Hey so I’m still not going to be active on here for the time being, I’m coming in bc I had someone skim my notifs for me to make sure the account was safe to check so I’m here to issue a quick apology
For the people that witnessed my mental breakdown on Saturday I’m extremely sorry, I won’t go into detail about the state of my mental health since I don’t want to traumadump but the gist of it is after a falling out with someone in the fandom at the end of January I have had basically non-stop issues w/ the punch out fandom since, which caused me to enter a months-long depressive period that I’m still in although I’m getting slightly better as long as I’m not being actively triggered.
I didn’t handle the situation with GlobOfChaos 100% appropriately and I am open about admitting that, especially after talking to multiple people who were informed on what went down between us. I shouldn’t have continued to post about them publicly and I definitely shouldn’t have been keeping tabs on them as a way of sh, and I shouldn’t have been celebrating their deactivation. These are not excuses for my behavior but my reasoning for each of these is as follows:
1) because I didn’t maintag any of the posts about them beyond the initial one, I didn’t think anyone would see them. I also tried not to name drop them specifically - I was venting my frustrations but I shouldn’t have done it on a public platform
2) I was mentally self harming, firstly, and secondly, I wanted to see who was still interacting with them. (See below)
3) I have OCD and for basically the entire month after our falling out I was having obsessive thoughts about it and fighting off compulsions. I have huge anxiety around being spied on in general and having to block someone in the fandom I’m active in doesn’t help with that, so I was constantly paranoid about someone who I considered my friend being a “double agent” and reporting back to Globbo about me and how I felt, trying to collect “evidence” on me, etc. this is obviously an irrational thought pattern but when I’m spiraling I cannot reason with myself and say it is. The reason I said “yippee” to them deactivating is not because I wanted them off the platform, but because it effectively dispelled that particular intrusive thought. Still doesn’t mean I was correct in doing so, though.
I’m still not talking to Globbo for the time being because I don’t think a friendship between the two of us could work but I wish them no harm and they don’t want harm to come to me either, as I was told via a mutual friend of both of us. Globbo can share their feelings on this if they want to and the reason they deactivated if they want to, that’s not my info or decision to share. But they didn’t deactivate because I was “bullying them off the platform” and have said as much.
As for the aftermath of the “callout”, I handled it inappropriately. I should not have posted images of my self harm nor should I have talked about the intrusive thoughts that I was having. My reasoning at the time was that I thought that was what people wanted to see from me and what they wanted me to do; I felt so incredibly guilty for extremely minor actions that I felt as if I deserved to be raped or killed for them, and I did and posted the self harm because i thought it would be a good compromise for the fact I couldn’t effectively cause the suffering I thought I deserved to face. In my mind at the time, I thought people like Globbo, Four, and some of the people who were interacting with me would feel happy to see those posts and I valued their happiness over the potential of triggering others.
Obviously this was not correct and I’m once again not trying to excuse my behavior because it was wrong. I just want people to know that I’m sorry that I did those things, and that my intention was not to hurt people. I was not in the correct state of mind and I figured that people wanted me to hurt myself because of what I mentioned above. With the exception of one person, everyone I’ve spoken to has explicitly told me they didn’t want me to hurt myself, including Globbo.
Regardless, I’m sorry and I’m going to continue staying off Tumblr for the time being until I’m more mentally stable and have like any amount of self worth at all