Some guy

What will become of us?

[non-present-inactive]

The internet is free, and so am I.

[non-present-inactive]

Ugh, I fall in love 1000 times a day. Public transportation is the main blame. But god it feels so nice to lock eyes with a stranger and feel that ping in your heart. Like roses and cherry blossoms surrounding you. Little glances, shy smiles, crossings. Oh gosh how terrifying and exciting. Anyways I can't stop thinking about this person who kept trying to meet my eyes. They had a nice smile. What a nice small interaction. Oh well time to let go again.

[non-present-inactive]

I guess, I'll starting using this page a sort of journal for random things. First item on the list, I'M IN LOVE WITH THE IDEA OF ROMANTIC LOVE. It's kill me inside little by little god doni want to swoop in and just fall in love with me and I the same. I have this rose colored (more like rose blinding glasses) about love! I blame the thousands of romance manga and anime , I consumed when I was young. God my heart flushes and burst at the seams with pink hearts and fluttering wings of dopamine, each time I think about it. I wouldn't say, I'm in love with anyone (I'm not sure what being inlove means or how it feels) but today satisfy my endless hunger for romantic love, I consume with greed more genre of romance. Which warps my already mess up perceptions of love. God I'm so in love right now. But i isolate myself even more during this time due to my all in attitude at the moment. I feel I'll give my sweetheart to anyone who comes by and I don't deserve that. I deserve a wonderful, loving relationship, one where I am seen and respected. Anyways that's it for now , It's so hot today.

[non-present-inactive]

And for my final act? I let you go and forget.

[non-present-inactive]

You know.... my heart still waits for them, my eyes still in a frenzy look for them, but my mind knows it's not wise to focus all my attention on them. They weren't for me for good reason. I have to invest in myself before anything else. I'm still in that phase in which if they come back, I just might step in. But my mind knows even if my hearts wants for it to continue, that above all else, I need to choose mysel. that can't be a negotiable factor. It's me before anything else. Even if it's what I want, it's not what I need. Something greater is out there for me. Something I may have a hard time imagining now.

[non-present-inactive]

I remember when I about 14 I went to a fancy restaurant in LA. I remember the food and the view the most but I also remembered in a sea of couples, family and friends, there was a blonde woman who sat alone. Enjoying a glass of expensive wine I didnt know the name of and a steak that I wish I ordered instead of the tiny burgers that i got( even though they were cute and presented very well). She caught my attention and has impacted me to this day. I remember that day in my head declaring. When I'm extremely rich and extremely well versed, im going to be exactly like her. Contempt and fully enjoyed my company. Granted i said that because i tend ro self sabotage and push others away. But the rich part i meant for sure

[non-present-inactive]

I fall in love 300 times a day. That's my ego and my pride. It paralyzes me

[non-present-inactive]

In dedication of having a crush again. I reminisce in my past crush. Pretty eyes, Tall, cute, kind of skinny, understandable we were younger. And I compare them with my current crush broader, timid, and secret glances. I remember the songs I would listen to: classical, romantic, fairy tales, and now it's more rock, pop, electrónica. Oh how different both feel. My past crush felt like swans, flowers, and feeling blushed pink. However this current one feels.... unsure, excited, and blushed red, more intense. I still feel like a young romantic with those fluttering butterflies but they feel more mature now. I think of my past crush fondly like an old friend and i think of this new crush as something new, brief eye contact, yearning, almost touching but being a few touches too late to connect. I'm nervous all over again. I can't hide it and feel embarrassed, red hot, cheeks flushed, heart beating out of my chest at rapid speeds. I'm done writing for the night.

[non-present-inactive]

Today I feel different, it's a sunny day , I am alone and it a peaceful stillness that fills the air. On these days I usually lose my mind but the breeze is nice the sunlight shines through my curtains and the room I usually associate with a painful stagnant air, feels light and soothing. I feel a bit heavy and with the urge to get up take a subway and explore me city. It's Friday today there's plenty of events to go to. I have to work out which is keeping me here in this room, I want to get over the laziness and just move my body. Things have changed alot and at the same not at all, since writing my last entry. I have fears, I still have some insecurities, but today I have some energy to combat them. I have decided to document a some what positive moment so when the times get tough. My mind understands that just as the ocean gets cold, still and deep as an abyss, the ocean can also sparkle, be clear and feel soothing on my skin. Today is bright and maybe I'll go out to enjoy it for a while. Thanks again talk soon (hopefully when there's another day like this one)

[non-present-inactive]

I can't stop thinking about that night. It still doesn't feel real, and if it weren't for the bruises on my body , I would think it's a bad dream.

[non-present-inactive]

I guess my sadness is extra loud today. My loneliness is deeper than the depths of the ocean. I'm there again in the water, sinking further into my abyss as I think how limited our time is here, life is short, life is long. To be honest, time had always been a sore in my heart. Today, I'm dealing with a sadness older than me. It comes out at random, there's never any signs, and today I was sleep and forget my existence, I can't of course that would be too easy, I feel somber, lost and alone, quite alone. I feel terrible honestly, and writing this entry in silence has not been able to console my weeping heart. Maybe it's the lack of sleep or the fact that I didn't exercise in the morning. But this sad performance I've forced myself to act upon no longer allows me to ignore the truth to escape from it. I stand before a mirror that reflects my fears, my flaws, and my frustrations. I'm tired today and don't have the energy to put myself out there and put myself first.

[non-present-inactive]

I lie in between flowers today. It's a meadow that no one is near me, and nature covers a vast majority of the area. The sun is hitting pretty hot on my face. I didn't bring sunglasses, and I tried to shield my face with my hand. I get tired quickly and just let the sun hit my face. I don't have much to say today. I'm just bored. However in my boredom I reflect on the decision I've made today and yesterday and try to determine if the right choices have been made, quiet frankly I don't feel like doing anything and just want to hike my mountain in peace. I feel 15 again, and it's been quiet the experience( its hell, I want to rip my hair out) as my teenage self takes over my current state I grapple with my own morals and philosophy. I feel a child like boredom of just abandoning ship and changing my name. Live as someone else and continue to do that each time I feel bored of my chosen identity. Another part of me just wants to be reborn all together. I messed up this life we gave to go bald type of desire. I'm all over the place as I was when I was young, and it's difficult to get a routine going. Do it tired, do it scared, do it depressed echos in my as I look at my mundane task at hand. Isolated in a room, lights turned off, and no one in site. I thought this was what I wanted? Peace and quiet, a room to myself and to be given task to complete. But now it seems I want more, to socialize l, collaborate, and interact on a human level with others. To think critically and challenge my own ideas, to face my fears and discomforts. It's all very motivating, but it's annoying and time-consuming. Extremely time-consuming. It's hard, and I feel like clawing my skin off due to how uncomfortable I feel. My thoughts have left, I'll take my leave for today.

[non-present-inactive]

A lot of things have happened so fast this week, beginnings, endings, and a lot of revelations of cracks I didn't pay too much attention towards. Someone is leaving, and others will follow suit, and I wonder what is more important? professional growth? a connection? a community? The series of events that unfolded this week have led me to rethink my goals, my impact, and my mortality. Different perspectives from others and quick hushed exchange of words. I am no longer a hidden shadow, but alas, I'm not entirely in the spotlight either. Things are changing whether I'm ready for them or not, and it feels these upcoming weeks will rewrite all of I've been accustomed until now. My train of thought has left me, but today, I feel like I'm in the swiss alps wandering as nature reminds me, I'm a passenger in this life, and I should enjoy it more.

[non-present-inactive]

I fell in love, and my heart shriveled up in disappointment. Mmh, maybe next time.

[non-present-inactive]

Suddenly, people are paying attention and remembering. What a weird and new feeling that is.

[non-present-inactive]

Suddenly, I sit, looking at the roll of where there should be some metallic paper. Dread fills me, I have to go to the grocery store, I feel sick. I have to be seen shit and I can't even go to a damn grocery store without feeling like I might throw up. The anxiety fills me further. If I can't even go to the grocery store, how can I even begin to think I will be able to build a life, my dreams? God, I feel sick, my hands clenching to my stomach. Is this what it means to be a functioning person? When did I become so pitiful? I'm going out. Fuck this fear. I say as my whole body tenses up. I guess my body doesn't know the difference of going outside and doing the most basic thing and being held at gun point. I want to tell you, God, I hate this, and im pitiful, but I'm going out anyway, I'm going to do something different from what I usually do when I write these entries. Get up and do something.

[non-present-inactive]

Today, I decided to be impulsive. To be totally honest, it feels like shit. I'm anxious about what will happen tomorrow. I'm regretful as I just went through a big fight with someone I love. I'm remorseful, but I don't apologize because of my ego getting the best of me. Today I decided to blow off work and explore my city. It was fun at first. My heart was full and body shaking with excitement. As I passed land marks and stadiums. I've only heard or seen on TV. It's funny that I've lived in this city my whole life, and I've never explored it. I was initially trying to go to a hotel every raves about, but the parking was atrocious. As I reflect on my decisions today. I am regretful, scared, and angry. I am hurt. my heart bleeds as I explore this unfamiliar city. It's wonderful. I haven't been outside somewhere at 10 am. in a long time. I've been helped by kind people on directions and near by assistance. It's sweet, and im relieved this city is a bit merciful. I love my time here, but my heart feels a weight I can't shake off. I'm miss my loved one and just want to tell them I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry.