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[noooo-name-blog]

Life, recently, has seemed… hopeful. Things have felt good. I am rekindling old friendships. I try making the most of my time. I want to believe that things might start heading in a favorable direction. I still should be watchful of where things go, but what I have learned, what I have heard, what I have been given, I take all with gratitude and carefulness. We have brought pieces of ourselves to each other to share and perhaps more importantly to begin a sense of trust and acceptance and beginning. I don’t want to forget any of this or of us. It seems time has only scratched against the surface of memories. My name is still intact and I hope the tides of life might not separate our names from our memory. Keeping a name is not without cost. It is a special and genuine and reassuring and relieving thing to know my name is still kept with you. 

My hope is that… to progress forward in our lives, it won’t cost the memories of our names.

[noooo-name-blog]

I don't know why I'm sacrificing so much to receive mediocrity. My life has been short of a lot. I am short of so much. I don't know if I have fulfilled much for myself. I have fallen short for so much. I'm a bit envious. I don't know what it's like for someone to love you wholly. But I see it and I had to be shown in a subtle, painful way! It seems nice to be taken care of with genuine concern and compassion. I don't know if it was a matter of me not wanting to see it or me just being jealous. Why am I so confused! I was still given a really nice gift! Hm. I think I'm blinded by the idea. And it stings I guess when I have to be reminded of these things. But I'm always so caught up in ideas! My mind just likes to be enveloped with ideas and illusion. I only need some genuine care and concern for my well-being. One way or another, I guess I like the company but that character and that love given to someone else hurt. And I have absolutely no right or reason to feel hurt! Why do I have to feel this way! I'm just envious I'm sure. When you have things collapsing against you and you see a light through the toppling pile, you might only focus on that light rather than your steps. You are drawn by the light but the light won't necessarily help you through. It's just there, not for you. You see it and if you're not careful you might slip deeper into the debris that continues to cover you up. Maybe that's why I feel so insistent on getting the light. Still don't know what I'm waiting for. I would like to think one of that would be success but I'm not even sure to find its path. It feels like that path constantly changes! Returned home safe, I'm glad. What the universe decided, I can't undo. Wherever your heart is placed; you have decided, I can't undo. It's cool and unimaginable thinking about the thought of exchanging such feelings. I hope when my heart is aligned and not simply placed, I inherit the pure emotions and genuine care and sincere concern of all those people who I wanted to love.

[noooo-name-blog]

Ahhhh I am a bit disappointed. I mean truthfully I have no reason to be so. Or to feel down because someone else’s decisions. I should feel glad! I am their friend right, so I should be happy about their happiness. And I am just in the wrong circumstance to be so. But that’s always discouraging; to be on the short end of circumstance. I shouldn’t feel disappointed. I mean I too have fallen short of many things as well. Yet here I am, low in spirits whenever I experience unreciprocated anything really. I guess I’m selfish about wanting some sort of something in return when I do something for someone. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t do things with solely the thought of something in return. I mean is friendship or kindness or gratitude or warmth too shallow for one to ask? I have so much love, pure love to all my friends. I have a real desire to cherish the time with these people whom accepts me whole. Perhaps I am investing myself too much in people who show only a fraction of what I want to give. Or maybe I am lying to myself about the idea that there are actually people who see and accept me whole. But then again if I believed that, how might life work from there? I’m waiting. For circumstance, acceptance, growth, gratitude. I wear down just waiting and thinking about that. But I have to wait and I have to continue feeling disappointed. I have to keep cutting myself open and putting myself through many perhaps unnecessary decisions, in the hopes that I might find healing. And I don’t know what form this would be in. For now I’ll water down my pains since that’s all I can do by myself.

[noooo-name-blog]

I am really surprised and amazed and at awe at people...... just liking each other. Not necessarily in an intimate way, I am more perhaps envious at how strong simple friendships can be. I have seen myself the powerful connection between friends who can’t even fully communicate with each other treat each other like childhood friends! And it seems like minimal effort was needed to proceed so! It seems like such a beautiful thing! To have your presence allow someone to feel truly glad and excited to be with. To experience this wide range of pure, good feelings that shatter the language barrier! That sort of experience is such a deep and meaningful thing. I had once read someone post on social media say something along the lines of: “thank you for not letting the language barrier get in the way of a good time.” That sounds like such a beautiful and amazing thing to proclaim. To have a meaningful friendship that transcends such fundamental barriers like the language barrier is truly a precious and wonderful thing! How could I ever take that for granted if I had the opportunity! I am so jealous, I am so envious. In just days I have seen this. Is it that easy to bond? I am envious of that genuine feeling of acceptance. But even more so than just being accepted: cherished. I admit, I am being a little too sensitive about things. It would be nice however to be fully taken as you are, taken whole. I don’t know. I question that about myself sometimes. Should I change myself a little? I mean in these past couple months and maybe whole year I’ve learned to accept myself for all of my mistakes and all of what I have been. I don’t dislike who I am not at all. But I’m discouraged that I haven’t been fully taken and fully empathized with. It’s odd when I talk about it. I feel as though even as I have grown to accept myself, the feeling of acceptance still does not feel right even if it comes from me. 

I’ll continue wandering through life. This and many other questions in my head. But it’s disappointing to know that even with the many experiences and opportunities that I am privileged to receive, my life is progressing at a slow and unsure pace.

[noooo-name-blog]

It’s been a while since I’ve written on here. I guess that’s good because that could mean you don’t have anything really that needs to be addressed or that is aching your mind. For now I just have one thing. It’s about this idea that I has lingered in my head for awhile! It likes to wander my mind and when it decides to take hold of it all I do is pause and think about it because it, just wants to I guess. 

I am still really stuck on the idea that there are people we love or want to love. People who just fill your life and make it meaningful. And it’s sad to know that sometimes we know these people too late. Or we grow from these people when we already begin to break down. I imagine how wonderful and meaningful these friendships could have been. How needed they were in a crucial time of discovery! Childhood couldn’t have been more of a fragile time. Yet here I am, shattered and lost. I have only a piece of friendship and I’ve never wanted lose it as much as it is now. But I’ll lose it, because of circumstance, because of time, because of who I am. So many barriers and all I want is your friendship. The absolutely worst circumstance set before me and yet I was fortunate to meet, but also very unfortunate. So what was the point of meeting, if I never get to nurture anything? I was given a rose and no running water! All I get to do is watch its beauty die! And that’s where I wish we met as children!

[noooo-name-blog]

Ahhh I feel so under the weather. I would like to cry it out and I think I have a lot to get out of me. But I can't cry. Or I've conditioned so much to hold it in, that my whole being is just strained at all of the bad feelings forced in. I'm in pain. My prospects of the future is crumbling by the second and I just want to cry. I can't and it feels awful. I haven't dreamt in awhile. I hope I can dream someplace else for now. I feel so stuck.

[noooo-name-blog]

This week has been absolutely dreadful. Finished through my last midterms. In that time I lost a day's worth of sleep and arguably a week's worth of sanity. Did very poorly on a certain class's midterm that isn't required for me, only to be forced to drop it. Someone who I was supposed to spend today with decided to cancel. I'm really upset because I was really looking forward to spending a nice and relieving day after this week. Prepared myself and my mind only for a lot of things this week to collapse on itself. I'm in bed now, letting my schoolwork pile up. I feel so out of place in my university. It's supposed to be a school of very accomplished people and honestly I am inspired by a lot of the people that go here. I'm jealous because it's such a privilege to get a college education and sometimes even more when you can reap success. I lose sleep just trying to level it for myself and reach success but I haven't seen myself accomplish much since coming here. I feel I have been in some prolonged limbo since the end of high school. And maybe more specifically when I came back to California after the summer. So many things happened the first months of 2015 that I can't even say if it was either good or bad because they happened on such terrifying extremes. I met some wonderful people, enjoyed good company, and truthfully saw myself grow a bit. And I also have been faced by some miserable experiences and had my soul go through some excruciating pains. And when it all averages out, that year seemed average. I'm being revisited by the past and it's really stressing me out. In childhood, I had so many questions that I wanted answered. And being who I am I could never accept the answers I received. I couldn't accept that life was just as it is and that I ought to accept complacency and conformity. That kind of thinking probably damaged me a lot since it's not like I could've created a more suitable environment for me to grow in. I was still a kid. Now I look back at how that environment impacted me in such a traumatizing way. How the people who I thought were there for me only wanted to see me a certain way. I feel as though since I couldn't truly be as a child, my true self was stolen and stripped from myself. I couldn't be. I wonder where my true self currently is. It continues to haunt me today and even when I try to come to terms with it, I always lose a bit of myself just peering within it. Now it's a bit lonely since I decided to start anew. I wanted to make meaningful friendships and keep the past at bay. Yet I haven't done that. I haven't been able to see myself grow with and within others. I thought beginning would be good. Now it feels I just want the end. And here I am, struggling to better myself, challenge myself. I thought this academic quarter would be one where I could see myself achieve some success. I decided to put off activities that would have helped me create a nice resume and build me a little better. But things just aren't turning out so nicely in any respect. There's undoubtedly a lot that needs to be faced. There's a lot to be worked on. A lot of things that I didn't even expect. For now I wish that in the hopefully near future I could reread this on a day where life might be heading in a more optimistic direction. And maybe laugh a little at how different life by then might be.

[noooo-name-blog]

There’s a lot to discover in my life. I didn’t do much other than do some studying today. I guess in all that time since I woke up I had a little vision of what I want my future to look like, I want to be more creative, more innovative. I want to create things and see pride in what I can give. There’s just so much of my life to discover and I’m so anxious of all the obstacles it will take to see myself in a place where I’m content to be. I want eventually to both create and create myself. I think that is what I will work on this year. I want this year to see some sort of discovery and some sort of creation. I hope this will be enough to wake me up in the morning.

[noooo-name-blog]

Ahhhhhh. My heart is jittery. I am listening to the FADER mix of Qrion tracks. It begins a little sad in tone and it just got me thinking of that one idea that continues to haunt me.

So let’s say I was raised somewhere else. Let’s say that where I grew up was there. Say if all the people I want to permeate my life, all the people I want to impact me in a profound way, the people that would make me a different person, people who would give my life a more clearer picture of my life’s meaning. What if I was given the wonderful chance of meeting meaningful people who would better my life, fill my heart, embolden my character, at the time of childhood? It’s so astounding and frightening at how drastic life can be, would be, ought to be if the people you want to love and give so much to were there at such a crucial time as adolescence. 

Life is not as... as how we would like it to be obviously. Life can be so unpredictable. But there’s something I’m so grateful for. And if I could say this, it would be: “I’m glad we somehow met.” 

Everyday since has become so rosy and I am blinded at the sight of reality. I need one day for this to be actually read.

[noooo-name-blog]

I feel tons of sad so suddenly currently. Something dampened my spirit so I put it to the side so it wouldn’t interfere with the rest of the night. Then another thing and now I feel really bitter. I feel overwhelmed with people and my own emotions.

I’m sad at the fact that not everything is reciprocal and mutual. But earlier my friend reminded me that life wouldn’t be as meaningful if everything turned out your way. I think ought to come to terms with that.

There are so many people I am obligated to be with. I just need my two friends I love the most. I think I love them a ton is because they represent two distinct parts of me. It’s easy to make friends that are like you and my friendship with them couldn’t have been more natural.

I’ve been daydreaming some fantasy with my crush again. It’s so rosy and unbelievable.

Circumstance sucks. I need to remind myself that life…. Life is meaningful when sometimes it doesn’t work out. I’m still working on myself.

[noooo-name-blog]

Just need another soul, I have been lacking on some different level. I have the friends to support me but frankly friends can only provide to a certain level I feel. I am lacking in that sort of fulfilling support that need only a single person to provide. Intimacy! I sound so childish but I’m lacking in some form of unwavering desire. I have so many thoughts and feelings I want to let out. I say it so much (I’m sorry) but I want to love so much and be loved so much. I want my tender emotions shared with someone who loves them. A smile, hug, or touch that overwhelms me with the message: “I can’t express how much I am glad to be yours and you to be mine.” Love seems like such a wondrous idea, I wonder if I can even handle any of it.

[noooo-name-blog]

Ahhhhh here I am again. I'm back at school and it's only been the first week. For now I'm laying in bed. My window has a view of Los Angeles, but the buildings down the street eat away at the view. Won't be able to watch the Revenant this weekend since it'll be very inconvenient for anyone and me. I'm bummed. Aren't there any opportunities to hang out with my crush? None I bet, I ruined them all lol. She lives right above me yet she feels so far. A crush is unhealthy, especially if one seemingly is all that you dream for. I guess she isn't everything I wish but that just makes her more admiring. I just want to spend a day with her. She's so unreachable though. Maybe I just suck at making friends. A have a heavy course load this quarter and I feel so unmotivated to work hard. I need to get out of this state soon before I start fucking up like last quarter. Adulthood isn't as you think maybe. I'm tied down by the past, by my old bad habits, and by childish emotions. Would be nice if life continued fresh after 18, but I guess life isn't so clear anyways. It's burdensome and frustrating to have to be held down by my shitty self. All I want in life at this rate is someone to love and be loved by, a neat and small living space, and a dog. But right now I'd just like some alcohol and a nap.

[noooo-name-blog]

My heart physically hurts right now! Either from drinking two whole cups of coffee in one sitting or from the anxiety of texting my crush after a long time of not or both! Probably both but goodness I feel like a little kid. My heart is being compressed into nothingness and the pressure feels infinite. I want to confess already!!!! Okay I’m going to shower and wash off this feeling of nervousness.

[noooo-name-blog]

This sounds really cheesy but I'm envious of people who have people whom they can unhesitatingly dedicate a post to. You know, something really meaningful and nicely refined? For example, someone said not letting something prevent us from enjoying each other. Or giving public appreciation of someone for providing them an opportunity of growth. It just sounds so nice! Nothing cliché, but a genuine appreciation! To even have someone to deeply appreciate or be appreciated by. That must be one of the few beautiful things that make life a little more tolerable.

[noooo-name-blog]

Who is the fucking architect of our childhoods? Imagine how damaging people become because some irresponsible, inconsiderate, and reckless adults don’t understand the power and influence they have a child’s life. I’m such a weak person. Why did I have to become this way? So many places where I really shouldn’t be. The universe could collapse on itself now. In all this time, I still can’t seem to accomplish much if it did. Someone just show me otherwise already.

[noooo-name-blog]

I guess a terrible thing to know is in adolescence everything seems magnified, especially things insignificant. Making big deals about things, being too happy, sad, all of these unnecessary emotions in explosive fashions! Then you reach adulthood and all your feelings are dismissed, disregarded, and invalidated. If you aren’t good at life you can’t find the end to adolescence. Maybe you end up reckless and act irrational. Adulthood seems like such a heavy burden. For me I maybe should've took it easy on myself. Now here I am overwhelmed with emotion. I probably look like a fool to everyone.

[noooo-name-blog]

Today was bound to be bad. Spent $50 to get absolutely nothing accomplished. Hmm. Who I am to complain anyways. I’m not so disappointed about the money but more about the sense of neglect and obligation. All these insignificant qualms aren’t worth talking too much about probably. At least what I can learn from this experience is to not have kids. And maybe if I do, I’ll give a shit.