"Tell me about your dream man," he asks, with a wide smile plastered on his face.
Someone who loves me unconditionally, I want to say. Someone who'll stand by me no matter what. Someone who'll fight for me and be proud to be standing next to me. Someone who'll shower me with love in all of its forms.
But that's not what I say. Instead, I recall my mother's words, which are also her mother's words, which were also her mother's words, which too were her mother's words.
"Social compatibility is crucial. So is cultural compatibility. Beware of forgetting religious compatibility. That one is vital and the pillar of any strong marriage. Education. Education is important. A provider. A man. Can adapt. Is versatile. He's not only marrying you, after all. He's also marrying your family. Remember to ask yourself: Do you see this man being a father to your kids? Is he generous? Is he a mama's boy? Is he controlling? Does he get jealous too often? How does he feel about you working? Does he like the way you dress? Can he afford your lifestyle?"
These considerations run into my brain before I decide to answer the beautiful young man seated across from me, who could barely believe that we're sharing a dinner and conversation together. His eyes glimmer with hope as he waits for an answer that'll appeal to his ears. I want to tell him all about the hard times I had accepting myself and all the times I felt rejected, unwanted, and unworthy of affection or attention of any sort. I want to tell him all about the emotional availability I was robbed of from any potential suitors. I want to unveil every inch of my being to this lovely man, but I sit back, reserved, as I hear my mother's words replaying in the back of my head.
This man was my dream man, emotionally speaking, but not the man society would deem appropriate for me. I struggle internally as I try to navigate my emotional expectations with my social standards. A typical heart/brain dilemma.
I often would like to ask my mother, "What about my heart? What about his?" But I concede. After all, my mother's been married for over 25 years. She's survived hardship with my father and still calls him the greatest blessing she's ever had. She clearly knows better. Her ancestral teachings are quite reasonable. Not to mention she also wants the best for me.
"Given all of that... what are the chances I'd be in love with that person? Does he even exist? With all these prerequisites... do you actually still somehow believe that this miraculous man is going to show up at my doorstep and provide me what I want in a marriage and meet my emotional needs?"
"Not only do I know, I'm also certain of it."
"My dream man is educated, comes from a good family, knows his God, understands my culture..."
As the list grew longer, his smile faded into a frown. The glimmer in his eyes began to disappear, and my heart went numb.
I will probably think about the man across the table for the rest of my life. I will probably always wonder if I spared myself or punished myself.
Until then, I will trust in God's plan and make a promise to myself that every man is to treat me like the man across the table.
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