❝ don’t tell anybody i was drinking. ❞
❝ it’s not drinking alone if the kids are home! ❞
❝ i’m not that drunk. i can still take my clothes off. ❞
❝ i lost my pants… but i found myself. ❞
❝ what am i doing? searching… for life. ❞
❝ a straw is just a test tube, but with an extra hole in the bottom. ❞
❝ i feel like a pickle torpedo… in a sea of graham cracker crumbs. ❞
❝ IT’S THE PYTHAGOREAN THEOREM, YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKER! ❞
❝ I’LL PROTECT YOU! I’M BATMAN!! ❞
❝ they’re a vip at that one strip club. what’s it called again? um… golden corral? ❞
❝ if i had forty-seven dragons, i’d give you one. but only one. ❞
❝ the drunkness… is FUCKING ME. ❞
❝ suck my dick, i’m a pterodactyl. ❞
❝ does a tree shit in the woods? ❞
❝ 2-4-5-8, what do we all fucking hate? MATH. ❞
❝ this liquor is so shitty, it couldn’t even get my pussy high. ❞
❝ i don’t wanna FUCKING RHOMBUS! ❞
❝ i used to be from mexico, but i’m not anymore. ❞
❝ on a scale of one to russian, i’m vladimir putin. ❞
❝ you can have a toke of my penis. ❞
❝ dude, can you call my wallet? i think i lost it. ❞
❝ thank you very hard. ❞
❝ I DON’T REMEMBER IF I LIKE SNICKERS!! ❞
❝ i’m not gay, i’m just an idiot. ❞
❝ whoever told me this was dr. pepper eats whale cock. ❞
❝ of course i’m not a cop. I FUCK HOOKERS!! ❞
❝ oh look, my favorite couple, homeo and juliet. ❞
❝ hamster nipples. ❞
❝ IT’S A FUCKING AUTOMATIC COWBOY! ❞
❝ do tomatoes have lettuce? ❞
❝ c is for bitch. you bitch. ❞
❝ i need to race like a piss horse. ❞
❝ what the FUCK is a sonic?! ❞
❝ return everything except the candy and condoms. ❞