nope, i haven’t made it here to admit defeat. i’m n o t allowing anyone to speak on my behalf or alter my narrative, to their convenience— never again watch this space as i unravel & fiiiiinally express all of which i’d experienced, with my words. watch me struggle to keep my head above water, on the difficult days. i’m here now & i’m not about to leave without fulfilling my agenda.
It's not the romanticized version we're fed with constantly but something more brutal and honest. It's standing in front of someone with all your wounds exposed, knowing they see every scar, every broken piece, and still, they stay. Being in love doesn't come without pain. It's earned in the moments when you want to walk away when the weight of it all feels too heavy, but you choose to stay. It knows that love isn't about finding someone who makes you whole but about finding someone who sees you as you are and holds space for you to heal, grow and become more than you ever thought you could be. Love is messy and uncomfortable. It's where you find out what you're really made of and who you're really willing to fight for. It is not about experiencing only the “good times” and running away when/if things get rough— when you love a person you’re supposed to give a sh*t about H O W your actions, speech and hasty decisions may make them feel. If they’re in agreement of your choices, whether they’re offended, check if you’ve made them feel completely irrelevant in the equation. If you aren’t ready to care, you aren’t ready to love (neither are you deserving to love or be loved, imo).
A kind of sacrifice that is selfless— and an experience that should be approached with caution. It's about showing up daily, saying; "This is who I choose. Again and again and forever... you."
“Stop posting online posts in social media that ure being the victim. All those posts are not going to do good to yourself and people around. Stop hanging dirty laundry in public.”
•••
words from a narcissist, in verbatim—true & through.
hey sweetie, i heard i hope you’re still reading this.
1. i’ve never mentioned who you were exactly, never mentioned your name. so why you trippin?
2. from the get go, i’ve told you that a r/ship takes two— clearly i’m speaking like i’m a victim, bec i am. who ever said you weren’t a victim too? it takes two, babes.
3. enough of your gaslighting. i’m over it. i’m so mad at myself bec i allowed you to change the narrative— in your favour. do you see how you’re still not taking A N Y accountability? do you see how you’re S T I L L addressing what im doing “wrong” instead of accepting the fact that destruction is happening around us. there is no point in pretending that your life is 10/10… people aren’t stupid.
4. i’m not the reason why you’re running around like a headless chicken, desperately sweeping things under the rug. you are. the way you’re feeling now, is your fault. face the consequences of your actions, for once.
5. and the audacity of guilt tripping me— how dare you??? the minute i bring up my hurt, my disappointment, my emotions, “i can’t speak to you about anything bec you get so defensive.” fxck yes i’m quick to defend myself, you clearly don’t do a good job at it. me against the world, baby.
6. it’s crazy that this is how best to “address” things. crazy. but tbh, nothing quite surprises me anymore. you’re a bloody circus— i’m over it.
7. i’m going to say it again— i do not blame you alone. i have taken accountability, i have apologised to you, i’ve got my own flaws, weaknesses. perhaps i could’ve dealt with certain situations better. perhaps.
i’m sorry. a marriage takes two. i’m flawed, but it doesn’t mean you get to use my baggages against me.
think. with your head. not with your ego. i’m begging you.
for the longest time, or at least it felt like a long time—
when i struggled to stay afloat & felt like i was drowning, the most, i didn’t have this…
i had to look for it and the way that breaks a person, i can’t explain. but i continued looking bec i knew i wouldn’t make it if i did not… and this isn’t to flame anyone/anybody who feels like they’ve been extremely supportive of me. i say (all of) the above to channel my emotions, those that had to be pushed aside bec i had to look for that “sacrifice”. looking for someone to love me, essentially. it was a strange time bec i grew up thinking i was blessed to have many around me who love me. i had to learn the hard way. no matter how much a person could claim they loved you, they’re a ‘person’ at the end of the day, ykwim? they’ll break their promises, not take your words seriously, talk about you behind your back & say one thing but mean another. there is no guarantee. no one. until they’d walked a mile in your shoes, they won’t fully comprehend.
i don’t hate, well not as much as you’d think, but i’ll use the word hate here for those who were dismissive of my feelings, gaslighting me, laughing & making jokes surrounding my misery, talking shit behind my back, questioning the help i reached out for. hate. that word exists for people like them x
“About all you can do in life is be who you are. Some people will love you for you. Most will love you for what you can do for them, and some won’t like you at all.”
“where did i go wrong? what did i do, or was it something i didn’t do…? when did it switch… at what point? was i in the dark over something id done but wasn’t aware of?”
these rhetorical questions went on… and it’s still going. but i think i cracked the code. i don’t have faith in humanity (mostly), but i had complete faith in the person who was never going to ‘hurt’ me. the person who would say A & i’d follow suit. i said A too. if anyone said B i’d not give a shit. i’ll stand by my person— A is A. end of story.
i was that person. i was that someone who put so much faith & work & trust into my person that id overlooked when it went wrong. it was there, right there all along.
anything begins with yourself. thus the fault is mine for putting my common sense on the side & went in blindly. deaf. mute. take a look around Natasha.
who’s saying A is A? your person is now sticking with B. your person….. who?
Just like the runner will push herself before approaching the finishing line, aiming to win, we are invited to push our efforts in Ramadhan's last asharah.
But it's not always easy.
Rendering service to our children and spouse is also worship - if we make the right intentions.
Know that Allah sees your efforts, big and small.
But you cannot pour from an empty cup. I know I can't.
Worship is a form of self care. Its soul care.
What i love most about Ramadhan is the long conversations with Allah in the silent nights. Though He is All-Aware of my daily struggles, there is solace in confiding with The Being that created me.
May these final ten days be a source of immense blessings and closeness for you and me.
Remember, you are cherished and appreciated.
Love & light,
nuttersha x
How has your ramadan been? :)
Alhamdulillah i’ve managed to push myself to spend this ramadan as best i can.
i’ve tried my best, but i wish i’d done as well & fulfill as i’d intended to.
mashaAllah tabarakAllah! i’m proud of myself— i’ve met my ramadan goals.
When it comes to love, I believe that the general population has it backwards. Most people (myself included) try to find love for the wrong reason: in order to be happy. This is why most relationships fail and why true love seems nothing more than a bad joke to most people. Needing people to be happy is relying on them in a way that they should never be relied upon.
You cannot rely on others for your happiness because you will undoubtedly find reasons not to love them. The truth is that no person will ever make you happy if you aren’t already happy. People can make you happier, but if you aren’t already happy with yourself and your life, then sooner or later, your unhappiness will resurface and guess who you will blame for it? If your lover is the source of your happiness then it only stands to reason that they would be the source of any unhappiness as well.
If you want to find the love of your life then be sure to be happy before you get together rather than hoping that they are the remedy to your misery. Misery is poisonous and will destroy you, your relationship and the person you love. True love requires happiness; not the other way around.
I never found the reason why. Should have known better.
The difference between a load and a burden is normally a “boundary problem”.
Each of us has a designated load to carry, confined within healthy boundaries.
Sometimes, a crisis dumps a burden on top of the load you’re already carrying. Illness, divorce, death, disasters, job losses to name a few— create unexpected heartache that can temporarily overwhelm us and tempt us to lose hope and even despair.
Other times, someone else’s mistakes creates a burden for you. Surely you have a person in mind right now after reading that sentence. Someone who has bullied you, betrayed you, cheated on you, taken advantage of you, gossiped about you, criticized you; this type of burden tempts us toward frustration, self-pity, bitterness and isolation.
We also create unnecessary burdens for ourselves. Have you ever blamed yourself for something that was really another person’s fault? Maybe you are like me – a perfectionist who is tempted to criticize herself for perceived faults when no real sin was committed. We also create burdens for ourselves through procrastination, bad habits, and indulgence, just to name a few.
Ya Rab. There's something inside me that scares me. It consumes me. My nafs overtakes me. And I fail you. Again and again. I feel so lonely, Ya Allah, only you know. Only you know my every thought, every saddness, every pain. All my darkness. You see it, only you understand me. Only you. Ya Rab save me from my darkness.
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