, I'd have another problem. Which one?! I mean of course I'd like a cat:

But I'd also want a labradoodle because look at it, the muppetness of it!

Or a ferret because they're cool.

Problem is that they all cost money to get and then to feed. Stupid money.

Bed boring and lonely. Want to feel human warmth. But nooo, that's impossible. Crap.

In bed, watching ceiling, It's unchanging. Weak smile. Wistful eyes I think. I should sleep. Can't.

Gpoyw. Random person (me) on a coach watching Spooks.

#Gpoyw

Have had two not so okay days. Yesterday, I started to feel a bit light-headed and then that evolved into headache and feeling very ill. I cried through parts of the night.

Today has been better but the eyes are somewhat slow and strained. The headache is gone, sort of, it's lurking somewhere. I can feel it more as an uneasy feeling so I can't point at it and say "AHA! Foul beast!"

Also I miss people, some outrageously much but what else is new.

Sometimes every metre of distance feels like a wall and othertimes every mile as it’s imaginary. And I'm being thorn between north, west, and south. South pulls hard though. Damn hard.

I had this dream yesterday. There's a point with it though so you could skip to the end. But I think the context says something as well, even if it's haphazard and patchwork narrated.

It was one of those where there were a computer that wanted to take over the world, the resistance made a counter-computer of course. Bad AI sent its hive-mind agents there, destroyed it and we — because of course I had to be resistance some how — managed to run away defeated.

There were a few run in corridors Scooby-Doo transitions and at the end of those there were a post office with lost mail. And there, the prototype motherboard to the counter AI was hidden, waiting, mailed to my father. Which is odd. He's not a person to send those things to. Anyways, this mythical lost-and-found meant that we could set it up again. And we did.

It hummed and sent out radio waves in a field — because clearly the best place for a super AI would be to assemble it in the middle of a field of nowhere. The hive-mind people started to react but break down, including some humanoid animal people. First time they showed up. Then a helicopter arrived, hive-men tried to get closer and they rained down posion rain on the area and all. Nothing to do with how it was going to end, it was a wait and see as this is our only chance of victory.

In this I lay down on the ground and hugged a person I like rather much. Even in a jumbled dream, with the end of the world vibes and all, that was the thing that seemed important. That closeness. Not securing the world, not any lofty goals of doing the right thing, from being at the centre of it all I took a step in my own dream to become a peripheral character that in terms of plot meant nothing. That hug meant more than the world.

There are days when all I want is to lie down, cuddle, and have the hope to feel better. They're not the best days but they're not the worst either. However, they are annoying since there's no one to steal human warmth from. Today is one of those days.

It's a silly thing really, and I know it shouldn't affect me but it does. When the phone drowned on Saturday, it killed parts of how I communicate with people. I feel cut off and locked out. When I was surrounded by good people, I didn't notice it but when I got home...

Today there was an anxiety attack that almost happened. Realised that it's almost silly how much easier it is to reach out with original content on Instagram — which I can't reach now — than tumblr. (I think I have about 10 people who actually reads my main tumblr, despite the following number of 985.)

I hope I'll have a new phone soon. Can't wait to reach out to people again and not feel so damn isolated.

You know that when you miss people but you can't really say it because you're stupid in the head and afraid and all other things? Yeah. That.

thetorontokid

chaosinthedark

Rule 1: Post the rules

Rule 2: Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post and then make 11 new ones

Rule 3: Tag 11 people and link them to your post

Rule 4: Let them know you’ve tagged them

harpe-et-nitroglycerine-deactiv

Now, now, Questions !

1.What’s the last book/comics you read, did you enjoy it ? Should I read it ? 2.What/where do you want to be when you grow up, kiddo ? 3.Where would you go on holidays if you could pack your bags and leave right now ? 4.Do you think we would have been friends in highschool ?

5.Roadtrip, with me, now, where to we go, and what’s the soundtrack ? 6.Do you cook ? What’s your specialty ? 7.What’s your favourite place in the whole world ? 8.What is Love? (don’t.sing.don’t.) 9.What is your favorite time of the year, and why? 10.Do you believe in something unusual? 11.Tell me a secret, please, please, pretty please.

nicklas-secret-hideout

Last comic I read was yesterday and it was the Lady Constantine mini-series from oh, years ago. I enjoyed it a lot.

On Mars, doing art and owning a marzipan farm — I don't like marzipan so I think I'd be the ideal farmer of it. Because in my head, I got this notion that when Mars is colonized it'll be a lot like Firefly. And I love that fucking show to pieces.

Southern France! Or Brooklyn, New York! Or Chicago or San Francisco perhaps. In that order.

Possibly. Not sure though, high school was problematic. Had few friends going in and even fewer when graduating.

The roadtrip would be a random dice-controlled trip around Ireland. Teh soundtrack would have consisted of the Mekons, Unbunny, Beth Orton, Loosegoats, Howling Bells, Kristofer Åström, the Joy Formidable, and PH Harvey. Oh, and the Flash Girls.

I cook. Chicken marinated in Guinness and made in the oven inside a clay pot with chanterelles and creme fraiche.

This will sound very cheese but with friends and loved ones. Seriously. Any place can be special with the right people.

Love is... mutual admiration for each other's flaws, respect and support. And a few things I can't put into words.

Early autumn because the contrast between the grey weather and the explosion of colours in nature. Oh, and knitwear starts to be worn.

No, I'm pretty boring that way. Creativity perhaps, that it needs to come out or it's wasted for ever.

Someone occupies my mind a bit more than I'd like to admit even to myself.

I don't tag, and there are probably only eleven readers of this anyway, but just in case someone wants to do this here's eleven questions.

1. Favourite cookies? 2. What art form do you do or would like to do? 3. Favourite book cover? No, not book. Book cover! 4. Have you seen Slings & Arrows? And if not, why you philistine! 5. What's the worst song by your favourite artist/band? 6. What is your opinion about socks? 7. Book shelves. They're important. Do you have them for books like a proper being and lots of them or what fo you have on them? 8. You're having a movie night with friends. Pick three movies and explain how they're linked. 9. Longest you've powernapped? 10. Best insult? 11. Would you please buy my art?

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