the manic days are(n't) over

Just someone who needs an outlet

[notdonebeingmessy]

(Maybe this should've been the first post from this blog, but also maybe my mom should've eaten me like Chronos.)

Been feeling super wholesome lately. That's not sarcasm. Or it can be, if you prefer this to be a choose-your-own-adventure.

Anyway, the purpose of this blog is to serve as what I served for my mom: As an outlet for various emotions that are unacceptable to even have in polite society.

I'm not like this all the time.

But this is the space where I give myself permission to feel.

It probably would have been a good idea to make it a point to write that when I had my last blog. But then again, I think I cared less what people thought then.

[notdonebeingmessy]

Pygmalion II

God made his best creation blameless and perfect. Who else could be appointed to sit at the right hand of the Father counting everything you aren't? His mouth is between glasses long enough to put you right-- You should be grateful for this opportunity.

[notdonebeingmessy]

Pygmalion

Why find quieter, find less joyful, find more apathy, find a sluttier virgin or more chaste whore? Why find prettier and sexier and even more selfless but just as smart, or maybe less smart? Anything that isn't what is. When the still image is comprised of whatever she's not and whatever she's not is better than whatever is, you can always sculpt and shape and chip to your heart's desire, dear Pygmalion.

[notdonebeingmessy]

Find less, find quieter, find less joyful, find more apathy, find a sluttier virgin or more chaste whore. Find prettier and sexier and even more selfless but just as smart. Or maybe less smart. Anything that isn't what is. Because the still image is comprised of whatever she's not and whatever she's not is better than whatever is. Her model wasn't ordered from a catalog but it should have been. But you should be taken as is. Anything otherwise is blasphemy. No, God made His best creation blameless and perfect. Who else could be appointed to sit at the right hand of the Father counting everything you aren't?

[notdonebeingmessy]

"I'm so sorry. You deserve better. 😞"

"Then do better."

"lol no"

[notdonebeingmessy]

[notdonebeingmessy]

I'm wondering now, was that the first time you made someone cum?

[notdonebeingmessy]

I love you. I miss you. I pray for you all the time.

I want you to love yourself. I want you to care about yourself.

Stop drinking.

[notdonebeingmessy]

I miss you so much. That's why I'm writing in my lonely little anon blog instead of talking to you.

Why can't you just treat me like how you know I deserve to be treated? I love you so much. I just want you to be well and treat me well. I don't want anyone else.

[notdonebeingmessy]

S3 acabó. M3rezc0 alg0 verd@d3ro, alg0 r3al.

S0y algu13n q am0 c_n t_d0 m1 c07az0n. Se q P-pa D10s tiene algu13n p@ra m1 ant3$ q d@r vis1t@ ah1 d0nd3 qu3d@n l0$ ang3le$.

C1@o, am07 m1o. Y0 t3 qu137o c0n t0do M1 s3r p370 n0 m3 amas y e$0 e$ q me du31e t@nt0.

[notdonebeingmessy]

You must love the sheen of the tears on my face.

Maybe it makes me the most beautiful you've ever seen me. Powdered blush cannot do what sadness does.

One day my broken heart will become callused. I'll stop wishing you loved me as much as you love twisting and twisting the double-edged sword you use to punish us both with.

I just want to love and be loved.

[notdonebeingmessy]

I deserve all the effort I give to other people. Post 2023 me is a different beast but 2026 me will be even stronger and will not waste time on people who wouldn't do anything I wouldn't do for them.

I used to give freely from the heart. I used to give for the sake of giving without any thought for myself because that's who I wanted to be. But being that type of person in this world is unsustainable. I'm tired and embittered at this point. It doesn't matter how much you put in for people that don't see your worth-- If it isn't in their character there's nothing anyone can do.

I'm not naive. I've always known the world is unjust. I just wish that the people I value decided to value me in return.

I loved you with all my heart. You were my emphatic "Absolutely" but I remain your "I don't know... Sometimes... Maybe." I don't know what more I could do.

[notdonebeingmessy]

My lovely, enigmatic alien hybrid. Has there ever been anyone like you before?

Maybe. But not in my private world.

I wonder what you're thinking at any given moment. My thoughts don't have time to gestate. They arrive stillborn. Courtesy of the vice that tightens around my right calf between opioid dosages.

This shit is not fun. There is only the pain now.

[notdonebeingmessy]

I miss romance. I miss feeling like I matter to someone.

[notdonebeingmessy]

I wish The Oblongs had been given more seasons. That show is immaculate

[notdonebeingmessy]

Guys will stress you the fuck out and then have the nerve to be like "You're no fun anymore". Yeah, no shit. I don't like not being able to have fun either. But with your fucking alcoholism it's like having to be a grown man's babysitter. How can I relax and have fun when you're determined to be a drunk asshole who drives drunk and shit?

[notdonebeingmessy]

It's a better tale in person but I will do my best to set the scene.

Imagine a wholly ostentatious home with marble flooring and a pool with a waterfall feature. The backyard is expansive and is punctuated with privacy hedges. There are fruit trees, which my father had painstakingly raised up and, in some instances, had gone through great lengths to acquire.

This is the setting wherein a great epic would take place the likes of which could be compared to a Greek tragedy.

My hubris was my downfall. That I could dare to feel at ease within a domicile such as this for even a moment. Such a preposterous notion worthy of ridicule ten times over.

So, I was in this dwelling that was more like a modern art style cathedral. And my brother J---- (who is 7 years younger than me) tells me there's something interesting in the backyard. So, I head out through the poolside door and J---- closes the door behind me. My dad starts running at me with his outstretched hand dangling a possum by the tail. He chases me around the entire perimeter of the pool a few times while I yell at him that he's crazy and he going to get a disease. He even starts swinging it above his head like it was a fucking flail. He was laughing wildly, by the way. I can't remember how I got back in the house but I was thoroughly annoyed to learn that Pa had done this to each of my 2 brothers before recruiting them to do it to me. 🤦🏽‍♀️