Silent Savages

[nobodysnobodys]

So we can think ourselves

[nobodysnobodys]

Remembering grandpa asking me over and over to play taps for him on the flute and he would go away just like I could when I hummed lamb chops play along. I’d play till I got dizzy for his love and attention. I’ll never miss someone as much as you is still true so far past twenty two.

[nobodysnobodys]

Thank you self. We got out of the mud and I’m fucking alive again. Wearing the pain as a cape. Now it’s time to find the power within.

[nobodysnobodys]

Thanks mom. I can’t even handle the therapy I need to be able to separate the memories of all of us from the memories of my childhood best friend I don’t even get to talk to him and he’s so sad just like me I assume he said it looking at him

[nobodysnobodys]

Fuck you Google that whisper inside me asking over and over when can I see mom is 8 year old me ?

[nobodysnobodys]

Thanks mom they told me I need a social worker bc my vase got glued back together so many times that I am dust

[nobodysnobodys]

Thanks mom I have to order special sandpaper to get the black cat body outlines of death out our hardwood floor. I hate it

[nobodysnobodys]

Thank you for singing thru the pain Grandpa because I still remember your voice but now only your singing voice and I don’t have much good memories in there

[nobodysnobodys]

Timelines all fucked for no reasons or seasons jus remember the note beggin someone take care of my mama bf my bones erode to the nonstop current of the sea

[nobodysnobodys]

Yesterday I came back after two year

[nobodysnobodys]

Everyone multiracial in the middle

#mulattointhemiddle 😂🤣😂

[nobodysnobodys]

When your watching music videos and that double check on who Juice World be got me

[nobodysnobodys]

Thanks mom I’m in the parking lot road of the department of financing I’m having a panic attack in the car because after everything else you did you had to fuck up the taxes on the house too why couldn’t you just tell me you needed help now I am left with PTSD and physical injuries from childhood and complete and utter overwhelming sense of panic but I’m gonna lose the house the only thing that is keeping me together is at the end of the day I have a home I don’t need people I’ve been alone since I was born but I need their memories in that house.  you could’ve at least warned me kind of out of character though so I get it instead after taking care of you after you never took care of me you still shitting on me from the grave. yesterday I spent the entire day trying to save the hardwood floors that you let the cats Bodies rot on. Do you know how much it sucks that underneath the carpet you can see their little bodies like a little cat police body outlines. Them poor animals never deserved anything that you did to them. the things that happened to them animals broke my heart and now it ran away.

[nobodysnobodys]

Ma i’m so sorry I just been keeping you in the plastic container the funeral home gave me I put you on a shelf in our living room and  still feel like a little kid waiting for you to come back to me

[nobodysnobodys]

I miss the waves you brought to me

perfect pitch and harmony

[nobodysnobodys]

Noooooo first funeral after my Ma. The urn is hush and my heart is hush with the hot hurt of your sad plastic container.

[nobodysnobodys]

Here’s the conundrum if I ever had a child I would never ever let him or her cry themselves better because I truly feel that be the turn where a heart go from hope to hole. 

My raising up has made me physically unable to escalate on children in any way. I was in full POF thotthot mode about two years ago and this one girl and I were Vibin she had her little daughter who was really fucking awesome and one day before we were going on a trip I heard her discipline her daughter in my kitchen and I was in my room in the back getting dressed.

If my heart was a gauge it would be a gauge of how a child scream because I know that scream and cry like an old show you would watch that u dont even like but heads up eat up because there’s some sort of food in front your face.

One of my drug fueled relationships lasted almost 10 years and I was close as an aunt but it had been well before my mental Pokémon snap. 

For somebody who be struggling with empathy That shit cut a path right in a part of me that I hide like a Mario ghost.  it’s been a year and I can’t remember peoples birthdays or last names but I could tell you the note on a sheet of music that she cried in.