At first I had no intentions on contacting you. The only reason I am is because I'm following Dr. Beth's advice. She told me not to go to far into the darkness. It wouldn't be far fetched for me to go to Queens Hospital Center and say "It wouldn't be too far fetched to talk myself into self harm."
There's a lot I can say about my trip to Venture House. One thing I will say is it was important for me to be around people. Luckily it was a night they were open late.
Currently it's 2:19 a.m. and I'm not remotely tired. I think the best place for me to start was that audio recording. Looking back I regret not being in the room. It talked about mistakes and learning from them. It was my way of telling you I was aware of what you would soon bring to my attention. Even though you listened, it's safe to say the focus wasn't going to be on that. I outlined the core of why I'm in therapy.
Once I was done with what I came to say, a transformation took place. My memory isn't the best but I remember you being turned towards the side a majority of the time. Once you said you wanted to talk to me about transference, you didn't have to be an expert in psychology to pick up on the transformation. The only real comparison I could think of is gang stalking. It's really hard to make that comparison because gang stalkers consciously know what they are doing. Because of my paper trail it wouldn't be difficult for me to remember everything that led up to this point.
After making my way home, the first thing I did was make posts to social media. A change of heart has led me to take them down. They were starting to get dark. One of them dealt with a theme of only being capable of making women hate me. After this fiasco it feels like I have it in me to put a gun in a woman's hands and make her pull the trigger. In many ways the last thing I said wasn't a joke. Steve Brody wants to kill himself because hate is the only thing that seems real.
I have a good reason to be suicidal. In one of the tweets I mentioned taking on the theme to Say Anything. You're well aware of the times I knew I fucked up. It may have been a change in facial expression or something you said. What's scary is you're normally a nice person.
In another tweet I said if the tables were turned, not only would it have been our last session, I would've went for the jugular and took away any reason you had left to live. I actually stared at the train tracks reminding myself this wasn't the worst case scenario.
The thought of putting a belt to the door has crossed my mind. God know I can talk my way into a noose right now. I told myself I can't do that. There are a lot of ways that I fucked up. It's difficult to look at some of the positives. Your body language pointed to me being a piece of shit. She probably assumed that I crossed that line. Truthfully it would've made me more suicidal.
I really didn't want to write to you in fear that I'd say something that would make you want to cancel the appointment. I'm ambivalent about there being one more appointment, but I'm convinced that it should be our last one. It really isn't about the emphasis you put on transference. It's more about what you bought up at the tail end. I've been struggling for quite some time to find my place in the real world. You were right about therapy being a professional setting. One thing that's keeping me from making a trip to the E.R. is I've already got the ball rolling in terms of finding a replacement. Ultimately my goal is not to repeat the same mistake. I'm guessing my best bet is a male therapist that's on the more liberal side.
As much as I talk about suicide, it feels like one thing that would draw me one step closer is making a list of all the things I've said. After what happened in Australia I took steps in the right direction. I followed your advice of getting back on the horse after the holiday season. Before this hit the fan I was fixated on what happened between me and Alex in College Point. As bad as I feel now, there's a little comfort in knowing that I'm not on Michael Jackson's level of sick.
I've been to at least two S.A.A. meetings. After sharing you this truth I'll begin to wrap things up. As fucked up as I feel, what I'm telling you the God's honest truth. My agenda during our last meeting was to quit beating a dead horse and dive into some sensitive issues. I told you about a trigger word that left me "bound and broken on the floor". It relates to why stopped going to S.A.A. after two meetings. It feels like one of the best things I can do is go back.
During the official meeting sharing time is limited. At some point I'd like to share with the circle the hole I'm in right now. There was a natural high I was riding. The bottom line is I wanted to tell you everything. It wasn't really the words you used, it was your body language that really put a chill down my spine. This would be the point where I share on social media scenes of seppuku and Hari Kari.
I've written quite a lot. Before allowing myself to take a step back, I'd like to say one last thing. It would've been one thing to tell you hurtful things with the intention of hurting. I never wanted to hurt you with words. I imagine that you have nothing but hate for me because I liked you. That's the part that's always going to haunt me. In the end of The Butterfly Effect there's a scene where a boy says something hurtful to a girl. The girl runs away crying but it's evident that he did it intentionally so she'll be out of his life. It'll spare her from tragedy later. Now would be a good time to have those powers. God knows there's some dirt in everyone's consciousness.
I went from refusing to send an e-mail to finding some way to allow myself to sleep. In closing you can take my advice. Don't respond to my e-mail. Have someone call to say my appointment has been cancelled. That'll put more of an emphasis on the memory of the last time we saw each other...
Hey Chris. I hope you will read this despite your request not to respond.
I am sorry for the way our last session made you feel. I have no negative feelings towards you at all and genuinely feel our conversation was in the best interest of the treatment. Some things that were said/written cannot be unsaid but I do not feel anything was done with malicious intent. I do agree that we should not continue treatment, however, I do not want this to end with bad feelings. I sincerely wish you all the best and hope that the next part of your journey is an amazing one. I am attaching referrals for some male therapists that I found online and hope that you will have a great experience with someone new.
Please confirm that you got this message and are doing okay.
There was a specific moment when I knew it was game over. After sensing it when you mentioned "getting past the transference" I went home and googled the darkest songs. One of the songs I discovered for the first time was Mr. Crowley by Ozzy Osbourne. Under normal circumstances I would've steered clear from anything related to Alister Crowley. Even though I was impressed with the song on a melodic level, my instincts still told me to stop playing it. There had to be a driving force to get me through it. The writing was on the wall. This meant that I needed a new soundtrack. My week was mostly spent finding new song on the Music Choice Metal channel. The part of me that wanted to live knew not to play that noise in a state of shellshock...
Glad to hear you are trying to change the music. You are the pilot of your own life and no one from the outside can change that. Choose to keep fighting and try not to look back at your time here through a negative lens. Please let me know if you need any help finding a new therapist or if there is anything else I can do.
Hey Chris. Seems like you've been thinking about this a lot. Best advice I can give you is to put this behind you without negativity or regret. Again, no bad feelings on this end, just do not think this is the best fit for you. I'm glad to hear you have been reaching out to others for support.
These were the names of therapists I had sent you in an attachment earlier. It says online that they take medicare but I guess call and ask. If you go on psychology today you can search by zip code and find a convenient location.
(this e-mail ends with therapist referrals)
The real reason why I internalized it is I was brutally honest both online and off. You finally saw me for who I really am and your reaction scared the shit out of me.
I actually opened up this e-mail app to share with you a video that's helping me through this recovery phase.
https://youtu.be/5rOiW_xY-kc
ZocDoc was the only resource I knew of to find a medical professional. Thanks for letting me know about Psychology Today.
After going to my third S.A.A. meeting, someone offered me a ride home. After filling him in on what bought me there, he said "You didn't go there for that!". I told him that it didn't happen right away.
If I'm gonna be brutally honest, the hot seat I found myself in can be compared to proposal fails on YouTube. I was living in a bubble, but I was happy. I thought beer and blunts at Friday Night Skate could fill that void but it didn't.
That guy was right. There came a point where I saw you as more than a therapist. The ringing of the division bell had begun.
That test you gave me didn't completely register at that moment. When it did sink in I found myself guilty as charged...
Hey Chris. Seems like you've been thinking about this a lot. Best advice I can give you is to put this behind you without negativity or regret. Again, no bad feelings on this end, just do not think this is the best fit for you. I'm glad to hear you have been reaching out to others for support.
These were the names of therapists I had sent you in an attachment earlier. It says online that they take medicare but I guess call and ask. If you go on psychology today you can search by zip code and find a convenient location.
I just want to make sure of the understanding that I won't be seeing you today. I don't want you to make the trip for nothing. Please let me know that you have things in motion with another therapist.
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