oh my god. novembers revivals

exactly what the title says. i got increasingly upset about losing memories all the time. so i took drastic measures. hearts

[okayimactuallydone]

post subject to change.

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i go by several names but that's really fucking irrelevant. and risky to mention but this may be found out anyway. i dont do much to hide it

okay i am actually sick of losing everything so that's it. they say the internet is forever then fine. if that's what it takes. im putting EVERYTHING here that can't get me incriminated im terrified of losing. EVERYTHING. images, art, writing, you name it. posts subject to deletion and edits but trust me, anything and everything im scared enough of losing that isnt gonna get me in trouble is going here.

also i think this should be fucking obvious but this blog is FOR ME, as a result of my trauma. it's not intended for entertainment, to be moral appealing or rational. it's just what i want recorded, to never lose. if you don't understand the point of me mentioning this than i encourage you to block me.

if a friend finds this? youll be blocked. if a stranger finds this? i dont care. maybe if i end up dying this will suck but hey, ill be too dead to care

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[okayimactuallydone]

me: why am i so nauseous

the overdose and spoiled food i keep eating:

[tr1ckfuneral]

Suicide ideation is so weird. Making a lovely apple pie while thinking of bleeding out in the tub.

[okayimactuallydone]

but then i get angry. because AGAIN my family doesnt really think im a suicide risk and it makes me so angry. it's why i kinda wanna attempt just to survive and prove it to them. and my bsf (if i can even call her that anymore)

[okayimactuallydone]

what if i just like. do my best for a year to determine whether or not i should end it

[okayimactuallydone]

you know what. maybe it's okay. the bipolar is gonna come back to bite me in the ass later about this definitely not being okay but. me worrying so much about death isn't helping. it's time to move on

[okayimactuallydone]

fuuuck bro this sucks

[okayimactuallydone]

im running into the same problem i had at 14. i planned to kill myself at like 16 or something so i suddenly had no motivation for anything. but now its worse. because now i feel more obligated to leave something behind. i was a kid then. if a kid kills themselves with nothing left behind it's just tragic. if an adult does it might be sad, but it's more selfish. but i have no energy. what am i supposed to do. i feel like a cancer patient

[okayimactuallydone]

ive decided to start only eating what my family doesn't want to stop being a burden. i think it'll help me lose weight too because half the time there'll be nothing good

[okayimactuallydone]

everyone keeps saying life is worth it. i don't think it is. i think i know too much. what am i supposed to do? lose my memory? i cant forget what i know.

im sorry but this really is pointless. im not gonna go anywhere in life. i dont really want to. or rather, i dont wanna put in the effort. it's all so stupid. if we lived in a perfect world id grab a guitar and get some friends and become a vagabond. but that cant happen. i don't think all this pain is worth it. not for me. im just too weak.

im not saying im gonna kill myself for sure but im seriously considering it. i think the point of life is to make it tolerable until you die, enough happiness included. but im not happy. and im too tired. it's not like i haven't tried. i just truly and honestly dont have the energy. i was born weak. and they wouldn't let me die. i hate them for that.

im considering preparing. i just cant do this anymore. again, no certainty, but im gonna spend some time thinking if i should go through with this. after all, who wants to listen to me keep whining about killing myself if im not even making enough of an effort to kill myself? all those "overdoses" were nothing. it barely affected me.

[okayimactuallydone]

oh my god i don't want to figure anything out i just want to die this is all for nothing

[sovietnam]

[okayimactuallydone]

[okayimactuallydone]

i don't know why it took me so long to realize that when mental health professionals ask you if you have a suicide plan, even if you don't think you're going to go through with it, it still classifies as a plan. for some reason i genuinely thought having plans since fourteen didn't count simply because i was hoping i wouldn't go through with it.

[okayimactuallydone]

do they think im not going to do something? is that why nothing's being done

[okayimactuallydone]

and i keep not doing the medication enough. such petty overdoses that do nothing im probably doing nothing but building a tolerance. maybe that's what b did. i think that's what he meant when he said he has a high tolerance. i think he's done something similar. or not. what do i know

[okayimactuallydone]

im gonna end up killing myself just over the mere fact i was alone and no one would listen